Day Seventy-Two, Tuesday Night at the Reflection Pool

I did go back and start reading through this blog today and I found out some interesting things. Firstly I noticed that my lists were a combination of major tasks, things that would take more than one day to complete and routine tasks, things that I have to do on a regular basis, and can take anywhere from 5 minutes to 5 hours. The Major Tasks tended to be things that I have dreamt of doing but somehow never got around to. After doing them I felt great but now that some time has gone by those accomplishments have faded into the background and I hardly remember what life was like before I completed them. These include:
having the piano moved
packing up and actually making at least three trips to the Donation Station with at least 10 bags each time
moving out the small couch
moving out the sideboard
reorganizing and de-cluttering the living room (so much that as I read through the blog and came across the task of cleaning up and around the craft shelf in the living room, I didn't remember what the craft shelf was)
moving craft shelf out of living room
getting rid of the OBC
organizing the kitchen drawers (so the clutter on the counter had somewhere to live, tidily)

I have also painted the kitchen, dining room and bathroom (thanks to Mamma for that motivation and company!), dug out the back patio with Primo, made a baby blanket in two hours, volunteered at both kid's schools, started making breakfast regularly for my family, kept the living room clean, on Sunday last, with TR's help de-cluttered the kitchen window and top of the china cabinet in the dining room.

I have ben far more productive than I feel I have been. I'm not sure what makes me remember my activities in such a dismissive light, but I really do. Somehow I never see my actions as important or noticeable. I feel my writing is mediocre, my art and crafts are fair to middling, my housekeeping skills are laughable, this is how I view myself. But when I look at what I have recorded it looks very different to me. If I read this as someone else's blog, I would be impressed with what they have done, I would be a little envious that I wasn't doing the same. So why do I see myself with such harsh filters? I feel embarrassed even saying this out loud, here in the blog. Almost as if some great face in the sky will suddenly show itself, laughing and mocking me, belittling my thoughts and efforts. It is almost as if I am invisible to myself, or at least, am trying to be invisible. But one of the most common threads in the blog is how much I want to be vibrant, active and alive. So why am I constantly undermining myself? A question that may deserve more thought than an evening's entry in a blog.

What I noticed that I didn't accomplish is this:
make raspberry curd (I have the berries!)
make or finish ANY bears
get shelves for the basement
(the following I didn't come across while re-reading, I just know I swore to do them and haven't)
Buy running shoes and start C25K
start writing a book
organize/fix up the cottage
look into/sign up for mediation training

The things I let go of seem to have the common theme of being either something entirely for me or something that will benefit me more than other family members. Another pattern that would seem to warrant further investigation.

So today I am going to record my list, check in about the successes and failures and try to keep recording in real time what I am accomplishing. Otherwise those accomplishments fall by the wayside and I end up feeling like a complete failure.

Today's Tasks:

• fold laundry (I got most of it folded, I will attempt to finish tomorrow)
• call ACL re:Thursday's plans (I texted JCL and everything is set)
• ebay listing
• blog re-read
• wash laundry (oh right, I DID fold the laundry from the first item, I forgot I washed three more loads and folded most of them but not all)
• iron
• pay bills

So I didn't list anything on eBay, thoughI have several items picked out to photograph and list. I also bought a scale so I can print out shipping labels and mail from my mailbox instead of having to go to the Post Office. Hopefully that will be done tomorrow. I did start re-reading as I mentioned, and I will continue that in the days to come. I did iron my shirts, which is a monumental task for me as I am terrible at ironing! I did not pay bills, I found out that our re-fi was funded so the bill I thought was due, is not so I can chalk that up on tomorrow's list. I don't think anything else is late as of yet.

What I did today that wasn't on the list was:

• take Prima to Ikea to get new curtains for the doorway between her room and the living room
• bought presents for people that needed a present
• bought a new pair of pants for myself ( something I have been meaning to do for some time)
• picked up the CSA box 

Of course then there is all the stuff that is always in one's day that is not given a second thought, dishes, sweeping, wiping counters down, washing sinks out, all those little, time consuming tasks that are never noticed unless they are NOT done.

So busy, productive, still not at the top of where I want to be, but well on my way and all that is needed is a bit more mindfulness and a bit less, bum's-rush-I-want-to-go-to-bed entries here. My true love is sleeping peacefully next to me, my benedryl is taking over and now I am off to bed. I feel better about my progress than I have for days, weeks even. Goodnight!

These ladies atop these columns always remind me of the poem in the Kate Greenaway book I had as a girl, the one about the four sisters that lived in a tower in the middle os the sea, and they kept watch in the four directions, North, South, East and West. Though in the book the sisters faced outwards and there were only four.