I was so impassioned by the house in Ireland, swept away with romantic thoughts of keeping house in our own snug cottage in the pastoral countryside of the Emerald Isle. Those fervent feelings have been brushed aside by more sensible thoughts of motherhood and housekeeping. Also our money ran out. I still occasionally think back to those two hopeful weeks and long to feel the wind rushing past my face as I stand at the highest point of the hill and look out over the county. My spirit feels so stirred when I think of all the things I love and love to do, but as usual my body is bound by an inability to move forward past enquiry and I am left frustrated and sad, which transforms into sorrow and hopelessness.
On a far happier note the scholastic year has been progressing forward nicely. Both kids seem to be settled in the year. Prima has found her social feet and is spending more time with friends, sleepovers, a few nights out, she is tentatively feeling her way into the social life of a teen-age girl. She is, as always, self-motivated and has already applied to the one (and only to one) university that she wants to attend. I have no doubts that she will get in, who in the world wouldn't want her as a student at their school? I am more nervous about how we will pay for all of this, though somehow it will all work out. Things always do. And I hate to sound like a pollyanna, but I have found that even when things don't work out exactly as I had envisioned, usually something better takes it's place. She really is such a bright blossom, I am really enjoying watching her walk the path of her life.
Primo seems to have found his place. Ever since he arrived in the PD department at school, he has been shining like a comet. He comes home bursting with excitement over projects he is working on or news of a job he has been given. The fire of his spirit has been ignited and it is burning clear and bright. I have never seen him work so hard, he is even motivated to keep his grades up to ensure his continued participation in PD events. His excitement and enthusiasm is contagious, being near him keeps my own heart warm. I no longer feel fear and anxiety about his way in the world, I see, now, that he will rise up to meet what ignites him and he will fly as high and powerfully as he can.
I know that I am, by no means, a perfect mother, who could be? But I am feeling that I have side stepped some of the pitfalls my parents fell headlong into. Only time will tell, but desperation to avoid those pitfalls has been the chief source of anxiety and self-doubt I have had as a mother, have I changed those patterns? I hope the answer is yes.
I have been struggling with internal battles that I thought I fought and won years ago. I am not sure how to really overcome them. I am not sure why I allow them be such a big deal to me, interrupting my movement and success. I tried to write it down a while back, but I found that I could not physically make myself write those feelings down. I wrote in circles around them, and finally broke down in tears, closed that journal and haven't opened it since. That was months ago. I was thinking today, that I might take one of the more beautiful journals I have purchased and try writing it down there. I have tried all different sorts and each time the idea of being visible makes me shrink back even more.
Not long ago TR gave me the advice of working out what I outcome wanted when confronting anyone with a problem I had ( it was in the context of teachers at school) and I think that may apply here. What do I want? Am I going to confront those that bear the demons with me? Or is it up to me to work it out on my own, and let them continue to travel their own life path? IS the confrontation part of my healing? Or do I need to look deep within myself and decide what I want and then travel there? All of these questions have answers, I just don't know what they are and I feel more and more desperate as I watch my life trickle by into a puddle of mediocrity, while I stand helpless to prevent it, with my hands unbound and hanging uselessly at my side. Inside my heart screams out for it to stop, and still it drip, drip, drips down, draining me of all hope and motivation. So maybe tonight I will take that beautiful journal...actually an idea just struck me, I will make a journal just to hold this story, something that is made just to hold it, and keep it away from me. Then I will write down what I want, what happened and hopefully when I am done, I will be able to see a way out of the void I feel I am being drawn into.
Again on a much, MUCH lighter note, life has been moving along happily (which continually confounds me, how can my life be so full of light and love and I be so hopeless?), as I already mentioned the kids are doing well, growing and stretching into their adult selves in a very satisfying way. I have had 6 months of TR working at home, and it has been absolutely delightful to be near my true love everyday. He is back commuting into the office everyday, I miss him and bug him constantly. But I am thankful for the time we had. Breakfasts together, ( often eaten silently while he was on a call, but together nonetheless) company on errands when he had a lunch he could leave the house for. Mostly it was nice just to be near hm everyday.
Now it is time for me to scoot away, gather up all my carpool children and deliver them to the appropriate places. Maybe I will write down some things tomorrow. I am going to investigate how to make a fab journal!
That's all.
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| Tree in St. Stephen's Green |
