Day Seventy-Two, Tuesday Night at the Reflection Pool

I did go back and start reading through this blog today and I found out some interesting things. Firstly I noticed that my lists were a combination of major tasks, things that would take more than one day to complete and routine tasks, things that I have to do on a regular basis, and can take anywhere from 5 minutes to 5 hours. The Major Tasks tended to be things that I have dreamt of doing but somehow never got around to. After doing them I felt great but now that some time has gone by those accomplishments have faded into the background and I hardly remember what life was like before I completed them. These include:
having the piano moved
packing up and actually making at least three trips to the Donation Station with at least 10 bags each time
moving out the small couch
moving out the sideboard
reorganizing and de-cluttering the living room (so much that as I read through the blog and came across the task of cleaning up and around the craft shelf in the living room, I didn't remember what the craft shelf was)
moving craft shelf out of living room
getting rid of the OBC
organizing the kitchen drawers (so the clutter on the counter had somewhere to live, tidily)

I have also painted the kitchen, dining room and bathroom (thanks to Mamma for that motivation and company!), dug out the back patio with Primo, made a baby blanket in two hours, volunteered at both kid's schools, started making breakfast regularly for my family, kept the living room clean, on Sunday last, with TR's help de-cluttered the kitchen window and top of the china cabinet in the dining room.

I have ben far more productive than I feel I have been. I'm not sure what makes me remember my activities in such a dismissive light, but I really do. Somehow I never see my actions as important or noticeable. I feel my writing is mediocre, my art and crafts are fair to middling, my housekeeping skills are laughable, this is how I view myself. But when I look at what I have recorded it looks very different to me. If I read this as someone else's blog, I would be impressed with what they have done, I would be a little envious that I wasn't doing the same. So why do I see myself with such harsh filters? I feel embarrassed even saying this out loud, here in the blog. Almost as if some great face in the sky will suddenly show itself, laughing and mocking me, belittling my thoughts and efforts. It is almost as if I am invisible to myself, or at least, am trying to be invisible. But one of the most common threads in the blog is how much I want to be vibrant, active and alive. So why am I constantly undermining myself? A question that may deserve more thought than an evening's entry in a blog.

What I noticed that I didn't accomplish is this:
make raspberry curd (I have the berries!)
make or finish ANY bears
get shelves for the basement
(the following I didn't come across while re-reading, I just know I swore to do them and haven't)
Buy running shoes and start C25K
start writing a book
organize/fix up the cottage
look into/sign up for mediation training

The things I let go of seem to have the common theme of being either something entirely for me or something that will benefit me more than other family members. Another pattern that would seem to warrant further investigation.

So today I am going to record my list, check in about the successes and failures and try to keep recording in real time what I am accomplishing. Otherwise those accomplishments fall by the wayside and I end up feeling like a complete failure.

Today's Tasks:

• fold laundry (I got most of it folded, I will attempt to finish tomorrow)
• call ACL re:Thursday's plans (I texted JCL and everything is set)
• ebay listing
• blog re-read
• wash laundry (oh right, I DID fold the laundry from the first item, I forgot I washed three more loads and folded most of them but not all)
• iron
• pay bills

So I didn't list anything on eBay, thoughI have several items picked out to photograph and list. I also bought a scale so I can print out shipping labels and mail from my mailbox instead of having to go to the Post Office. Hopefully that will be done tomorrow. I did start re-reading as I mentioned, and I will continue that in the days to come. I did iron my shirts, which is a monumental task for me as I am terrible at ironing! I did not pay bills, I found out that our re-fi was funded so the bill I thought was due, is not so I can chalk that up on tomorrow's list. I don't think anything else is late as of yet.

What I did today that wasn't on the list was:

• take Prima to Ikea to get new curtains for the doorway between her room and the living room
• bought presents for people that needed a present
• bought a new pair of pants for myself ( something I have been meaning to do for some time)
• picked up the CSA box 

Of course then there is all the stuff that is always in one's day that is not given a second thought, dishes, sweeping, wiping counters down, washing sinks out, all those little, time consuming tasks that are never noticed unless they are NOT done.

So busy, productive, still not at the top of where I want to be, but well on my way and all that is needed is a bit more mindfulness and a bit less, bum's-rush-I-want-to-go-to-bed entries here. My true love is sleeping peacefully next to me, my benedryl is taking over and now I am off to bed. I feel better about my progress than I have for days, weeks even. Goodnight!

These ladies atop these columns always remind me of the poem in the Kate Greenaway book I had as a girl, the one about the four sisters that lived in a tower in the middle os the sea, and they kept watch in the four directions, North, South, East and West. Though in the book the sisters faced outwards and there were only four. 

Day Seventy-One, Happy Birthday On Monday Night!

Primo and I spent the day tucked into our cozy little house, TR and I started him off with presents and birthday cheer. He said he wanted to spend his birthday doing nothing, so that's what he did.

I did almost nothing, though I did make a list ( which is somewhere not near me at all right now) and the only thing I failed to accomplish on my list is folding laundry, but the great thing about laundry is that it will wait for you for as long as it takes to get to it! The re-fi seems to be going well, I have made appointments to see the chiropractor and the hair dresser. I even argued with a ridiculous customer service representative from our long distance phone service. I finished cleaning up from dinner (TR did most of the cleanup last night, I can't take credit where it isn't due!) and I hung out with my boy on his birthday. All in all a good day.

I feel  have definitely lost momentum, even with this blog, I am slowing down and often feel I have nothing to write about and nothing to say. Partially because I am always writing when I am tired and I just want to go to bed, but also because I'm on auto pilot, cruising along and not really paying attention. So here's my plan; tomorrow I am going to re-read all the entries, I will make a list of things I have resolved to do, note the ones I have not done and see if I can get them done.

On that note, I'm out, goodnight!

Angel Island, sailing trip with Primo and Prima

Day Seventy, Sunday Night The-Night-Before-The-Birthday-Boy's-Birthday!

555 is the numbers of page views as of today, the seventieth entry of the blog so far. And that's all I have to say about that.

We spent the day preparing for Primo's friend RP to come over for dinner. Cleaning the house from top to bottom (mostly) we dusted, swept, scrubbed, vacuumed, sorted and the house is fairly gleaming with the attention. It was very satisfying to clean all together, I felt like I was part of a team instead of begging for help. We got the job done in about three hours, and then TR and I went to get supplies for dinner. Even that was pleasant, regardless of crazy, overcrowded conditions at the grocery stores we went to. Somehow it felt harmonious and rewarding, when we were done our friends came over and we had a lovely dinner. It was a great day.

Tonight will be a short entry because I have to wrap Primo's presents. You would think, knowing this day was coming, I would be prepared. But I must say I am always wrapping at the last minute! So until tomorrow, goodnight!

Many good fortunes!

Day Sixty-Nine, Another Saturday Night And I Ain't Got Nobody ( That's Not True, I Really Do!)

We celebrated Primo's birthday today, with the first birthday 'party' he's had in nearly four years. Sadly I can't actually remember how many years it has been since he has had a birthday party. Having a birthday near Thanksgiving has proven to make planning birthday parties rather difficult as most people are out of town either the weekend before or after his birthday. One year, we had his party in March, because I couldn't throw one for Prima if I hadn't thrown one for Primo, and hers was quickly approaching.

It was a very low key affair, TR and I took Primo, SP and RS to The City to explore Japan Center on their own (we kept an eye from a distance). We had lunch and birthday crepes and each boy was given a sum to spend as he wished, they all chose to purchase wicked looking knives ( I did call RS and SP's parents to get permission) and were pleased as punch with their acquisitions. When we returned home, they stayed for a pizza dinner and then they watched a movie with Prima and FM. Primo proclaimed it the best birthday party he has ever had, and I am so glad that he wast so pleased with it, it was definitely time for him to be celebrated!

I find myself back in the same place as ever, a million ideas spinning around in my head and the abysmal feeling that there isn't time or money enough to get everything done. It seems to send me into panic mode and I become even more still, which makes me accomplish less and the spiral grows on itself. I haven't made a daily task list for some time. Monday will be the day to start again, it did seem to push me forward, while making it I will try to remember all the things I have noticed about myself and getting reaching my goals. Maybe I'll even go so far as to read through the blog and take some notes to help me be as successful as I can be. It seems that as I came to the end of the official time off, I stopped thinking about what I wanted to get done each day. Time to get back on track. Monday morning, two goals will be ( besides wishing my boy Many Happy Returns of the Day) 1. Get running shoes and start the C25K thing I have been avoiding, and 2. Look up the mediation course I want to take and sign up.

TR is tuckered out so it's lights out for me too! Goodnight : )

Dandelion's cousin

Day Sixty-Eight, Friday Morning To Friday Night (Now Saturday Morning)

I am sitting under the weight of my finances, which...

I started this seemingly ages ago, but in reality only this morning, now it's 11:40pm and it seems that I have lived several days inside of this one day. Simultaneously it feels as if I have done nothing all day long, the truth must lie somewhere in between.

I did go as the adult for SP at sort of a Thanksgiving Open House at his school, it was really fun and he goes to an amazing school, I was glad to be able to see him there and to be able to be the kind of community I believe children need. I did clear up the financial issue that was oppressing me this morning. I did pick up all of the people (today's count was 6) that I was responsible for picking up and delivering to their destinations. I did make sure dinner was ready to be cooked and helped cook part before taking Prima to her school event. I did take Prima to the barn (with TR's company) and wait while she rode for a while. I did require Prima to go to the school function she did not want to go to (that comes out sounding pretty horrid, it was a function of her school-within-the-school, and she has missed a lot of these events and actual classes so far this year, it was not just a dance or something like that). I did go pick her up at 11:30pm and not force her to spend the night (it was an overnight event). So it has been a busy day, but there was time to sit on the sofa and eat lunch so it wasn't completely full, it only felt like it.

The rain has faded into soggy sidewalks and cold grey skies, the kind that bring along terrific headaches for me. I have felt as if my head were in a vice all day, but it will pass as all things do. I am feeling the weather turning, my general outlook is bleaker than usual, and it is harder to laugh than it is when the sun is shining down on me.

Oh my goodness, I am so tired, parenting has worn me to a nub, I must go to sleep to replenish! Goodnight!

Vine covered cottage

Day Sixty-Seven, Thursday Night

Another rainy day, another day of feeling chilly and a bringing with it, ennui brought about by grey skies and the endless drone of rain on the skylights, on the roof of the car, on pools formed by overwhelmed storm drains, but not for long.Time, indeed, stands still for no man or woman and my boy will be fourteen oh so soon. I have procured some small birthday presents for him, this year he says he really wants nothing but has made a modest list at my request, so I have obtained the small items he has asked for, and now I must wrap them before his birthday.

I did also volunteer in Primo's classroom again today, I assisted with a cooking project, the kids made a kale salad with apples and pomegranate seeds. It was delicious and the kids (mostly) liked it. I also managed to make it to the grocery store and pick up supplies for dinner, and we have had night three-in-a-row of dinner at home. It may seem a foolish triumph but eating out is absolutely one of my biggest weaknesses, and tonight, even though I felt there wasn't enough time, I made dinner anyway. And everyone liked it! Other than that, no huge accomplishments, finding comfort and guidance from my sisters and now my own true love has fallen asleep on the sofa, so I am off to bed. Goodnight!

rain, rain....

Day Sixty-Six, The Blah's on a Rainy, Wednesday Evening

If all had gone according to plan, this blog would have been over Monday night, here it is Wednesday, I am apparently and blissfully free. But I do have the blah's, I am not in the doldrums as before, I am just restless and stir-crazy. It has been raining all day, I know we need the rain, it has been so dry and everything in the garden looks wilted or brittle and I don't even spend that much time outside when it's sunny and beautiful. Still, somehow I feel pent up and itchy in my skin from being inside and slightly chilly all day. I haven't really accomplished anything, parenting conversations with TR, knitting a bit on a sweater, catching up on email, making sure all the bills that are due have been paid. Nothing to feel proud of that shows any efforts of the day. Oh well, there is always tomorrow.

I have started this early enough that I don't have to rush off to sleep, but what oh what do I have to write about? The state of the world and my thoughts and feelings about that? Nah, too deep and too much energy. How marvelous my children are and how sweet my husband is? Aaarrgghhh, when I have the blah's I don't have a writing brain. I have a stewing, brewing, fretting, fussing brain. Mulling over what hasn't been done, not depressed, not anxious or even troubled more like purgatory, in-between and not dissatisfied but not satisfied either.

I could talk a bit about Mr. Nibs, the fabulous Boston Terrier. He is the funniest dog, he always wants to play and will pick up the sorriest scrap of torn up toy and bring it over hopefully, pressing it against your hand again and again to encourage you to play tug-o-war with him. It seems to have developed that whenever we have guests over the dogs tear around the house like wild things, barking and dashing, willy nilly, back and forth across the house. I don't know what made them start doing that, but truly, every time someone comes over, about two minutes after they get here the dogs are tearing it up. That Mr. Nibs has the cutest face and he always seems to be looking at you so earnestly.

Okay I ran out of steam with that! I have nothing more now, I will check in before bedtime maybe the winds will have shifted by then.

Nope, still nothing, goodnight!

Snow on Mt. Diablo