Take Three: Stepping Boldly Forward?

Each night I am completely settled, in my mind, in my plans and by the next morning all those thoughts and plans are scattered about, I am wildly looking around, grabbing at them trying, to gather them up as quickly as I can. As I spoke to TR last night and felt so settled by that, I was ready to tackle today with lots of enthusiasm and sure that progress would be made. Now I am, again, sitting thinking how silly those plans were, of course I have nothing to say the the ESB until the electricity is back on. Heaters won't be installed until the house is closer to being finished, I think.

As I mentioned before, I feel secure in my footing, until some advice comes along that topples me and I am ready to throw my hands up and say "whatever!". Now it feels as if it's simply the light of a new day that has thrown my plans to the ground.

One of my (oddly weird) stumbling blocks is that I uploaded pictures of the house so that I could post them here and TR would be able to see them and participate (as much as possible) from afar. Much to my chagrin, the photos appear in my photo application but I can't seem to access them when I choose to upload into the blog from blogger.com. Weird! I uploaded them from my phone, though if I choose the 'from my phone' option, they still don't show up. I am stumped, maybe I need to restart Safari, maybe it's deeper than that. I suppose I can google it and find out that way. First I will write down my list from the book, then, something else!

What I Have So Far:

• Investigate insurance (FBD?)
• Look into grants to replace: doors / windows / septic tank 
• Call B@ESB to enquire about timing of installing storage heaters
• Ask DM if he recommends a plumber to install radiators
• Check in with N@the RCC about meeting time

That seems like a fair amount of tasks, but really each time I get ready to tackle one, I ponder and ponder and decide it's really pointless. So I am going to put this entry aside for a minute, investigate some of the points I can and then we will go calling on relatives.

Here I go....

So it looks like we aren't eligible for grants of any kind, first because they seem to be mostly tax credits and we don't pay income taxes here (in Ireland), second because some of them appear to be income based and we make too much money to be eligible for a grant (which in the long run is only a good thing!) and third because for the Home Renovation Incentive (HRI) holiday homes aren't eligible. So there it is, grants away, I can check that right off my list!

Now to investigate the photo syndrome....

Roscommon Castle - zockso

So as it turned out, it was just as it was always queried in the " IT Crowd ", I turned off and turned it on again and the picture were miraculously  there! More tomorrow, or perhaps later today if that's how I'm feeling.

Good morning!

Take Three, In Which We Start a New Project

It has begun. LS and I are in Ireland beginning the renovation/restoration of the Badger's Den (Named For All The Badgers We've Never Seen Nearby). We have been here for four days and here's what we have accomplished so far:

• Torn out all the rotten baseboards
• Pulled up the carpet in the two bedrooms
• Removed the moldy kitchen door
• Pulled up the tiles in the bathroom
• Taken down the plastic wall unit above the bathroom sink
• Removed the plastic skirt from around the bathtub
• Cleaned up the rose canes that had been trimmed (in our absence)
• Removed the weeds from around the house (they were practically growing up right out of the walls!)
• Accepted delivery of the skip
• Loaded the skip

All of that was done in one day (except the skip delivery and loading, which was done in about 10 minutes the following day). We worked like mad women and when we finished we looked around and looked at the clock and went "huh, now what?"

We have been checking back to the house every day, puttering, weeding a bit more, tidying here and there. After we seemed to hit a stalling point I felt a bit directionless. My plan was so clear and I had everything lined up ready to execute as soon as we got here, my first stumbling block (which wasn't such a bad thing) was that the actual tear out didn't take nearly as long as I thought it would. I had allocated several days to the tear out so when we seemed to finish in one day, I had no plan for what to do with the extra time (a problem that has been duly dealt with). As my plans seemed to unravel I felt more and more disconnected from the whole project. I felt the stillness seeping into my psyche and washing all my momentum away. I wanted so much to talk to TR, to reflect my thoughts and ideas to him and find some clarity and movement. It took a few days but I finally connected to him and we talked it out. He was his usual supportive and level headed self. We asked all the right question, helped me find my feet and redirect my aimlessness and I feel much more ready-set-go than hiding-under-the-covers.

So now I need to drop payment for the electrical inspection, tear out some of the rotten door moldings, call the Georgian Restoration Lady, check in with the neighbors about a few things and check in with RC (Dublin Cousin, who may be known as RCDC from now on...) and see how I should handle that whole thing.

Okay, I'm not feeling so write-y tonight so I am going to link up some photos and add a bit tomorrow.

Good night

Due to technical difficulties, I am unable to add photos of the project, I will check in with my IT savior tomorrow but for tonight you get this:

Still Charmed by the Third Time: In Which We Have an Epiphany

I have heard that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I must be well on my way. All day, everyday, I dream up plans and schemes to do wonderful things, paint the inside of the house, reorganize every room, write a book, make teddy bears, knit rugs and dish towels and blankets. All of these things swirl around my head like whirlpool and then by 2:00 pm I am tired and spent and I end up tidying minimally in the kitchen, half-heartedly feeding my family and sitting quietly until bedtime.

This weekend, I spent a large amount of time organizing and re-organizing stuff. I hauled things down from the cottage to the basement, categorized them, spruced them up, priced (most of) them, put them in boxes and shut the basement door. I do want to have a yard sale, I asked Primo to make a sign for me and he crabbed about how much I demand of him and how put out he was that he had to stop making his nerf gun mods, and he didn't make the sign. I was so dejected, I felt so alone and ignored. I have been asking my family for help with home projects for YEARS and I think that they just see me as crabbing because I hate to work. But that is not true, and as I pondered this whole thing before I sat down to this blog, I had a realization (here comes the epiphany...) I don't mind work, cleaning house, doing odd jobs, maintenance or improvements to the house. I actually really enjoy it, but I just don't want to do it alone.

There it is, in a nutshell, as tidy as you like. I want company while I do these tasks. Someone to mull over the-state-of-things with. Someone to bounce ideas off of, or that will put their own ideas on the table. Someone to hand me a pair of scissors or to ask me for a duster.  It's just as Piglet said, "It's so much friendlier with two".

Now I just need to find a way to bring company on board!

This is an extra short entry, most because I am tired and I want to make sure that I post something, it's been ages since I have posted anything at all. I have had great adventures and achievements and I have lots planned. But first I am just going to put this little bit out there. Tomorrow, when the sun is shining and my heart is full of promise and energy, I will write some of my adventures and plans down. But tonight, I am going to sleep.

Goodnight.

The Badger's Den, Named for all the Badgers We've Never Seen Nearby
next week's project!

Third Time 'Round, Hope the Charm Works! #1

I don't even know how long it has been since my last entry, and I could go back an look, but I'm not going to, it's more of a mystery that way!

Much has happened and much has stayed the same. I went through a Period-of-Great-Interest regarding my bears. I spent almost a week working industriously on them, finishing two, bringing another two or three to near completion, another two to partial completion and cut out seven more. I made a baby blanket for TT's new baby girl, I cleaned off and rearranged my jewelry table. I started walking around the lake with CW,  3+ miles every time! For a few weeks, we were walking at least four days a week. We talked in a 5k marathon together, it was great fun and even though we walked amongst all the runners, we had a good time and seeing the city like that. with all the downtown roads closed off, and people standing at the sidewalks, cheering friends and family on or handing out water to runners, was an experience I will never forget. We got medals, which made me feel simultaneously pleased and foolish, but mostly pleased and my family was all very lovingly supportive when I got home and showed them. My marathon number is still on the fridge!

The biggest thing I have done (not alone mind you) was go to Ireland to work on The Badger's Den, Named for all the Badger's We've Never Seen Nearby. We took ten days and the while family trekked over together. Prima and Primo mostly stayed at the rental cottage doing homework, watching TV and keeping warm. TR and I spent at least three good days at the cottage(s) working on what projects we could to get that dear little house closer to being stayed in. We met with the ESB, which is the entity that deals with electricity, and we should be getting the electricity turned on soon. Bernard, the gentleman signed to our case was very optimistic that it wouldn't be too hard to get it done. We have registered with Irish Water, and also registered our septic tank. We pulled the funky old vinyl flooring up out of the bathroom and hallway, we swept and washed what we could. We bought candles and set them on top of the stone mantle and lit them whenever we were home to lend a little warmth ad cheer to the cottage. We cleared all the blackberry brambles from around the Old Cottage in the hopes that the structure wouldn't be knocked over by creeping brambles. We met neighbors and started forging relationships, sought advice and visited with friends we already know. It was a fruitful trip that plated the seed of hope a littler deeper and firmer in my heart. The landscape there is so beautiful, and even in the cold, drear of the rain we happily chipped away at our tasks, engaged and enjoying ourselves immensely.

On Thursday our cousins came to see it with us and were very enthusiastic about the prospect of accomplishing renovation. We all met for lunch in Co. Longford and then they volunteered to accompany us all the way back to our county to see The Badger's Den...( I did ask a neighbor and indeed, there are badger's in the area, but we were also informed that farmer's do not like them as they can carry TB and spread it to the cattle.)

We had two and a bit days in Dublin and we were all very sad to leave. Dublin is such a vibrant, friendly city and our cousin RC, gave us the pleasure of his company for the better part of one of the days we had there. We went to the National Library to see an exhibit about WWI, we went on an historical walking tour led by a graduate of Trinity College (I think he actually held a more important position that "graduate" but I can't remember what it was.) The tour was very interesting and informative, at least to grown-ups. To the teenagers and little ones in tow I think it was torture, long narratives about names, dates and lists of things that made no sense and didn't fit anywhere i to their universe of interests.

Alas, I was interrupted and failed to complete this entry, but, in the interest of forward movement, I will post it as it regardless. If only I can find an appropriate photo...

all paths lead to the future

Take Two, One Giant Step Forward

We watched Forrest Gump with the kids tonight and it made me cry several times. The most obvious time is when Jenny dies, how sorrowful that he should lose her after she was finally able to allow him to treat her well. The times that surprised me were the scenes that took place in the '60's, for some reason it made me cry to hear the music and see scenes of the world as if it were still happening. Maybe because it reminds me that my childhood is slipping further and further into middle age and that has happened so quickly that I know old age is not too far off. Anyway that is not the direction a title like "One Giant Step Forward" should be heading in, it sounds more like "One Giant Sob Story" and that is not what I am doing right now, though I do still feel like crying.

My original thought as I wrote the title (yesterday) was to write down that I have (finally!) enrolled in a mediation training course. I have high hopes for it, as I was stuck in between two choices that pulled me in opposite directions and felt rather hopeless about the whole endeavour and then LS found me an alternative that was baby bear perfect. I enrolled immediately so I couldn't back out of it and I will attend in April. I am nervous but that's to be expected, and maybe this will help me to open a door for myself. And with that, I'm off!

Dublin dandelion

Take Two, Now Where Was I?

Oh Yes now I remember, I was in the middle of life changing (without the 'c' it's hanging, and we don't want to do that, now do we?) actions that would bring me closer to self actualization and life achievements and all that jazz. Wouldn't you know it, life got in the way of my life changing actions and now I am back at square one , scratching my head, wondering what happened. As usual...

In all seriousness, I was trying to change the direction of the train I'm on, but, well I can't exactly remember why I was derailed, oh yes, I remember now. I was decluttering my life and making pretty good headway, but I was completely thrown off by the sad realization that no matter how much I clean and clear out my belongings that there is a whole house full of belongings that I am not responsible for and have no sway over whether they go or stay, and that sobering realization froze me where I was and now the house is unkempt, I am working on what seems to be my seven hundred and fifty-seventh cold since September and I am no closer to self actualization than I ever was.

We took the last trip to Disneyland with our annual passes (a luxury I have thoroughly enjoyed and secretly wish we were renewing, but know we have other priorities) and I had a wonderful time, loved the rides, the beautiful sunny days (even though it did rain a bit). I love the connection I feel to my grandparents and how palpable my historical family is to me when I am there. It's almost a little melancholic but wraps me in belonging  and a sense of strength and stability.

As I wander through the park I am always struck by the enormous variety of people that it attracts. Disney seems to touch people from every walk of life, all shapes and sizes, each one feeling connected personally to the characters they have grown up with, the stories that have helped shape their beliefs, hopes and dreams. I always wonder when I am there, what the meaning of it all is. Parents striding purposefully, children firmly in hand, from one line to another, intent to make it there before someone else gets in line before them. It makes me wonder what our purpose is on this planet, in this galaxy, in the universe. Eating corn dogs and Dole pineapple whip, juggling children, purchases and all the sundries brought along to make the day's outing more comfortable. Where does this fit into the scheme of order and progress in the cosmos?

Don't get me wrong, I love it there, the sound of familiar music burbling though the air, all around you, everywhere you go, songs that sing of happiness and contentment, even the shape of the melodies are smooth and soothing as they float from the speakers, bathing you in reassurance that all really IS well with the world. I can feel myself relax when we walk down the main walkway towards the security check, as we get to the point that the music is audible. I love the familiar stories coming to life, Peter Pan, Wind in the Willows and my favorite ride of all the Teacups. Alice's voice calling to everyone to come and join the tea party, the lanterns strung overhead, spinning round and around until you feel that you are lost in the story yourself. But still I can't help but ask myself each time we go, to what end is all this?

This sounds far more morose than it is intended to be, I must change direction!

Primo has been accepted into the Art School, he is such a marvelous young man! I am very relieved and happy, I believe he is too. He fell to the floor with delight when he received his acceptance letter. It is a great relief to my mind and heart that I will be able to entrust his education and well being to an institution that I wholeheartedly believe in. I know that it does't work for everybody, but it really has worked for our family so far with Prima and I look forward to the journey though it with him. Now if we can just finish this year out on a high note, I think Primo will be very pleased with himself.

Prima won an award for her writing, though when she told us about it she dimpled up, blurted it out and then proceeded to deconstruct the success. Claiming that it wasn't a very big deal because it was third prize and not first. I am continually amazed by her, she is always so hidden and modest about her talents. Funny girl! It is a big deal, it was a Scholastic Writing and Composition contest for the entire West Coast! And she won!

As for me, I still want all the things I always do, order, focus, success and I am still as distracted and scattered as ever, but I do have a few thing to add to my list of completed tasks:

• I promised teddy bears to two girls from former work last year and I FINALLY completed and delivered them. In the process I came up with a packaging idea for the bears.
• I finished the bear for CD I promised over two years ago (though I still have to deliver it to him)
• I went in for a "meeting" with Ex-Boss and discovered that indeed he is my Ex-Boss and there seems to be no pending return to struggle with, which was a relief to put to rest.
• I have been working in the studio more than ever and even whipped up a new lunch bag for Prima one day after discovering that the previous ones I made have gone missing.
• I have been walking regularly with CW and helping out with the launch of her new business.
• I felted and processed all the gazillion sweaters I culled out of my collection, I have lots of material for blankets.

There may be more that I amn't (yes, I used that word on purpose, a nod to one of my pre-school students!) thinking of at the moment, but it seems like quite enough to list for now. Any more and I will just seem to be building myself up falsely!

Life is good (to borrow an over used, over marketed phrase) and time is continuing to rush by me no matter what I do so I resolve to hang on tight and enjoy as much as I can.

DeYoung Museum

Take Two, Day Nine, Is This Really Where I am?

Today's agenda will be full of children, birthday preparations for friends, a little house cleaning and other housewife-y stuff. I want to get this down now as I have fallen sadly behind and I do want to keep up with this. As I mentioned on my return, it seems to be greatly beneficial to look at things outside of my own skull (this is a total non-sequitur but I never really though about the fact that I have my own skull. I mean obviously I have one but I have never really thought about how it's all spookily skull shaped under my face, hmmm), so even if this post is pithy and irrelevant I want to build back up to the habit of checking in daily.

I had an interesting talk with GD, and old family friend and BFF of Mama. She was relating how hard life was for her and her kids when she moved from one coast to the other, how things changed for her children, how uncertain and on the edge life was for them. I can completely relate to the way her kids felt, that happened to me every few years. Until we moved to the Bay Area, 6 years was the longest I had ever lived anywhere, and as hard as those 6 years were I clung to them after we left because it was what I knew best. Anyway as we were talking I realized ( as I do over and over again) that everyone is busy overcoming their burdens and obstacles, that from the outside things appear easier because when we are peering in from the outside those burdens aren't sitting on us. We only see the frosting, essentially. As a child it seemed that everything worked out easily for her and her kids, that had their own house, she wasn't dependent on a partner and subject to their whims. I had no idea that her children were angry and resentful about being moved from the home they knew to what was the scary unknown for them. But I should have been able to see that, I knew that feeling so well, I had been moved around so many times, life was so unstable and uncertain. Perhaps that's why I am so afraid that things will be unstable again. Perhaps that is why I am afraid to look my circumstances directly in the eye and see what they have to say for themselves. If I turn away I don't have to confront that fear, I can be like Scarlett O'Hara and save it for tomorrow. Then I don't have to deal with the fear at all, because tomorrow is always just a bit out of reach and out of reality.

Moving on...I declared sometime, early on, in this 8 Weeks blog that I was going to fix up the cottage, and then I walked out on that declaration. I want to go back to that, and think about what needs to be done, what I can do myself and what I need to hire someone to do.

What needs to be done:

• level whole cottage
• roof repaired/replaced 
• windows replaced
• floor repaired
• new carpet
• bathroom redone
• plumbing overhauled
• new deck (back)
• new deck (front)
• kitchen revitalized
• stove repaired
• paint
• new fridge
• new gutters

What I need a professional for:

• level whole cottage
• plumbing overhaul
• new carpet
• stove repaired
• floor repaired

What will get done faster with a professional, but I/we can do ourselves

• windows replaced
• roof repaired/replaced
• new deck (back)
• new deck (front)
• kitchen revitalized 

What I/we can do:

• paint
• new fridge
• new gutters
• bathroom redone

There is plenty I/we can do, I think we need to start with the leveling though, which we can do, by jacking it up and leveling it but I think it would be nice to have an engineer look at it and make sure it is done in a way that makes it structurally sound, not just band aided together. So I will check in with TR and see if he agrees we should start there and then we can start cleaning it out and get it ready for it's do-over!

And now I am off to go make some birthday presents, I am trying to be mindful of finances, as I have a ton of inventory to work with, I will make presents instead of buying them. And as it is only 9:43am, I will say good day instead of goodnight, so Good Day!

Maximum Occupancy met with the cashier and customer pictured, perhaps we should have waited outside!