Taken Up Again, Another Beginning...

It has been quite some time since I have kept track of my daily ambitions and efforts here, I tried to keep it going after I realized that I wasn't limited to eight weeks, but clearly I fell behind and eventually gave up. Well not completely, because here I am again, head filled with thoughts, hopes, desires, and a heart full of fear of failure. *I feel that I have to insert a disclaimer again, to appease my inner critic (who I had named at one point, but I have forgotten her name) that this accounting is not meant to be grammatically correct or even have perfect syntax. This is a writing for my fancy, to empty my head of thoughts, theories and impressions that would otherwise interfere with my daily activity.* So onwards and upwards?

I was so impassioned by the house in Ireland, swept away with romantic thoughts of keeping house in our own snug cottage in the pastoral countryside of the Emerald Isle. Those fervent feelings have been brushed aside by more sensible thoughts of motherhood and housekeeping. Also our money ran out. I still occasionally think back to those two hopeful weeks and long to feel the wind rushing past my face as I stand at the highest point of the hill and look out over the county. My spirit feels so stirred when I think of all the things I love and love to do, but as usual my body is bound by an inability to move forward past enquiry and I am left frustrated and sad, which transforms into sorrow and hopelessness.

On a far happier note the scholastic year has been progressing forward nicely. Both kids seem to be settled in the year. Prima has found her social feet and is spending more time with friends, sleepovers, a few nights out, she is tentatively feeling her way into the social life of a teen-age girl. She is, as always, self-motivated and has already applied to the one (and only to one) university that she wants to attend. I have no doubts that she will get in, who in the world wouldn't want her as a student at their school? I am more nervous about how we will pay for all of this, though somehow it will all work out. Things always do. And I hate to sound like a pollyanna, but I have found that even when things don't work out exactly as I had envisioned, usually something better takes it's place. She really is such a bright blossom, I am really enjoying watching her walk the path of her life.

Primo seems to have found his place. Ever since he arrived in the PD department at school, he has been shining like a comet. He comes home bursting with excitement over projects he is working on or news of a job he has been given. The fire of his spirit has been ignited and it is burning clear and bright. I have never seen him work so hard, he is even motivated to keep his grades up to ensure his continued participation in PD events. His excitement and enthusiasm is contagious, being near him keeps my own heart warm. I no longer feel fear and anxiety about his way in the world, I see, now, that he will rise up to meet what ignites him and he will fly as high and powerfully as he can.

I know that I am, by no means, a perfect mother, who could be? But I am feeling that I have side stepped some of the pitfalls my parents fell headlong into. Only time will tell, but desperation to avoid those pitfalls has been the chief source of anxiety and self-doubt I have had as a mother, have I changed those patterns? I hope the answer is yes.

I have been struggling with internal battles that I thought I fought and won years ago. I am not sure how to really overcome them. I am not sure why I allow them be such a big deal to me, interrupting my movement and success. I tried to write it down a while back, but I found that I could not physically make myself write those feelings down. I wrote in circles around them, and finally broke down in tears, closed that journal and haven't opened it since. That was months ago. I was thinking today, that I might take one of the more beautiful journals I have purchased and try writing it down there. I have tried all different sorts and each time the idea of being visible makes me shrink back even more.

Not long ago TR gave me the advice of working out what I outcome wanted when confronting anyone with a problem I had ( it was in the context of teachers at school) and I think that may apply here. What do I want? Am I going to confront those that bear the demons with me? Or is it up to me to work it out on my own, and let them continue to travel their own life path? IS the confrontation part of my healing? Or do I need to look deep within myself and decide what I want and then travel there? All of these questions have answers, I just don't know what they are and I feel more and more desperate as I watch my life trickle by into a puddle of mediocrity, while I stand helpless to prevent it, with my hands unbound and hanging uselessly at my side. Inside my heart screams out for it to stop, and still it drip, drip, drips down, draining me of all hope and motivation. So maybe tonight I will take that beautiful journal...actually an idea just struck me, I will make a journal just to hold this story, something that is made just to hold it, and keep it away from me. Then I will write down what I want, what happened and hopefully when I am done, I will be able to see a way out of the void I feel I am being drawn into.

Again on a much, MUCH lighter note, life has been moving along happily (which continually confounds me, how can my life be so full of light and love and I be so hopeless?), as I already mentioned the kids are doing well, growing and stretching into their adult selves in a very satisfying way. I have had 6 months of TR working at home, and it has been absolutely delightful to be near my true love everyday. He is back commuting into the office everyday, I miss him and bug him constantly. But I am thankful for the time we had. Breakfasts together, ( often eaten silently while he was on a call, but together nonetheless) company on errands when he had a lunch he could leave the house for. Mostly it was nice just to be near hm everyday.

Now it is time for me to scoot away, gather up all my carpool children and deliver them to the appropriate places. Maybe I will write down some things tomorrow. I am going to investigate how to make a fab journal!

That's all.

Tree in St. Stephen's Green

Take Three: Watercolor Memories

This segment of 8 Weeks Out has been sadly neglected and my memories of our activities and adventures have faded into the busy-ness of the summer which has transitioned in the new school year and brought with it all the distraction of a freshman and senior year.

Standing in support of Prima as she arranges her feathers in preparation for her first flight, is fraught with anxiety and anticipation. She is such a brilliantly sparkling person, I cannot imagine her flight falling short of fantastic. At the same time I am filled with parental anxiety at her living outside the boundary of my protection. I know that this is the moment TR and I have been building up to, and now that it is arriving, I am so torn. Of course I want her to fly high and far, I just can't divorce myself from the impulse to be there to catch her. They do grow so quickly.

And that brings my thoughts and concerns to my fabulous freshman. Primo has embarked on his own high school experience and is proving to shine as brightly as his sister. His grades are fine so far and he seems to have found a comfortable place to explore the intricacies of who he is. Lunch out with classmates, teachers he admires and enjoys taking classes with, taking public transportation home everyday, all of these thing seem to filling him with confidence and excitement. We do argue a bit about homework, but not too much. He seems to understand more than ever what's grades mean. I am ever hopeful that he sees them not as an eternal judgement of his character, but as a key to unlocking the doors to his own future. I know I will feel the same as I do about Prima, when it is his turn to go, but I do so want him to stand with a key ring full of keys when he gets to those doors.

My own personal ambitions, achievements and general feelings are much the same as usual, general frustration and confusion at my lack. Lack of everything, except belongings. But now that I am writing about me, my interest is trickling away and i feel the impulse to go do something else. Let me see if I have a photo to end with...

Take Three: Hope on the Horizon

A documentation of Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Our landlady at Armcashel is very attentive and we are not allowed to skip breakfast at her specific instruction, and in order to serve each table with complete attention, she schedules each room in 15 minute intervals. So we were slotted for a 9:15 breakfast time with a 10:00 appointment, which meant hurrying through breakfast as politely as we could and scooting off to the house.

NF was there when we arrived, though she assured us she had only just arrived and that she was enjoying the view when we pulled in. We took her into the new house and she said it all looked good, that we didn't really need to do much to get it going and that we were lucky to have found an older cottage in such good shape.

She then went on to say that since it had already been modernized, it wasn't worth the expense and trouble of undoing things like the concrete facing to bring it back to it's original condition. She was, in fact, very practical about the whole thing and said that some purists would say we should scrap all the 'upgrades' but that she felt that things like the cement facing didn't harm the building at all and in her opinion created a kind of "a raincoat" that kept the dampness out. She kept apologizing for not "being much help" but I have to say that she was very reassuring and gave me a lot of hope for forward motion.

After we thoroughly examined the new house we walked up to the old house to check it over. NF was very patient while going over the new house but it was clear that she was excited to go look at the old one. We fought our way through the wild overgrowth of queen anne's lace and nettles and went in. She looked delighted! She was especially excited about seeing the outshot, as she had never seen one in person before and she thought they were fairly uncommon to find nowadays. She said overall the house looked like it was in really good shape, that what we really need to do first is fix the roof and chimney and that would keep it sound for another 100 years. She suggested we photograph the house in as much detail as possible so that when we are finally able to move forward with it, we know how things were put together, so we can replicate it.

Armed with that thought, LS and I set about recording the old house with my pocket camera, I photographed as much detail as I could and we lost ourselves in the task at hand. Birds serenaded us and the queen anne's lace scented the air with its heavy, sweet fragrance. we pushed past brambles, stopped down nettles, LS took a piece of wood she found and dug down until she found a concrete floor under all that dirt! I do remember when we first bought the house, thinking that we would dig out all the dirt and find something underneath. At that point cattle had used the house as shelter for so many years that the dirt was as hard as concrete and we couldn't make a dent with the shovel we bought. Now that a decade or more has passed the dirt was fluffy and loose, LS was able to dig right down with no problem and she was so excited when she hit the concrete. It looks like it might have tiny pebbles embedded in the concrete, whether decorative or just the material they used, it is beautiful and we were so pleased to find it there. LS was inspired to stay and keep digging, she wanted to go and find a shovel at DM's but the camera ran out of room and it started to rain so we headed back into town to find a cell phone.

Ahhh, here is the part of the trip that gave me the most trouble, (but not for too long) driving. I was fine driving in places where I had been before, even as a passenger on trips where TR was the driver. But when I suddenly found myself driving AND trying to find a store or other destination, it became very difficult and, well, pretty stressful. We drove around Roscommon town trying to find the landmarks RM had told us about that would lead us to the Cell Phone Store. We drove behind the main street, we took a couple of different turnoffs on the big roundabout, we ended up at Tesco, starving and went in to find ready made food. No dice. We headed over to Supervalu, found something to eat and sat in the car discussing what to do. LS texted the builder that the Ms had recommended to us and he called back while we were enjoying our car lunch. After making a date for the next evening, we headed out, following phone directions to find the Cell Phone Store and there it was right on the main street, practically next door to Jackson's. I popped in to see what I could arrange and LS went up to Frances Yarn Establishment to get another, badly needed, skein to finish up her project. All went well and we were done in plenty of time, we were going to head back to our room to freshen up and then go to dinner at The Moorings (RM had kindly made us a reservation which turned out to be necessary that whole week). As we sped towards Castlerea we decided that it would take too long and we abandoned freshening up for timelines, rerouted and headed to the restaurant.

We arrived 30 minutes early, which turned out not to be a problem. We were seated in the solarium, which was far too hot for LS and despite the waiter trying to open windows and close blinds, the temperature remained in the surface-of-the-sun zone for the duration of dinner. The food was really good and the atmosphere (heat aside) was charming and we had a delightful dinner.

Afterwards we had hoped to explore Boyle Abbey, thinking that it was the kind of thing that was just open to the public at all times. But no, it was locked up and we strolled along the sidewalk admiring the remains of what was once a bustling, busy center of the community. Afterwards we headed home for some much deserved rest.

And that was that!

main room and cold storage visible

"fix the chimney and roof"

stairs to the loft (also an unusual feature in this type of house)

window in the mud room

our concrete floor!

View from the chimney

fireplace with swing arm and pots

roof of the outshot

Boyle Abbey

Boyle Abbey

Take Three: Abbreviation

In the interest of posting something instead of nothing this will be a super abbreviated post. Let me add the reminder to myself that Wednesday which would have followed the last post was the day we met with NF from the Roscommon County Council and it was a great meeting. I will give details in the next post. In this post, photos!

ready for anything!

Off comes the rotten 'skirting' (I will be fully fluent in Irish Builder's Terms when done with this project!)

Skirting removed from the baby bedroom (it's time!)

clean up time

adding a little cheer

LS models the latest in demolition headwear

beside the hearth in the main room

main room de-skirted (my own technical term)

"tiles" removed from bathroom floor

before

after

Take Three: Up and Running?

On Wednesday, we did nothing, that's not entirely true, we did eat breakfast, as we do every morning, thanks to our wonderful proprietress RM. But let me back up to Tuesday...

Tuesday we planned to catch up on our social calls, as we had missed everyone on Sunday and Monday (except the Ms). We took care of our housekeeping in our room and headed to NW's for a visit, when was warm and wonderful and carried us into the afternoon. We were lucky enough to meet up with SC and had a lovely visit with her. Afterwards we headed to the Badger's Den... and checked in on it. All was in order so we flew away on and adventure. Well there was a period of rest back at our room for a little bit.

We drove up to Sligo for dinner at Shells, fish and chips! After eating all we could possibly fit in, we drove to Knocknarea for the long climb to Maeve's Cairn. Climbing up that mountain is tough on a full stomach. I have to confess, I used the Kimmy Schmidt method after a awhile, I just kept counting from 1 to 10 over and over. Of course the climb is always worth it and we were up top for quite a while, looking at the stones full of sea fossils and examining the exposed tombs and cairn. The view was breathtaking, clear, endless. We didn't know but it was a special night of bonfires and every direction we turned in there were plumes of some drifting upwards from a fire. As we descended, there was one where the flames were clearly visible and the closer we got we realized that the fire itself was as big as a house. It was late, darkness was descending and we climbed in our car and headed home. At one point we passed a bonfire that looked like it was practically on the road. Cones placed on the road warned of the upcoming obstacle, children skipped and danced at the side of the road, faces lit by the fire and with excitement, eyes sparkling.

Getting in late, we weren't sleepy and we stayed up far later than we should have, talking to our dear ones over vast oceans and continents. It was a glorious day in Ireland as usual, the countryside endlessly rolling out in waves of grass, bowing and bending as the wind brushes of and through it. The sky filling with clouds only to be blown away and then fill up again.

In the interest of progress, I am going to post this abbreviated post and then try for longer one later, here are some photos:

Knocknarea panorama

View from Kkocknarea

Ben Bulben

and Good Night?

Take Three: Baby Steps

We shall see if N@the RCC is in fact a lady or a man. For some reason in our emails I have thought of her/him as a lady. Then I looked the name up online and it was touted a male name. Then when we called on DM and LM they said it was a female name. So only time will tell.

It was a productive and full day, LS and I started out slowly, walking over from our B&B to the house of the High King's of Ireland for a tour. It was lovely, our tour guide is a descendant of the family, through his mother, and he and his wife still live in the family home. It is filled with unbelievably wonderful artifacts and antiques that have been his families possessions since they were new. We were shown a "bride", the stone that represents Ireland and was used in the coronation of kings for centuries, perhaps a millennium. There was the imprint of a footprint, the spot, that for hundreds if not thousands of years his ancestors placed their foot upon the rock and vowed their loyalty to the land and it's people. We were told that there are only two stones of that kind left today, the one from his family in his garden and the "King Stone" of Scottish fame that resides under the throne in Westminster Abbey.  His family has had a long and involved with Ireland and even at their darkest or lowest point they never gave up their identity or purpose. We walked into the grounds to the house and on the walk out, our host came driving down the road/driveway and stopped to offer us a ride. Pretty fab, I thought!

We went from there back to the B&B where we gathered up all ur thoughts and efforts, I checked in with TR, LS checked in with her family we got ourselves together and we took off for dinner and stuff. We had a delightful meal at Jackson's (is it telling that this restaurant is thousands of miles from my year round residence but they still know me there? Guess I eat at the same places all the time!) and then we headed out to our village to call on friend and family.

We literally popped in on NW, she was inside watching TV and didn't hear us but we heard some noises round the back and we investigated. We found HC and boy was he surprised to see us. I realize now that I have never met him but I introduced us and he showed us into the house where we had a quick visit with NW and planned a longer visit for the next day.

We went up the LM and DM's house where the eldest of the young Miss M's was still awake. We presented her with a teddy, which she seemed to love and we all sat for tea and a long chat about how to 'do up' the cottage, it was a lovely and very informative visit.

Armed with hope, a list of contacts and a plan we headed home where we stayed up way to late chatting online with our beloved family members and watching silly things on tv.

And now Goodnight.

the little bedroom

carpet out, 'skirting' (baseboards) off

tiniest fireplace ever

Take Three: Stepping Boldly Forward?

Each night I am completely settled, in my mind, in my plans and by the next morning all those thoughts and plans are scattered about, I am wildly looking around, grabbing at them trying, to gather them up as quickly as I can. As I spoke to TR last night and felt so settled by that, I was ready to tackle today with lots of enthusiasm and sure that progress would be made. Now I am, again, sitting thinking how silly those plans were, of course I have nothing to say the the ESB until the electricity is back on. Heaters won't be installed until the house is closer to being finished, I think.

As I mentioned before, I feel secure in my footing, until some advice comes along that topples me and I am ready to throw my hands up and say "whatever!". Now it feels as if it's simply the light of a new day that has thrown my plans to the ground.

One of my (oddly weird) stumbling blocks is that I uploaded pictures of the house so that I could post them here and TR would be able to see them and participate (as much as possible) from afar. Much to my chagrin, the photos appear in my photo application but I can't seem to access them when I choose to upload into the blog from blogger.com. Weird! I uploaded them from my phone, though if I choose the 'from my phone' option, they still don't show up. I am stumped, maybe I need to restart Safari, maybe it's deeper than that. I suppose I can google it and find out that way. First I will write down my list from the book, then, something else!

What I Have So Far:

• Investigate insurance (FBD?)
• Look into grants to replace: doors / windows / septic tank 
• Call B@ESB to enquire about timing of installing storage heaters
• Ask DM if he recommends a plumber to install radiators
• Check in with N@the RCC about meeting time

That seems like a fair amount of tasks, but really each time I get ready to tackle one, I ponder and ponder and decide it's really pointless. So I am going to put this entry aside for a minute, investigate some of the points I can and then we will go calling on relatives.

Here I go....

So it looks like we aren't eligible for grants of any kind, first because they seem to be mostly tax credits and we don't pay income taxes here (in Ireland), second because some of them appear to be income based and we make too much money to be eligible for a grant (which in the long run is only a good thing!) and third because for the Home Renovation Incentive (HRI) holiday homes aren't eligible. So there it is, grants away, I can check that right off my list!

Now to investigate the photo syndrome....

Roscommon Castle - zockso

So as it turned out, it was just as it was always queried in the " IT Crowd ", I turned off and turned it on again and the picture were miraculously  there! More tomorrow, or perhaps later today if that's how I'm feeling.

Good morning!

Take Three, In Which We Start a New Project

It has begun. LS and I are in Ireland beginning the renovation/restoration of the Badger's Den (Named For All The Badgers We've Never Seen Nearby). We have been here for four days and here's what we have accomplished so far:

• Torn out all the rotten baseboards
• Pulled up the carpet in the two bedrooms
• Removed the moldy kitchen door
• Pulled up the tiles in the bathroom
• Taken down the plastic wall unit above the bathroom sink
• Removed the plastic skirt from around the bathtub
• Cleaned up the rose canes that had been trimmed (in our absence)
• Removed the weeds from around the house (they were practically growing up right out of the walls!)
• Accepted delivery of the skip
• Loaded the skip

All of that was done in one day (except the skip delivery and loading, which was done in about 10 minutes the following day). We worked like mad women and when we finished we looked around and looked at the clock and went "huh, now what?"

We have been checking back to the house every day, puttering, weeding a bit more, tidying here and there. After we seemed to hit a stalling point I felt a bit directionless. My plan was so clear and I had everything lined up ready to execute as soon as we got here, my first stumbling block (which wasn't such a bad thing) was that the actual tear out didn't take nearly as long as I thought it would. I had allocated several days to the tear out so when we seemed to finish in one day, I had no plan for what to do with the extra time (a problem that has been duly dealt with). As my plans seemed to unravel I felt more and more disconnected from the whole project. I felt the stillness seeping into my psyche and washing all my momentum away. I wanted so much to talk to TR, to reflect my thoughts and ideas to him and find some clarity and movement. It took a few days but I finally connected to him and we talked it out. He was his usual supportive and level headed self. We asked all the right question, helped me find my feet and redirect my aimlessness and I feel much more ready-set-go than hiding-under-the-covers.

So now I need to drop payment for the electrical inspection, tear out some of the rotten door moldings, call the Georgian Restoration Lady, check in with the neighbors about a few things and check in with RC (Dublin Cousin, who may be known as RCDC from now on...) and see how I should handle that whole thing.

Okay, I'm not feeling so write-y tonight so I am going to link up some photos and add a bit tomorrow.

Good night

Due to technical difficulties, I am unable to add photos of the project, I will check in with my IT savior tomorrow but for tonight you get this:

Still Charmed by the Third Time: In Which We Have an Epiphany

I have heard that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I must be well on my way. All day, everyday, I dream up plans and schemes to do wonderful things, paint the inside of the house, reorganize every room, write a book, make teddy bears, knit rugs and dish towels and blankets. All of these things swirl around my head like whirlpool and then by 2:00 pm I am tired and spent and I end up tidying minimally in the kitchen, half-heartedly feeding my family and sitting quietly until bedtime.

This weekend, I spent a large amount of time organizing and re-organizing stuff. I hauled things down from the cottage to the basement, categorized them, spruced them up, priced (most of) them, put them in boxes and shut the basement door. I do want to have a yard sale, I asked Primo to make a sign for me and he crabbed about how much I demand of him and how put out he was that he had to stop making his nerf gun mods, and he didn't make the sign. I was so dejected, I felt so alone and ignored. I have been asking my family for help with home projects for YEARS and I think that they just see me as crabbing because I hate to work. But that is not true, and as I pondered this whole thing before I sat down to this blog, I had a realization (here comes the epiphany...) I don't mind work, cleaning house, doing odd jobs, maintenance or improvements to the house. I actually really enjoy it, but I just don't want to do it alone.

There it is, in a nutshell, as tidy as you like. I want company while I do these tasks. Someone to mull over the-state-of-things with. Someone to bounce ideas off of, or that will put their own ideas on the table. Someone to hand me a pair of scissors or to ask me for a duster.  It's just as Piglet said, "It's so much friendlier with two".

Now I just need to find a way to bring company on board!

This is an extra short entry, most because I am tired and I want to make sure that I post something, it's been ages since I have posted anything at all. I have had great adventures and achievements and I have lots planned. But first I am just going to put this little bit out there. Tomorrow, when the sun is shining and my heart is full of promise and energy, I will write some of my adventures and plans down. But tonight, I am going to sleep.

Goodnight.

The Badger's Den, Named for all the Badgers We've Never Seen Nearby
next week's project!

Third Time 'Round, Hope the Charm Works! #1

I don't even know how long it has been since my last entry, and I could go back an look, but I'm not going to, it's more of a mystery that way!

Much has happened and much has stayed the same. I went through a Period-of-Great-Interest regarding my bears. I spent almost a week working industriously on them, finishing two, bringing another two or three to near completion, another two to partial completion and cut out seven more. I made a baby blanket for TT's new baby girl, I cleaned off and rearranged my jewelry table. I started walking around the lake with CW,  3+ miles every time! For a few weeks, we were walking at least four days a week. We talked in a 5k marathon together, it was great fun and even though we walked amongst all the runners, we had a good time and seeing the city like that. with all the downtown roads closed off, and people standing at the sidewalks, cheering friends and family on or handing out water to runners, was an experience I will never forget. We got medals, which made me feel simultaneously pleased and foolish, but mostly pleased and my family was all very lovingly supportive when I got home and showed them. My marathon number is still on the fridge!

The biggest thing I have done (not alone mind you) was go to Ireland to work on The Badger's Den, Named for all the Badger's We've Never Seen Nearby. We took ten days and the while family trekked over together. Prima and Primo mostly stayed at the rental cottage doing homework, watching TV and keeping warm. TR and I spent at least three good days at the cottage(s) working on what projects we could to get that dear little house closer to being stayed in. We met with the ESB, which is the entity that deals with electricity, and we should be getting the electricity turned on soon. Bernard, the gentleman signed to our case was very optimistic that it wouldn't be too hard to get it done. We have registered with Irish Water, and also registered our septic tank. We pulled the funky old vinyl flooring up out of the bathroom and hallway, we swept and washed what we could. We bought candles and set them on top of the stone mantle and lit them whenever we were home to lend a little warmth ad cheer to the cottage. We cleared all the blackberry brambles from around the Old Cottage in the hopes that the structure wouldn't be knocked over by creeping brambles. We met neighbors and started forging relationships, sought advice and visited with friends we already know. It was a fruitful trip that plated the seed of hope a littler deeper and firmer in my heart. The landscape there is so beautiful, and even in the cold, drear of the rain we happily chipped away at our tasks, engaged and enjoying ourselves immensely.

On Thursday our cousins came to see it with us and were very enthusiastic about the prospect of accomplishing renovation. We all met for lunch in Co. Longford and then they volunteered to accompany us all the way back to our county to see The Badger's Den...( I did ask a neighbor and indeed, there are badger's in the area, but we were also informed that farmer's do not like them as they can carry TB and spread it to the cattle.)

We had two and a bit days in Dublin and we were all very sad to leave. Dublin is such a vibrant, friendly city and our cousin RC, gave us the pleasure of his company for the better part of one of the days we had there. We went to the National Library to see an exhibit about WWI, we went on an historical walking tour led by a graduate of Trinity College (I think he actually held a more important position that "graduate" but I can't remember what it was.) The tour was very interesting and informative, at least to grown-ups. To the teenagers and little ones in tow I think it was torture, long narratives about names, dates and lists of things that made no sense and didn't fit anywhere i to their universe of interests.

Alas, I was interrupted and failed to complete this entry, but, in the interest of forward movement, I will post it as it regardless. If only I can find an appropriate photo...

all paths lead to the future

Take Two, One Giant Step Forward

We watched Forrest Gump with the kids tonight and it made me cry several times. The most obvious time is when Jenny dies, how sorrowful that he should lose her after she was finally able to allow him to treat her well. The times that surprised me were the scenes that took place in the '60's, for some reason it made me cry to hear the music and see scenes of the world as if it were still happening. Maybe because it reminds me that my childhood is slipping further and further into middle age and that has happened so quickly that I know old age is not too far off. Anyway that is not the direction a title like "One Giant Step Forward" should be heading in, it sounds more like "One Giant Sob Story" and that is not what I am doing right now, though I do still feel like crying.

My original thought as I wrote the title (yesterday) was to write down that I have (finally!) enrolled in a mediation training course. I have high hopes for it, as I was stuck in between two choices that pulled me in opposite directions and felt rather hopeless about the whole endeavour and then LS found me an alternative that was baby bear perfect. I enrolled immediately so I couldn't back out of it and I will attend in April. I am nervous but that's to be expected, and maybe this will help me to open a door for myself. And with that, I'm off!

Dublin dandelion

Take Two, Now Where Was I?

Oh Yes now I remember, I was in the middle of life changing (without the 'c' it's hanging, and we don't want to do that, now do we?) actions that would bring me closer to self actualization and life achievements and all that jazz. Wouldn't you know it, life got in the way of my life changing actions and now I am back at square one , scratching my head, wondering what happened. As usual...

In all seriousness, I was trying to change the direction of the train I'm on, but, well I can't exactly remember why I was derailed, oh yes, I remember now. I was decluttering my life and making pretty good headway, but I was completely thrown off by the sad realization that no matter how much I clean and clear out my belongings that there is a whole house full of belongings that I am not responsible for and have no sway over whether they go or stay, and that sobering realization froze me where I was and now the house is unkempt, I am working on what seems to be my seven hundred and fifty-seventh cold since September and I am no closer to self actualization than I ever was.

We took the last trip to Disneyland with our annual passes (a luxury I have thoroughly enjoyed and secretly wish we were renewing, but know we have other priorities) and I had a wonderful time, loved the rides, the beautiful sunny days (even though it did rain a bit). I love the connection I feel to my grandparents and how palpable my historical family is to me when I am there. It's almost a little melancholic but wraps me in belonging  and a sense of strength and stability.

As I wander through the park I am always struck by the enormous variety of people that it attracts. Disney seems to touch people from every walk of life, all shapes and sizes, each one feeling connected personally to the characters they have grown up with, the stories that have helped shape their beliefs, hopes and dreams. I always wonder when I am there, what the meaning of it all is. Parents striding purposefully, children firmly in hand, from one line to another, intent to make it there before someone else gets in line before them. It makes me wonder what our purpose is on this planet, in this galaxy, in the universe. Eating corn dogs and Dole pineapple whip, juggling children, purchases and all the sundries brought along to make the day's outing more comfortable. Where does this fit into the scheme of order and progress in the cosmos?

Don't get me wrong, I love it there, the sound of familiar music burbling though the air, all around you, everywhere you go, songs that sing of happiness and contentment, even the shape of the melodies are smooth and soothing as they float from the speakers, bathing you in reassurance that all really IS well with the world. I can feel myself relax when we walk down the main walkway towards the security check, as we get to the point that the music is audible. I love the familiar stories coming to life, Peter Pan, Wind in the Willows and my favorite ride of all the Teacups. Alice's voice calling to everyone to come and join the tea party, the lanterns strung overhead, spinning round and around until you feel that you are lost in the story yourself. But still I can't help but ask myself each time we go, to what end is all this?

This sounds far more morose than it is intended to be, I must change direction!

Primo has been accepted into the Art School, he is such a marvelous young man! I am very relieved and happy, I believe he is too. He fell to the floor with delight when he received his acceptance letter. It is a great relief to my mind and heart that I will be able to entrust his education and well being to an institution that I wholeheartedly believe in. I know that it does't work for everybody, but it really has worked for our family so far with Prima and I look forward to the journey though it with him. Now if we can just finish this year out on a high note, I think Primo will be very pleased with himself.

Prima won an award for her writing, though when she told us about it she dimpled up, blurted it out and then proceeded to deconstruct the success. Claiming that it wasn't a very big deal because it was third prize and not first. I am continually amazed by her, she is always so hidden and modest about her talents. Funny girl! It is a big deal, it was a Scholastic Writing and Composition contest for the entire West Coast! And she won!

As for me, I still want all the things I always do, order, focus, success and I am still as distracted and scattered as ever, but I do have a few thing to add to my list of completed tasks:

• I promised teddy bears to two girls from former work last year and I FINALLY completed and delivered them. In the process I came up with a packaging idea for the bears.
• I finished the bear for CD I promised over two years ago (though I still have to deliver it to him)
• I went in for a "meeting" with Ex-Boss and discovered that indeed he is my Ex-Boss and there seems to be no pending return to struggle with, which was a relief to put to rest.
• I have been working in the studio more than ever and even whipped up a new lunch bag for Prima one day after discovering that the previous ones I made have gone missing.
• I have been walking regularly with CW and helping out with the launch of her new business.
• I felted and processed all the gazillion sweaters I culled out of my collection, I have lots of material for blankets.

There may be more that I amn't (yes, I used that word on purpose, a nod to one of my pre-school students!) thinking of at the moment, but it seems like quite enough to list for now. Any more and I will just seem to be building myself up falsely!

Life is good (to borrow an over used, over marketed phrase) and time is continuing to rush by me no matter what I do so I resolve to hang on tight and enjoy as much as I can.

DeYoung Museum

Take Two, Day Nine, Is This Really Where I am?

Today's agenda will be full of children, birthday preparations for friends, a little house cleaning and other housewife-y stuff. I want to get this down now as I have fallen sadly behind and I do want to keep up with this. As I mentioned on my return, it seems to be greatly beneficial to look at things outside of my own skull (this is a total non-sequitur but I never really though about the fact that I have my own skull. I mean obviously I have one but I have never really thought about how it's all spookily skull shaped under my face, hmmm), so even if this post is pithy and irrelevant I want to build back up to the habit of checking in daily.

I had an interesting talk with GD, and old family friend and BFF of Mama. She was relating how hard life was for her and her kids when she moved from one coast to the other, how things changed for her children, how uncertain and on the edge life was for them. I can completely relate to the way her kids felt, that happened to me every few years. Until we moved to the Bay Area, 6 years was the longest I had ever lived anywhere, and as hard as those 6 years were I clung to them after we left because it was what I knew best. Anyway as we were talking I realized ( as I do over and over again) that everyone is busy overcoming their burdens and obstacles, that from the outside things appear easier because when we are peering in from the outside those burdens aren't sitting on us. We only see the frosting, essentially. As a child it seemed that everything worked out easily for her and her kids, that had their own house, she wasn't dependent on a partner and subject to their whims. I had no idea that her children were angry and resentful about being moved from the home they knew to what was the scary unknown for them. But I should have been able to see that, I knew that feeling so well, I had been moved around so many times, life was so unstable and uncertain. Perhaps that's why I am so afraid that things will be unstable again. Perhaps that is why I am afraid to look my circumstances directly in the eye and see what they have to say for themselves. If I turn away I don't have to confront that fear, I can be like Scarlett O'Hara and save it for tomorrow. Then I don't have to deal with the fear at all, because tomorrow is always just a bit out of reach and out of reality.

Moving on...I declared sometime, early on, in this 8 Weeks blog that I was going to fix up the cottage, and then I walked out on that declaration. I want to go back to that, and think about what needs to be done, what I can do myself and what I need to hire someone to do.

What needs to be done:

• level whole cottage
• roof repaired/replaced 
• windows replaced
• floor repaired
• new carpet
• bathroom redone
• plumbing overhauled
• new deck (back)
• new deck (front)
• kitchen revitalized
• stove repaired
• paint
• new fridge
• new gutters

What I need a professional for:

• level whole cottage
• plumbing overhaul
• new carpet
• stove repaired
• floor repaired

What will get done faster with a professional, but I/we can do ourselves

• windows replaced
• roof repaired/replaced
• new deck (back)
• new deck (front)
• kitchen revitalized 

What I/we can do:

• paint
• new fridge
• new gutters
• bathroom redone

There is plenty I/we can do, I think we need to start with the leveling though, which we can do, by jacking it up and leveling it but I think it would be nice to have an engineer look at it and make sure it is done in a way that makes it structurally sound, not just band aided together. So I will check in with TR and see if he agrees we should start there and then we can start cleaning it out and get it ready for it's do-over!

And now I am off to go make some birthday presents, I am trying to be mindful of finances, as I have a ton of inventory to work with, I will make presents instead of buying them. And as it is only 9:43am, I will say good day instead of goodnight, so Good Day!

Maximum Occupancy met with the cashier and customer pictured, perhaps we should have waited outside!

Take Two, Day Eight, Back On Track?

Derailed, defeated, demoralized, d, d, d...I think there is a Dr. Seuss style verse in there somewhere, but I don't think I care to look for it. Now to organize thoughts and move forward.

Clothes, check. Books, che...I haven't finished the word check because I haven't moved the culled books out of the house yet. Mama came yesterday and just like the book said, if you let people sort through your discard pile, they will find things to keep. Yes, she did and I didn't stop her, the Tarzan books, the Wizard of Oz and the Chronicles of Narnia all went home with her. I am partly relieved not to have to say good bye to old friends, but part of me was looking forward to being strong and creating change in my life. So it's a stalemate.

Since the book effort, which was Monday, I haven't done much towards that tidying goal. I read more of the book, the end seems to be more philosophical approaches to life than an instruction manual, one of the bits of advice she gives seems pretty spot on. She says that it's good practice to greet your house when you return to it, to be mindful of what it promised for you, to say hello and thank it for a job well done. Now I personally do not believe that objects are alive per se, but I do believe that by treating some things as is they were alive it changes your attitude and energy towards, what? Well the object, your relationship with the object, your attitude towards your environment, possibly your perspective on yourself in your life, the Universe? Perhaps, perhaps that and more or less but it seems to be a logical sequence of thoughts to say that if you come home and are thankful and appreciative, you enter your home in a different state of being than if you come home and are bitter and dissatisfied. Your evening is probably going to be different, you may sleep differently, the energy around you will be different, it could be the difference between grinding your teeth in your sleep and being relaxed while you sleep. Sadly I haven't remembered to greet the house once since I have added that intent to my long list of intentions. I have gotten as far as reminding myself as I drive up Thornhll but that's the closest I have come. Maybe today I will remember.

I haven't tackled the papers yet, as I mentioned, I believe it's because I don't view them as all mine, but perhaps they are in a funny way. I have had the care and keeping of all of our paperwork in my hands for some time now. Perhaps I can make that call to "keep or chuck" (as I like to ask my children when I am helping them to clean out their spaces) by myself and keep pushing forward. I will try on Friday or Monday, as Thursday seems to be squashed full of busy-ness and the weekend is always a wash. Though TR and I agreed to spend this weekend n the cottage working to get it to a rentable state, which I know won't happen in one weekend, but it will never happen if we don't start it at all! Okay, I'm at the end, this is where I say goodnight!

Pizza box artwork by Primo (it's a rainbow)

Take Two, Day Seven, Melancholia

Not to harp on negative stuff, but I was floundering near the doldrums and now I am fully ensnared in their flaccid, sorrowful grip. Is it chemical? Environmental? Psychological? I do not know, and I may never. I suppose I must just muddle through it and hope I come through it, as I do every time. It's frustrating to feel so defeated and know that I'm not. Doldrums or not, I did clean house a bit, vacuumed the sofa (and plumped it up too), dusted a bit, vacuumed the living room and put away dishes. Thank goodness for LS who chatted with me the whole time, I say chatted but it was more like a deep and meaningful exploration of our lives and innermost selves, all while cleaning house. How Zen is that?

I spent a great deal of the weekend sitting still, we all know how that turns out for me, not well, but I did do the books and I think I'm stalled out on the papers because I don't see them as only mine. I haven't asked TR to completely jump into this with me yet, he did help with the books a bit.

This post was abandoned mid-write, Mama and WJRY came and took me out to lunch, we had a great time. I shall post as is and try for todays post, I have been woefully careless about keeping up with this. Perhaps that says something about having so much time that is unclaimed. Goodnight?

More secret cranes

Take Two, Skip a Few, Now We Are Six (Day Six That Is)

The weekend blissfully enfolded me into family busy-ness and cozy time and before I knew it days four and five had slipped right by me. I had every intention of writing every day, but found myself immersed in being with TR and the kids and somehow blogging took back seat.

So I have been kind of productive, my house does need to be vacuumed and dusted (I recently read a National Geographic article on mites and I am horrified of what my house looks like, microscopically) I still need to put the drying rack and Thomas' sweaters away. The couch needs a good plumping, but besides that things are in reasonable order.

Yesterday I tackled the book portion of my tidying endeavour and I discovered two major things; the first is that the majority of books in the house don't belong to me, and the second is that all the books I have are sentimental. I kept any book from my childhood and a few stories that I might not read regularly, but comfort me to have around (yes, it's Moomintroll and oddly enough Thorton W. Burgess, I love his stories!), all the books by or illustrated by Dorothy P. Lathrop ( I found one inscribed to my Great-Great Grandfather) things like that. Books that were moved out were the Tarzan books I had, series that I had from younger days that I will never read again and are readily available at the library. I packed up two boxes of books (with TR's help) and they are ready to take to the book sellers to offer for resale. Anything that is rejected goes to the Salvation Army.

That's all for now...hopefully I will have more tidying reports soon! Goodnight?

Pinehaven moon

Take Two, Day Three, Migrane City

A lost day, no, not lost, just given over to circumstances beyond my control. The headaches I get when the weather changes do not really respond to any pain relievers, I just have to wait them out. I woke up with one and it had diminished some by the time I was on my return trip from the morning drop off. It was such a marvellous (the dictionary says I can spell it this way, and this is the way I like to spell it, the double l's please me) ride home, a wintry haze hung like a veil in the air, making everything cold and bright. I ran my thoughts over everything I could do when I got home, work on teddy bears or the wedding blanket, I could practice my ukulele or go for a walk. I walked throughout the thoughts of all the possibilities the day might hold for me and when I got home, after I prepared myself some breakfast, I sat at the table, paying bills, reading friends blogs, talking to LS, until my headache was so bad that I couldn't bear it. I drew a hot, heavily lavender infused bath and tried to eradicate it that way. It helped for a bit and at that point I gave up on the day and decided to sit quietly and knit. Which I did, and watched a charming but silly show while knitting.  

I did manage to look up the-order-of-things-to-be-tidied in the tidying book. I wrote them down so that I have them handy for easy reference. Books are next on the list, I am hoping that sometime this weekend I will make it through that portion of the tidying task. I have decided that I will let go of the Tarzan books I have, they dredge up sad memories, even though I love the stories. I read the whole series by the time I was 11, and they were the best stories I had ever read up to then. But the books themselves make me think of how unwelcome I felt as a child and I think it's time to let that go.

LS and I agreed that in our endeavour we will add a category for craft and hobby materials. Those possessions will be really hard to let go of, I am so familiar with the emotions I have invested in my art/craft/hobby supplies, it will be tricky but I think we can do it. LS made great headway yesterday and I feel that together we can stand against the stasis we have felt trapped in for all this time. We can push through the barriers we have created and find the growth and change we have been looking for, for so long.

I am going to bed now, goodnight!

De Young with heron and urn

Take Two, Day Two, In Which We Examine the Success With Clothes

I told LS I wouldn't blog tonight, but I found myself a little disappointed at not taking stock of the day's activities and today I felt so comforted after writing last night that I have decided to go ahead and say a little something anyway (sorry LS, you know I love you!).

So as reported yesterday my plan was to implement the first step in the KonMari method of clearing out one's life, and that's exactly what I did. As soon as I dropped off the kids and TR, I raced home (with a quick detour to the cleaners, I finally dropped off the shirt that had beer spilled on it at the wedding) and pulled out all my clothes from every nook and cranny I could think of, spread them out on my bed and sorted my heart out. I tried picking up each item, handling it and seeing if it gave me a spark of joy, as the book directed. It didn't happen exactly as I thought it would, the first thing I noticed was that with many items, I had made my mind up before I even touched the article, it seemed to happen especially with the shoes. I made myself slow down and consider each item that I was holding. I think I got rid of a fair amount, especially considering that I have just cleaned out my clothes about a month ago.

I found that if I replaced the 'does it spark joy in you' with truthfully considering how I felt wearing the article in my hands, I was more likely to put it in the discard pile. So many things I own(ed)were kept because I felt obligated to keep them or I hoped I would change my physical body and it would fit better or be more comfortable. I was very mindful to let myself be thankful for the job the article had done for me, if it was something I bought on a vacation, I fondly recalled the memory and was thankful for that trip, if it was a gift, I appreciated the person that gave to to me. The author was spot on (for me at least) that by acknowledging the part in my life each item had played, it was easier to let it go and become someone else's happiness. I will confess that several items remain that I know I will never wear again, but the emotional tie is strong enough that I am still honoring that (like the hand painted tank top G'mpa bought me on one of my last visits with him before he died).

Here are the before and after photos:

All the clothes

and the shoes

ready to donate!

sweaters to felt

All done, ready to be put away

The biggest change and accomplishment wasn't that I cleaned out the clothes, it was that I didn't put the bags by the door to deal with on another day, I took everything out right away. I swung by the consignment store first and they took, pretty much nothing, as usual. Then the rest went to Salvation Army and I can't change my mind now. It feels kind of liberating for the things to be gone and I cannot wimble at all about it.

I think the hardest things to part with were the sweaters, every one I picked up I told myself I might wear it, if the weather changed, if I lost weight, if I became someone else. I finally decided that anything stained or torn was out. That took care of a fair number, I seem to have kept tons of sweaters with stains on the cuffs. So off they went. I am down to one drawer and two shelves in the hanging storage thing I have.

The saddest part of the effort is that you can't tell anything has changed when you walk into the room. It's all about the inside, hidden parts that no one looks at. There's a metaphor in there somewhere, I'll have to put that in tomorrow's post.

Anyway I have pared down and tomorrow's endeavor will be to finish the book, write down the order of clearing out she suggests and I'm going to see the new baby!  That's it for now, goodnight.

Japanese Tea Garden GG Park

Back to Day One, Re-set on January 14th 2015

Aaaannnd we're back!

I have been remiss in keeping up with this blog, I don't know what happened exactly. I was surprised that I managed to keep it going until the day after Christmas and if I weren't quite so lazy, or complacent if you will, I would know exactly how many days it has been since I left work and started my own business, taking care of my life. Which pays less but gives more satisfaction, generally. I feel I must confess that I totally fell off the wagon when I stopped blogging, not only did I give myself permission to relax my vigilance around accomplishing daily tasks, I fell back into a mild depression and noticed how much the two things feed off of each other. The less active I am in my daily life, the more dissatisfied I become and in turn I become even more paralyzed. In re-reading the beginning of this I will say that I believe that I stopped writing because I allowed myself to 'have a vacation' and it did me absolutely no good. In addition to becoming unproductive and depressed, I found that writing daily gave me a sense of mental peace that I don't find without the release of writing. So I am back, for better or for worse, for everyday or not, I think it best if I keep this going.

So my goal of the moment: I read a book called like "the life-changing magic of tidying up" ( okay, I have a couple of chapters left, but I am mostly done and I am rarin' to go!) and the author presents a method of clearing out and cleaning up that seems feasible for me. I am really excited to start it and I have worked out a fabulous plan with LS. We will both start the KonMari method together and keep track of our progress via blog (I toyed with the idea of starting a new blog just for the occasion but decided that it would be better to just keep going where I am, less housekeeping overall). We have decided to jump right in and start tomorrow and she is so good, she wrote down her intent and sent me the link to her blog right away. I, in my usual fashion, kept busy all day (ok, it's not my usual fashion to keep busy all day) and thought about what I would write, put it off and am doing it now, late(ish) at night.

So here is my intent, tomorrow we start, the instructions say to start with your own stuff first, and within that to start with clothes first. So tomorrow when I get home from drop off, I will gather all my clothes from everywhere in the house bring them to my room and sort them out. I will only keep clothes I truly enjoy wearing, I will willingly let go of anything that fills up my closet, dresser or life with unnecessary weight or burden and I will take what I no longer want to the Donation Station right away. Besides that I have just been asked to conduct a tour at the High School tomorrow so I will have to get all of this done by noon. Wish me luck, I may have just set myself an impossible task, but I am hopeful that I will get it done.

Since I have been away from this blog many magical and wonderful things have happened, TW and LW's baby was born (completely thrilling!), I went on a walk as far across the Bay Bridge as is possible with TR and TD and the boys (the boys bicycled and beat us by a longshot!). I went to GG Park with Prima for a school field trip, to an art exhibit (Keith Haring) and had the best time, not only seeing the exhibit, which was quite moving, but I had a great time with my girl. Primo started folding tiny cranes and leaving them in places he had been, starting at Dad and B's wedding. All these magical moments, twinkling and sparkling in hidden, unexpected places, and I hadn't really taken note of them until now. I feel very happy to have noticed them.

So I am off to bed, I must get an early start to tomorrow, LS, here we go! Goodnight : )

Tiny cranes folded by Primo