Day One Hundred and Two, Merry Christmas To You on Thursday Night

Christmas has gone through many metamorphoses since I remember them occurring. As a child the anticipation of gifts and sweets kept me up, adrenaline pumping through my body as I imagined all that I might find in the morning.Waking up after what must have been 45 minutes of sleep, running down stairs at full speed and, digging into stockings with my sisters then the waiting for presents until after breakfast. When we were little and Santa was still presented as fact I didn't realize that G'ma and G'mpa sent a huge box of packages every year, but as I got older that big brown box carried the excitement in it. They wrapped bunches of gifts, large and small and we loved digging through, picking out the packages and tearing the paper off to discover the treasure side. One year we all received gifts from a museum store, I got an amazing, intricately carved walnut that came on a tiny stand, made especially for it. Another year I was the recipient of antique garnet jewelry. One year we all got matching Norwegian sweaters. They were very creative with the gifts they gave and our lives were so sparse that we loved everything they sent us.

As I got older Christmas lost some of the pageantry, I became disillusioned by the family politics that I grew aware of and as I felt more and more disconnected from the acting Grandparents we celebrated with, I stopped going to family celebrations and looked outside for company on Christmas. These celebrations were often parties at a friend or acquaintance's house with tons of other unattached people, drinking, dancing, staying up way too late and heading home alone wondering what it was all about. It took a lot of the magic of Christmas away and I stopped really looking forward to it. When TR and I started dating, Christmas took on a different look, dinners were often ordered and we stayed at home with his mom and brother, it was very low key. The farther I got form my childhood, the plainer Christmas got until one year we didn't get a tree at all and hardly noticed it pass. The next year TR surprised me with a fully decorated tree when I got home from work and we started making traditions of our own in earnest. We gave each other thoughtfully selected gifts, we tried to visit with both of our families and then Prima happened to us and Christmas once again became the magical time of year I remembered from my childhood. We have had many wonderful Christmas celebrations together, sometimes here at our house, sometimes far away (once with G'ma and G'mpa in Hawaii, the last we celebrated with G'mpa before he passed away) before children, after children with ALL the cousins piled in along with the aunties and uncles. It is a time of togetherness and celebration of the family we have carefully and intentionally built together.

Today was another in that long line of Christmases. The kids are old enough now that we were awake before them, but they still crept into our room and into bed for a snuggle, they opened stockings together and then waited until after breakfast for opening presents. Primo was "Santa" and handed out presents until he decided to open and enjoy his gifts. Everyone seemed content with the gifts they received and were happy with the reception of the gifts they gave (TR gave me a present that made me cry when I opened it, a set of barrettes like ones I had in 8th grade that I have always wanted again but finally gave up looking for because they didn't seem to be ANYWHERE out there).Mamma, WJRY and CC came over for dinner and we all hung out together, just enjoying each other's company. It was a good day and now everyone is off doing something quiet getting ready for bed. In ending tonight I will say "Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight!"

Merry Christmas

One Hundred and One Days, Not Dalmatians on Christmas Eve (Which Happens To Be Wednesday Night)

TR and I were up with the sun, not really but it sounds more romantic that way. We were up early and scooted out o the house so we could get our errands done early and have plenty of time to prepare for our dinner engagement. On the way to Target (no Christmas errands would be complete without a trip to Target!), we passed a terrible car accident, and I was struck by the though of how quickly events can change your life from the regular, predictable everyday planned life you are living to something completely unplanned and hopefully avoided. We drove bit more carefully after that and I have to admit that everything was a teeny bit brighter in my day as I remained thankful for the plain, regular day I was having.

We did manage to get everything done and then some, presents are wrapped and set under the tree (the kids have given up on Santa several years ago, no more nights of hiding packages and sneaking down after bedtime to pit them under the tree), stockings are empty because children are still stubbornly awake. We had our traditional dinner at  the ACL's house and it was wonderful as usual. They have a guest from Haiti, who was (well he IS) a delightful young man that joined in all the fun and festivities as if he had been a part of it for years. While I would like to go on about the day, and evening, I am going to bed. I am so tired, I can't type anymore. It's taking me three times as long to write this with all the corrections I have to make. Goodnight!

Carrowmore, Co. Sligo, Ireland

One Hundred Days, Not Dresses on Tuesday Night

Day One Hundred, if asked I wouldn't have thought I would have made it so long with this. First of all because the intention was to keep it going as long as I was "on leave" which seems to have turned into a permanent thing, not that I'm complaining mind you. Second because I do tend to lose steam with things easily, I am embarrassed to say how far I have NOT gotten with the NaNoWriMo (I may have to go into that in another entry, but secretly I am hoping I will magically finish it and that will be my report.). But this has endured so far and who knows how much further it will go?

So What have I done in One Hundred Days? If I were the kind of person that planned ahead, I would have read back and noted all the accomplishments I had made in the last 3+ months. Alas I am not and as I have asked that question off the cuff, I will have to try to remember what has transpired since I began this blog. Well...I got rid of the blue car (TR please know that I know you have helped me with pretty much all of this stuff, and it is only in the interest of my horrible, bad typing that I don't mention you by name each time, Readers, please note that pretty much any big undertaking has been supported by TR and without him, I probably wouldn't have finished each thing.), I got rid of the sideboard, the small couch is out, the loans have been refinanced, kitchen, bathroom and dining room  painted, living room painting begun. I have sold stuff on eBay that I would have donated in the past. I have made jewelry, and a baby blanket. I have kept the house reasonably clean and kept organizing things as well as continuing to clean out stuff that has been a burden for years. I have ferried my children to and fro, met with teachers, volunteered at their schools. I have started a novel, gotten my hair cut and colored (the grey gets to me now and then!) twice. There are probably things I have forgotten but that's good for a start at least. So I have been busy and productive and this time has not been a waste, I have not been lazy and complacent and have spent more time moving towards my goals than I have in a long time.

Today I lunched with CC and we also went Christmas Shopping for our families. It was fun and I think I am almost completely done getting all my ducks in a row for the holidays. Except for a Christmas Card, I think it will be a New Year's card again! I have noticed that the number of cards arriving in the mail seems to be tied to the number of cards that have gone out the year before. Since we are working on year number 2 or 3 of not sending cards out, the number coming in is dwindling. How do I feel about that? Ask me tomorrow!

Now It is late and I am so tired, it's time for goodnight, so goodnight!

Villa in Sao Paulo

Day Ninety-Nine, Home Again, Home Again on Monday Night

Day Ninety-Nine and we are home, back in our own little house after driving willy nilly for two days, okay, that makes it sound more dramatic than it was. We actually left later in the afternoon than we planned. Leaving was so hard, we had to tear ourselves away and force ourselves down the road. With an overnight in Roseberg and driving quite the speed limit, we arrived home at 6:30pm. We were greeted with an orchid and a gift at our doorstep from RP. It seems her mother drove her all the way to our house to drop off gifts for us, and we weren't here. I wish we had been, that kind of gesture deserves a response in person.

Our trip down was uneventful, the weather was beautiful the traffic was light, the children were engrossed in their music or movies they brought along. It was pleasant enough but at some point on the road, all I want is to be home. The trip starts stretching out and I start hurrying as fast as I can to be home as quickly as possible.

We saw some beautiful scenery on the way and I discovered that trying to take scenic photos with one's phone camera while speeding down the road (I was the passenger!) is futile. There is almost no angle that doesn't include power lines, telephone poles or windshield wipers and by the time you have found a spot free of all obstacles, you are miles away from the scene you wanted to photograph. Oh well maybe I can learn to use photoshop and pretty them up.

We had to stop of at Mamma's and WJRY's to pick up the puppies, who seemed rather blasé about seeing us again. They warmed up after we got home, but it almost seemed as if they would rather stay there, at Winter Camp.

When we arrived home, the kids went immediately to their rooms and didn't come out again until TR and I went to bed, which was rather early, another side effect of long road trips these days is I get really worn out. Seems silly to be tired after sitting for eight hours, but there it is.

Now it is time for bed, and I am happy to be all snuggled down in my marshmallow bed with my own pillows and covers. Goodnight!

Alaskan bluebells

Day Ninety-Eight, Winding Down The Coast On Sunday Night

I did not intend for this blog to be a daily keeping of my moment to moment actions, nonetheless that seems to be what it has become. So I will have to see how it grows from here. Onward, forward...

We went to Brunch with HJ and lots of family, JY, CY and DY were there with their respective partners. LS, TD, ED and ID were present as well as Aunties, a cousin Dad's best friend RE and his wife. It was festive and fun, a chance for us all to visit one more time before we headed home. After the meal was over we lingered on the sidewalk, no one wanting the weekend to be over. We finally all pulled ourselves away and headed up to BC and Dad's to say goodbye. It took so long to go, none of us wanted it to end, it's always hard to let LS go, we cried a little bit when we finally had to say good bye for the last time. When we had absolutely no more excuses to stay, we piled into the car and headed home. The drive was uneventful, we made it about halfway home and when we just couldn't drive anymore, we stopped at a motel and tucked ourselves into bed, preparing for more driving tomorrow. And so with that, good night!

Childhood dreams

Day Ninety-Seven, In Which We Find Ourselves At A Wedding on Saturday Night

We slept in too late, being tired from staying up so late the night before. We finally, begrudgingly, left the warmth and comfort of our covers and headed out, happily, to meet up with LS, nieces and nephew for breakfast. We ate at a funny restaurant that had good coffee and hash browns but the rest was okay, just okay. Afterwards we went back to our hotel to plan the day, we decided to let the kids go to a movie while we went to help with Wedding Day Preparations. Everything went smoothly and the general mood was one of excitement and anticipation. The Twins were prepping in the kitchen, people were setting up the outside tents and finishing all the last minute details of food, and decorations.

Time slipped by quickly as it always does and before I knew it, I was dressed and headed back from the hotel to BC and Dad's to celebrate their marriage. It was a magical evening, the living room, where the ceremony took place, was decorated with lights and stars strung across the ceiling, it felt like sitting in a fairyland. Dad looked so handsome in his tuxedo, a beautiful vintage suit from the 1930's, the same one he wore when TR and I got married. BC was glowing in a black dress that looked so pretty on her, very elegant and sophisticated with an exquisite sheer lace detail across the front that was subtle but hinted at a bit of playfulness.

It was a musical ceremony, with singing all the way through, they sang songs to each other, to the audience and their vows were sung, it was a song that Dad wrote for the occasion. It was really beautiful, I cried most of the way through. It's not often one sits in a room enveloped in love, not just their love for each other but a community full of love for them. It was, I think, the best wedding I have ever been to. When the ceremony finished there was singing and dancing and food and drinks. It was lovely. People were happy to be there, they seemed happy to meet friends and family they hadn't met before. It was the kind of community gathering and celebration that I have always wanted to be a part of. Dad and BC made me feel so included, I felt as if I was truly wanted there, but the best part was that it felt like they truly wanted ALL if their family and friends there. It wasn't a pageant to show off their greatness, it was an occasion to bring together all their loved ones to share and celebrate that they found each other.

I was amazed and delighted that TR danced with me and my Aunties, with Prima and even J. I have never, ever seen him dance in public before. He was so handsome and seemed so happy, I loved it! Everyone danced even Prima, which really surprised me (though not more than TR dancing) and she told me that she really liked it, I am going to try to get her to do it some more. We sang songs to the Bride and Groom which was so fun, just an impromptu song, joined in by everyone who knew the songs. I loved it times two!

After the celebration wound down, we headed to Dick's for a late night burger. Having a hamburger late at night is one of my favorite things to do, we went with DY and LS and all the kiddos. Afterwards it was home to bed, and now we are at goodnight, so goodnight!

Stanley Park

Day Ninety-Six, Fantastic Friday Night

First a confession, we have been visiting with Dad and BC, helping (I want to call it that) prepare for the wedding and generally hanging out, and our hotel had such bad internet, I wasn't able to post anything on Friday or Saturday. I am going to proceed as if nothing had happened, relaying the day in real time as if I were writing it then but please forgive any errors in tense that may make it wonky and seem as if I have lost my place in time. Here goes:

A wonderful day all around, LS and the kids met us at our hotel early and when they arrived, laden with gifts, the kids couldn't wait so we got right down to business and opened presents. It was a festive affair, paper torn open, the oohs and ahhs when surprises were uncovered. The children all seemed satisfied with what they received but were excited to see how the recipients liked the gifts they gave. Afterwards we all went downstairs and had breakfast. The restaurant had a "breakfast bar" which was really a counter filled with bowls of berry compotes and whipped cream to put on pancakes. The kids loved it!

We went back to BC and Dad's to help with preparations, TR was at their house helping, while LS and I went a few doors down to J's house where LS and the kiddos were staying, and made cookies for the wedding. J's house was delightful, very homey and familiar, cozy and warm on a chilly-almost-winter's-day. When all was as done as it could be, we walked over to a restaurant where a family pre-wedding-dinner was taking place. That was a lot of fun. All of my siblings on my Dad's side were there and we all caught up with each other's lives, hugged, and held each other and generally enjoyed being together again. There were many friends and aunties and uncles, it was a joyous celebration.

We headed home for a well earned rest to be fresh and ready for the wedding day activities, so that leads me right into a good night, goodnight!

Tahoe corona

Day Ninety-Five, Visiting Our Family on Thursday Night

Welcome to the reader/viewer in the Ukraine, that's cool! I must admit it's a little thrilling to read about the new readers....sadness of all sadness, I wrote this post out and somehow lost it before it posted. With all the wedding bustle, I haven't had time to rewrite it and somehow it seems that was written has been written and is now in the ethereal world of nothingness and I should let it be.

Super recap so I don't forget some key things, I had a fabulous day with my family yesterday (I am amending the day after). A side trip to Portland complete with a trip to Voodoo Doughnuts, which delighted Prima. Being serenaded by our traveling minstrel, with the voice of an angel (assuming angels have sweet, melodic voices that are delightful to listen to) and reuniting with dearest and best beloved cousins, siblings, friends and family. It was a wonderful day and I wish I hadn't lost the post, but there it is.

Goodnight!

Koi, Valley of the Temples, Hawaii 

Day Ninety-Four, On The Road (Not By Jack Kerouac) on Wednesday Night

After a LONG day of driving, we have stopped at a motel and are tucked into a mostly completed room at Best Western along the way. It reminded me of the trip I took up this direction with Mamma, I trekked up to her house (a 2 1/2 hour drive from my house) packed her into the car and as we were backing out of the driveway, I realized I had forgotten my passport. We had to drive ALL the way back to my house, dig it up and start over again. A mistake I thought I would never make again. Still I found myself in the car with TR only two months ago exiting the freeway to the airport and realized, yes you guessed it, I had forgotten my passport. TR got me home to get it and back to the airport with time to spare, he is amazing! Today, all I forgot was my jacket, and I remembered that when we were just 5 minutes from the house, much better this time.

We stopped at Mamma and WJRY's house to drop off the doggies and take WRJY out for his birthday (mamma is on kid duty away from home this week). We had a lovely breakfast and lots of pleasant conversation and then petted our puppies good bye and away we went. This year it was an extremely uneventful trip through the mountains, not like the year we got snowed out going up and the car caught on fire on the way home (a story for another time). We made it over the mountains with a little rain, no traffic to speak of and are now recharging for the night to get ready for tomorrow's leg of the journey.

My mind is working faster than I can type, I have had several ideas I want to write about fly into and out of my head already, so I will tackle one and then see what happens.

The word journey makes me think of our forefathers (and mothers, let's not forget the women that trekked across this country alongside the men and in skirts to boot!) that struck out across this continent in the early days looking for riches, or freedom or just a place of their own to start a new life. The trips we take for granted now were epic journeys back then, adventures, explorations of the like that must be searched for now as so much of this planet has been tamed. Those brave souls packed up their belongings in wooden carts, covered by canvas (if covered at all) drawn by horses, with no Wal-Mart or Target to pick up anything if they forgot it. No place to easily replace torn or lost clothing. Everything had to be brought along and carefully cared for, and they travelled at a snail's pace compared to the way we jet back and forth, up and down side to side all over the face of the planet. I can't imagine how it felt to grind along all day with a caravan only to find an unknown river that couldn't be crossed or a chasm that was impassable. They must have been hardy souls, courageous and unwavering. As I fly over the mountains in my comfy automobile with music up front for the grown ups, movies in the back for the kids, GPS so we know the best, fastest route to get there I think how times have changed, what would they say if they could see how we traverse those mountains now?

The other thing that crossed my mind that I was able to grab before it escaped me was an event that happened today. While we were at Mamma and WJRY's, he and TR were talking about guitars and such, so the kids and I looked the the photo wall. Mamma has always had a photo wall, well since I was about 11, she has had one. G'ma and G'mpa had one down the stairs to their basement and I remember standing and the top of the stairs, walking down one step at a time looking at all my ancestors as they peered, stonily back at me. I loved seeing those faces that I belonged to but did not know, I loved seeing the smiles of the children that I only knew as adults and couldn't really imagine as children even though I was looking at their pictures. They were my family and as mysterious as they were, I belonged to them and they to me. SO there I was with my own two children, standing looking at photos with them. Some they recognized and they laughed and laughed at the differences between who they know now and what the pictures showed. It was a bit like a treasure hunt, looking at all the faces, trying to find ones they recognized, sorting out who belonged to which side of the family, seeing where the curly hair came from, seeing ancestors engaged in activities they didn't know their family enjoyed. I was swept back into my own experience at my grandparents' house and was touched by the connection I shared with my children and my mother and shocked by the realization that one day it would be my photo wall that my grandchildren stand in front of scrutinizing and translating into their belonging.

With that I am off to bed. We have an early morning, an errand to run before we go to Dad and BC's house, family to meet up with, so much to do and I need a good night's rest. Goodnight!

Puppies

Day Ninety-Three, Tucked In On Tuesday Night

Remember, week before last was it, when I wrote that Mr. D had finally written to me asking if we could check in by the end of last week? Is anyone really surprised that the only thing I have heard since that text is....crickets? No? I didn't think so. Not that I have been waiting with bated breath, quite the contrary, I have been hoping he won't ask me if I want to come back. As I have said before, the farther I am from the day I left, the less I want to go back, maybe I should just put it all to rest and tell him so.

Now we are all prepared to go and celebrate my Dad's marriage to his wonderful fiancée. Everything has been battened down for a few days of emptiness, all of the neighbors have been alerted to keep an eye on things, our camera system is up and watching everything (it's kind of a funny feeling as I walk up and down the stairs, a couple of times I caught myself staring at the camera because I knew it was watching me), so that's a relief. I finished up all my errands, the fridge is cleaned out the last dishes have been washed, we are READY! Kind of. I noticed that I was getting really tense and frustrated when I was packing and I think it's because even though I love traveling and having adventures, I hate leaving my house. Why? I do not know. I spend so much time complaining about this house and being fearful of something falling apart or breaking down I would think I'd be ecstatic to have a little time away. I guess I'm happier here than I think.

I am signing off, it's late and we have to get an EARLY start tomorrow, so until the next post, goodnight!

Sunset from the freeway (I wasn't driving!)

Day Ninety-Two, Well Beyond Eight Weeks on Monday Night

Welcome Ireland! In my usual routine of Carefully Examining The Stats, I noticed that there was one read (or view) in Ireland. A bit coincidental as I have been day dreaming about the cottage and hoping that we will be there again soon, maybe a spring trip. I was at a social gathering last weekend and all the people I spoke with about the cottage, volunteered to come over for a work party and help fix it up. That would be a dream come true, I really love that cottage, I can't imagine a nicer way to bring it back than to have the generous, loving help of friends. Also a funny aside, (as it appears we are starting that way tonight) the total page view number as of today, right now is 747. Makes me think of aeroplanes (I like that spelling!).

A funny productive, rainy day, full of lists and tasks carrying me ever closer to departing my beloved and hated little house. I made a master list and a daily list, which of course are downstairs and I don't completely remember what was on them. Things about getting ready to go to the wedding, sending an item I sold on eBay (a complete, separate thought just popped into my head which I must write down, I made $130 on eBay recently, that's almost 1/2 of what I made in two weeks at ex-work, food for thought surely) which had to be sent out before we left. paying bills and the like. I managed to pick up my pick up child (I was only responsible for my own girl today) and take her to do some christmas shopping. I even went with TR after picking him up and picked out a wedding present for DAY and BC. Oh yeah and christmas presents for TD and H (I don't know his last name!). It was generally a good day, TR finished setting up the cameras so we will be all set by the time we go. Prima finished her essay the she has to turn in before we leave. We finished decorating the christmas tree (yay!) and now everyone is either tucked into bed or headed there.

Prima told me a funny story about her english teacher today. He has always been fond of her and has celled her 'World Dominator' for the longest time, before she was ever in his class even. I sent an email to all her teachers letting them know that she would be out part of the week and the reason why. Mr. R wrote back "Yay Grandpa!" saying that it was fab that her grandfather was getting married. When she went into class he gave her a high five for the same reason and they chatted a bit about the whole thing, somehow it came up that her grandfather had been in a band, when he asked what band and she told him he was wowed! Apparently he loves that band and was excited that her own grandfather was in it. When she told me the story, she sparkled. She gets this glow when she tells a story that makes her really happy and the very corners of her mouth curl up in a particular way when she has that sparkly glow. I love, love, love watching her tell those kinds of stories.

Primo has suddenly turned into a young man (I know there was nothing sudden about it). Prima has been adverse to cuddles for so long, Poor Primo has been the resigned recipient of all the Mama Affection I have ever since Prima cut me off. Now I am completely cut off with nothing. No kisses goodnight, no more bedtime rituals involving more than "g'night mom" as they pass by me on their way to bed. No, he's not my baby anymore and it's kind of hard to remember to leave him alone. I must say he's been doing remarkably well with keeping all his school work together and taking things to the office for me so I don't have to go in. Now if I could only get him to do his laundry...

Okay, it's late (when isn't it late when I'm doing this?) and I am in full denial-about-leaving mode, so I should go to bed so I'm not too tired tomorrow and nap all day, believing I have nothing to do to prepare for our journey. Goodnight!

leaves on the pond

Day Ninety-One, In Which We Go To The Beach, Finish Tasks and Find Ourselves in Sunday Night

The luxury of sleeping in is one I experience rarely these days. My internal alarm seems to be set for 7:00am and it seems I never see the later hours of the morning from my bed. But today I wasn't up until 9:30 am and I felt like a princess. After I finally dragged myself out of bed, we finished up the installation from yesterday. I dropped the kids off at the shopping center so they could get their christmas shopping done before the wedding.

Today is Grandpa T's birthday, and every year we go to the beach to say hello and happy birthday, so today after our chores were done we piled into the car and trekked to my favorite beach. It was cloudy with sun peeking from behind the clouds as it was getting ready to set. High tide and a tempestuous sea, waves crashed against the hundreds of thousands tiny, pebbles that make up the beach. It sounded like music, the thump of the wave on the shore, then a moment of silence as if it were drawing in a breath and then the sound of the water sinking through the pegs, like thousands of tiny voices all singing in harmony for a brief moment. It was beautiful and I spent what seemed like an eternity listening to the ocean play it's concert. Sometimes foggy grey days at the beach are the best, the wind blows in and out, the waves crash at your feet, run away and then chase after you again. The birds fly low across the water, I can never tell if they are keeping their eyes open for dinner, or the air is easier to slice through close to that ocean's face. There were strings of pelicans stretched out from beak to tail, flying low. I kept expecting them to dip down and scoop up some water, but they never did. On a cloudy day there aren't many people at the beach, it's so private and secluded as if it's there just for you.We laughed and sang and danced and played until we were too cold, we had said our hellos, wished a Happy Birthday, so we tumbled back into the car and went to Seafood Dinner which is what we always do on Grandpa T's birthday. It was a wonderful trip with a wonderful dinner, we were all very happy.

Now, bedtime....goodnight!

Day at the beach

Day Ninety, Up Late On Saturday Night

12/13/14, I am not the first person to note that this is the last sequential date I will see in my life time. It's really not a big deal but at the same time, somehow it really is. I guess it marks the passage of time, I lived through most of my life without sequential dates happening and practically before I really thought about it, it's over. It also denotes the kind of occasion that happens rarely and it makes one realize that some, never see it in their lifetime, like comets that only pass every hundred and some odd years. If you see it once, that's probably going to be it, so with all of that in mind. I feel like I should the passage of an event I will not experience again.

What a day! Waking up exhausted (I stayed up way to late and am headed down that path right now) I found my happy, handsome husband up and ready to go, he was going to pick up a Christmas present for yours truly and asked if I wanted to come along (he had already told me what it was, he found it on eBay and didn't want to buy it if I didn't want it, I wanted it, though I didn't know it before he showed it to me.) We had a lovely morning together, we went to some specialty hardware stores after picking up the X-Mas Present and just generally hung out together. I do love spending time with that man!

We installed the cables for the video surveillence system we bought over a year ago, that felt like a major accomplishment as we have been procrastinating about installing them for...well...over a year! We actually just got most of it done and when we had the overcome the biggest obstacles with the installation, we switched over to putting up christmas lights outside, which we haven't done in, probably 10 years. It looks so festive with the twinkly lights up on the house, I do love christmas lights!

We managed to put a yummy dinner on the table and still have time to go see our friend KT perform with his choir. It was a beautiful concert and KT was fabulous, and seemed surprised and happy that we all came out. We finished out the evening with a trip to Fenton's and, exhausted, scooted back home and fell into bed. Now tucked in happy and cozy, it's time for bed, Goodnight!

to London

Day Eighty-Nine, Feelin' Fine on Friday Night

We weathered the storm yesterday, proving true that whether the weather be cold, or whether the weather be hot, we'll weather the weather whatever the weather, whether we like it or not! Whew!! That takes longer to write than to think. And weather we did, all battened down, hatches. against the torrents of rain that fell ceaselessly from a pewter grey sky. my feet were wet (mostly because whenever I did venture outside, I did so with bare feet) my shoes were wet (mostly because when I did wear shoes I wore ballet flats which don't keep rain out as much as absorb it) I felt damp into my bones. I read all kinds of snarky f**ebook comments about how wimpy we were because schools closed down in response to the storm warnings (I'm not sure but I think a warning is IN CASE something happens, not IT IS definitely going to happen.) and I spent more time than I should brooding about all the complaints and critical comment would be posted if the schools hadn't shut down and there WAS some storm related accident(s). But in the end the rain ceased to fall at some point today and the sun came out and made amazing, glorious clouds and people were smiling and driving like maniacs.

I had a funny non-productive day, I got some housekeeping things done, dishes, laundry halfway done. I booked a hotel room for the upcoming wedding and put LS and BC in touch. I did something else on the sort-of-list I made but I can't remember what it is. What I didn't do is go shopping (plus one) or write any more on the book (minus one) so as far as I can tell I am basically coming up even. I helped CW get a little ore ready for her 'soft-opening' and then I went to it, which was fun, but now it's almost 1:00 am and I can't even think straight anymore, so...you knew it was coming, goodnight!

Tokyo

Day Eighty-Eight, Rain All Through The Day Into Thursday Night

We lived through the "storm of the century" today, though when I read that moniker, I had to say that it doesn't sound very impressive when you consider the century is only 14 years old, and we haven't had very many storms. It reminds of the time when TR went on tour to Europe and he was snowed in at the airport. That storm was called The Storm Of The Century, but that was in the '90s so there were lots of storms that came before so it was an accomplishment to earn that status. I must (I must) say that in the following years there was always at least ONE storm that was dubbed 'the storm of the century', an honor easily won, easily lost.

We all stayed in the house, cozy and dry with our bonus day off, I was so happy to be snuggled up with my family and I even drove out, through the torrential rains, to pick up RP so she and Primo could hang out together. They worked on a gingerbread house together while Prima caught up on her TV shows and stayed in bed, snuggled up. TR worked from home and it was a fabulous day until bedtime  and now I am in a foul, crabby mood, so goodnight!

Carousel!

Day Eighty-Seven, Wednesday Night

There is a storm coming, the air is thick with it. The atmosphere so heavy with rain you can feel it on your face when you look skywards. The trees are restless, tossing with impatience at the storm's lazy entrance. Creatures must sense it coming, perhaps they can smell the heaviness on the air, no night sounds can be heard but the trees swaying wildly in their enthusiasm. the children are tucked away in bed, snug and safe dreaming whatever wonderful dreams they have, we are tucked in almost ready to sleep, but there is that restlessness in the air that comes before a storm, all that energy pent up just waiting to be let go.

Both children's schools have declared closures for tomorrow pending the storm. I find it interesting and wonder why, after all the tumultuous rainstorms I have dragged my children through to get to school, they are calling for a closure this time. I am not complaining, it was like an unexpected treasure, a night we didn't plan on that we got to stay up late together. To be relaxed about preparations for tomorrow, to just be together without anxiety about running out of time before we were finished with the evening. TR, Prima and I (Primo opted out as he is wont to do these days)went to get our 'Yule Tree' as ACL referred to it this year (I love that name since it makes me think of people I love) and we had a wonderful time at the christmas tree lot. I always think of the scene from "A Christmas Story" , it's so funny as the dad is haggling over the tree, the attendant gives the tree a good thump and a shake to show it's still fresh and when the camera pans down there is a wreath of needles on the ground. I admit I did thump and shake one of the trees tonight. Prima was allowed to pick the tree, which made her happy and it rained a little on the way home, TR and I dragged the soggy thing upstairs, wrestled it into it's stand and voila, we have a tree. Tomorrow, decorations!

I really didn't meant to stay up so late without writing earlier, now I am sleepy and want to turn in, but I feel a bit guilty because last night's entry was so abbreviated and I haven't been good about my daily writing on the NaNoWriMo. I am sadly behind, the last two times I have sat down to write, my internal critic was so loud, I kept going back and rewriting what I had, still hating it and rewriting it again. Feeling dejected after that, I skipped a couple of days because I convinced myself I had More Important Things To Do, and now I am standing behind a mountain of words I owe myself. That said, I think I better go to bed, I'm not sure any of us want to experience sleep writing! Goodnight!

Brazilian lizard, taken with my own camera!

Day Eighty-Six'd on a Tuesday Night

This serves as tonight's blog, I really have nothing to report, but I don't want to skip it altogether. Goodnight.

Irish wildflower, Derryhippo

Day Eighty-Five, Runaway Monday Turns Into Monday Night

I had such plans for today, but you know what they say about the best laid plans, well that's what happened to my day. I started the derailing by dropping Primo off at the regular carpool point with out double checking that the carpool was on. It wasn't. I had to drop off TR and Prima, zip back to grab Primo and rush him down to school. I think he was only a few minutes late, whew! I was heading home to attack my list and received a text from CW asking if I was free to help with her current project. I agreed to go help, ran home for a bit to clean out the fridge (number 1 on the day's list, there was some OLD sashimi in there, yech, stinky!), brush my teeth and I headed over to help out CW. I ended up there until it was time to pick up the High School crew, and that was the day changed. After I got Prima and company, I dropped all those kiddos off and Prima and I went grocery shopping and then went to lunch together, where Primo met us after his carpool dropped him off. After gobbling up some jalapeño pepper poppers, he scampered off to meet a friend. The rest of the day flowed along and now I am here, all fed and cuddled into my cozy little house watching Twin Peaks with the fam.

Once again I had so many thoughtful thoughts during the day and now that I sit here in a time of reflection, all those thoughts have skittered away like leaves before a playful breeze. Dancing, elusively, just a little out of reach. Where can they be? They seemed so Meaningful and Important while I was playing with them earlier, but now I can't see them clearly and it makes me wonder if perhaps those thoughts weren't Fleeting and Childish after all. I don't know. I do know that my energy on this journey has changed, I am still the same person, my moods still swing back and forth, discontent still nips at my heels, I am still over critical and lazy, but I am content and happy in a different way than before. I feel that the underlying current is one of happiness and enthusiasm with, and, for life. I think that working so hard for the last few years and watching my life really, really drift by, has made me more aware and conscious of time and how much I am enjoying just being in it.

I feel like this blog should be so much longer each day than it has been each day, but somehow it is sometimes short and sometimes long. Lately I have been able to say everything I need to say fairly concisely so this will be goodnight. Goodnight!

It doesn't look like the beach, but it is...

Day Eighty-Four, Sunny Sunday But Not At Night

It was a beautiful day, I am sure of it, I am pretty sure I saw sunbeams slanting through the french door in the dining area. The dogs may have been basking in it. surely they were if there were any sunbeams to be found. The weather was warm-ish and though the morning sky was grey, there was no rain at all that I was aware of. I finally went out of the house to take Prima to a concert that FM performed in. I was surprised at the number of people I knew performing in the concert, current students from ex-work, a former teacher, the daughter of an old friend, it was funny to see how many people from different walks of my life were there, performing.

We sang so much when I was growing up, in the car around the house, out on walks. In the Great North everyone seemed to have a little house somewhere on their land, when we kids had overnights in them, we would sing all night long, silly songs, country songs, folk songs, rounds, madrigals(?), pop, you name it, we sang it. It never occurred to me that people that weren't related gathered to sing together. I mean outside of bands, which I was familiar with, not being raised by wolves as far I as I remember. Watching those kids sing tonight, I realize that most of them didn't make that first choice, their parents did. And that was as far as I went with that. I did entertain the thought of enrolling Prima, and when we got home I told her I thought we should sign her up, and she argued it down.

I don't have a lot to reflect on today, I have been plagued by severe allergies all day. I don't know what I am allergic to and my head is so stuffy, nose stopped up, I can't breathe through my nose, my eyes itch and I cannot figure out what I am allergic to. As of now all I can think of is benedryl and bedtime. Goodnight!

Late night visitor on the lanai

Day Eighty-Three, Sassy on a Saturday Night

I'm not sassy, that's not what I'm saying, it's everybody else. No, no I jest, I just thought all the words in the title went well together. Really everyone is tucked into bed as I write this, and seeing as I slept through most of the last show we watched together, as a family, I guess I'm ready for bed too. First I must catalog a few things.

First, I have noticed the TR and I tend to put off projects we really need to get done for things that should get done but don't have to take a priority. Why is that? I do not know, probably because we fear that they will prove too difficult or take too long, so we refocus our attention to things that we believe we can accomplish more easily, even if they don't have as much impact on our lives. I have noticed that I am always ready to buy supplies for a project, though most of the time I don't complete that same project. Moving on, second, I was just telling a parent from ex-work that Mr. D hadn't contacted me about returning to work, and speak of the devil, Mr. D texted me as I was leaving the barn. Hmmm what does this mean? I suppose that I have a little more negotiating power, since I am not that interested in going back to what I left. I realized (some time ago during this 'leave' and again very strongly today) that I am very happy in my life. That I enjoy what I do and even though I feel guilty that I am not contributing enough, I am so grateful for the chance to explore what my life can be and what direction I want it to move in. Also for the chance to have ladies lunches, which I love.

Housekeeping accounting for the day: dishes, check, laundry, check, Mr. Dashell haircut, check, taking Primo to Tiffany's so he can buy his first girlfriend a christmas present (with his own money), check. It was a full day with enough time to sit and enjoy a little quiet time. We went to a Literary Arts reading, which was mandatory, and a little painful. Thank goodness Prima wasn't reading, she would have outshone all the other students with their strange angsty writing and they would have felt even worse than they seem to already. That is so mean, I shouldn't say that about them. I realized that the problem with their writing is that it is over-descriptive. There is so much flowery language, that I get lost in the first sentence after the sixteenth description.

Okay, I am driveling on, it is definitely time for bed. Goodnight!!!

Stumpy Joe

Day Eighty-Two, Feeling Nostalgic on Friday Night

I was scanning trough f**book before I started writing tonight, earlier I had been reading an article on the myths of detoxing to TR that one of my f**book friends had shared and we were finishing it up. I was sucked into the black hole of pithy posts as usual and found myself looking through the timeline(?) of one of the groups I belong to. I hung out with these people almost everyday for almost four years, we went to parties, shows, scooter events, and each other's houses, together. I went shopping with them, I even went to school with a few of them. As I scanned through the posts and photos, I noticed that I hardly ever show up. Granted I have never posted photos of my own and I suppose that most people share photos that show themselves. But several of the girls and guys show up in almost every photo. And it makes me wonder, if was I a bigger part of that group in my own mind.Were the friendships I forged and nurtured really not friendships at all? So I looked through another fb group, a crowd I hung out with leading up to the previously mentioned group. These were bosom buddies, folks that swore love and eternal friendship with each other and me. Once again I don't really show up nor is there any reference to me at all. I remember most of the people, I remember the faces and most of the events that are shown in the photos, but for all intents and purposes, I don't exist in either group. Now, I am not whining or feeling sorry for myself, really I am noticing a pattern I hadn't noticed before. Would it look the same if there were a group for the community I have been a part of for the last 12 years? Maybe I am just a person that fades into the background, maybe I am more an observer than a participant and so I show up differently. I wonder why I am invisible? Hmmm, invisibility is a theme that seems to run through my psyche over and over. In both cases I was invited by the creator of the group to be a member, they are closed/non-public groups and I was approached not the other way around. So to someone, somewhere I am visible, just not to the casual observer.

Okay, done with that! Today held a little laundry, some dishes, no cooking, lots of writing, I am about  350 words behind on my book, but I didn't really write at all yesterday so I wrote A LOT today. The story is coming along nicely, I am surprised at how fluidly it flows out when it's there. I must admit I spend quite a bit of time fidgeting with the story, until I hit on something and then it just rushes out. I think tomorrow I would like to try to spend some time with no time limit, just to see how far I get. Part of my obstacle is my inner voice constantly telling me that what I am doing is pointless, useless. No one will publish, let alone read the book and I am being vain and foolish spending so much time on it. Come to think of it that's what the voice said when I was trying to make jewelry and the teddy bears. Maybe it's time for that voice to be silenced, and I should just do what I am trying to do. Okay that's my new plan.

I was talking with LS today, for the longest time. sharing my recent parenting hurdles and how I handled them. I started griping about this acquaintance of mine that is a total taker. I don't think she has ever actively participated in our relationship where she wasn't asking me to do a favor for her. This woman was calling and texting me all day asking for this favor or that, did I have time to show her what was available in my studio, could I give her a ride? Much later in the day LS and I were (again) on the phone and she advised me to cut the acquaintance loose. I should just tell her I am no longer available to sell crafts, I am busy and can't give rides. The problem is that I don't feel justified in EVER saying no, so I acquiesce and add so much stress to my schedule and day that by the time I am done, I am ready to explode, while she has just had her life made easier. So LS tells me to let go and be good to myself, but the she has to run because she has to pick up a child for carpool, and as she is bitterly telling me bout her carpool nightmare I realize it is the same thing that I am going through. We laughed and agreed that we would extricate ourselves from these draining relationships and it occurred to me that (wait for it...) there is a pattern there. Something based on not feeling like we are allowed to set boundaries for ourselves. That we HAVE to meet everyone else's needs  even if it is to our own detriment.

And on that note, TR just went to bed, so I am off. Goodnight!

Woodland stars in B.C.

P.S. 600 page views as of tonight ; )

Day Eight-One, Thursday Night

Leftovers, well not really, I made bolognese a couple of nights ago and I made so much that we had it again on different noodles, if you will excuse the term, I believe it is called American Chop Suey. Elbow macaroni with sauce baked with cheese on top. It was yummy and it was nice to use up things we have in the house.

My parenting skills are being put to the test in the biggest way. Fortunately I have chosen an amazing and most excellent partner (I must put the disclaimer that I HATE it when people use the word partner to describe their romantic involvement. TR is my husband, my boyfriend, my true love and only in parenting he is my partner) to raise children with. His hopes, dreams and goals for our children are so similar to mine. I don't feel alone when parenting, I know that he will support me and I hope that he knows that I will support him. He is fair, loving and reminds me to stand my ground when I need to. I am so lucky in that respect. I remember on of my students from ages ago, whose parents were split on whether they were raising their child together. the dad told the mom it was her project and she was on her own. I am so, so glad that I am in this with someone who has my back. Anyway, I am watching my children grow up and it really is herd to let them grow up and away from you. Knowing that it must be so doesn't make it easier, but doing it with TR makes it bearable.

I have been writing on my NaNoWriMo for the past few days. I am amazed how once the story gets going, it just pours out. So many funny things have happened that I never would have foretold, and as I am telling the story details just appear out of my fingertips. I feel like an author.

I took Primo to get a suit to wear to a dance that RP invited him to, he hated shopping but endured it and we got a very handsome Ben Sherman suit. We got home, he put it all away and then came down and said the RP's teacher said he can't go to the dance because he isn't a student at her school. HE took it very well, I was not so graceful, making snide comments about the exclusivity of private school, then I had unkind thoughts about the dance that school hosted two years ago where kids came drunk and brought more vodka with them. PRIVATE school kids. Harrumph. I think Primo was a little relieved and sadly it sounds like RP is really sick, maybe it's best that the dance fell through.

Now it's time for bed, so goodnight!

View at Seven Churches, Inis Mór

Day Eighty, I Could Have Gone Around the World On Wednesday Night

Nothing to report but rain and more rain. I think I might start building an ark, or is it too late? Did I need to have it built before the incessant rain started? Oh well, perhaps I can climb to the top of a mountain and wait it out.

I did not write anything on the novel today, I didn't have enough time in a row to concentrate on it, so I will double up tomorrow and write two days in one. I don't have anything else scheduled so I should be able to get 'er done.

Tonight's entry really serves as a placeholder, to say I have done it, but as it was a singularly unproductive day I just don't have much to write about or to speculate on. Here's a list of the errand-y things I did: sent off an eBay package, dishes, lunched with the ladies, took both kids to the dentist, went to the chiropractor, picked up Prima's carpool group, dropped of the carpool kids, whew! I guess I did more than I realized. So I'm off to bed, goodnight!

Possibilities

Day Seventy-Nine, In Which We Examine A Few Things On Tuesday Night

A few days ago, TR mentioned that this blog is now inaccurately named. I toyed with the idea of renaming it but in the spirit of Douglas Adams and the Hitchhiker's Guide Trilogy, I will leave it as is, a reminder if, you will, of how it started. So that has been examined, onwards, upwards.

I ran into an ex-coworker at ex-work today (I was there as, I am every Tuesday, picking up the veggie box) and we got to chatting about my job and how it kind of faded away and how I felt about that. I feel free and content, I feel like I am in my own life and that all the Big Important Things I had to focus on are not so big and important after all. I often think of Antoine de Saint-Exupréy's comment in "The Little Prince" about grown ups asking about one's new friend and wanting to know how much money they make or what their profession is, and how the really important things get left behind, that's was ex-work was like. We spent so much time harrumphing over policies and events that truly had nothing to do with the really important part of the job, which was and is the children. Anyway as we sat chatting about how I was probably not returning, because Mr. D will never call, me this ex-coworker asked me if I WANTED to return. I gave her a pat answer and went off to think about it. And I think I do not want to go back. I miss part of the job, all the people of all ages that I love(ed) and being a part of something vibrant and alive. I miss creating a safe nurturing place where there otherwise wasn't and knowing that I am doing the best I can to move the WHOLE project forward. But I don't miss working myself to the bone and then being asked for a little more. I don't miss being told about a deadline after it has happened as if I had been responsible the whole time and then being left to clean up the mess when I am the most junior member of the office. No there are enough things I don't miss to make me very happy to live in my own cozy life, taking care of my family and my house and doing all the things that need to be done by me.So that's another thing examined, are there any more? I don't know.

Today was another rainy day and here's what I know about rain, it makes me want to sit under the covers and wait for the sun to come out. Which I didn't do all the way. TR worked from home so we made breakfast together, which he had to eat cold because he was on a phone meeting when it was ready. Mamma came for a visit, I made her some breakfast and we ate together while poor TR watched us and had a meeting on the phone. Mamma and I sat on the sofa and visited for a while until she had to go home, and then I puttered around, doing dishes, canceling our long distance phone service (they charged us over $1 per minute for phone calls to B.C., I'm not paying those prices anymore!) doing anything I could to avoid the 1000+ words I was slated to write today. Was the avoidance obvious? I felt like it was screaming out across the neighborhood "Hey look! She's not writing!!! It's only been one day and she's already fallen off the wagon!" But apparently not, because when I timidly, most casually mentioned to TR that I was meant to write for the NaNoWriMo, he offhandedly responded "oh yeah, are you going to do it?"

I did in fact get it done (yay!) and I discovered that while I feared that I would sit down and there would be nothing to write because I had written it all yesterday, there was in fact bunches to put down, and with even more detail than yesterday. I would have written for ages longer but I had put it off for so long, I ran up against the kid pick up time and had to run off to do that. When Primo came home (his group had the OTHER carpool driver) and I told him what I was doing, he said, "you're writing the story down!" which for some reason made me feel really pleased, and I am glad that after all the years of saying I would write this story down, I am. Hopefully I will make all the way to the end.

It's odd, since I have been writing regularly, I haven't had the same intense drive all day long to get things done. This may sound like a contradiction to what I have been writing all these weeks, and it feels like it may be hard to explain, but I'll try. Everyday, at the end of the day by writing this blog, I accomplish something that I thought I would have given up on long ago (like the second or third day in!). Before that I ached to have something to show for my time, some kind of voice or statement and instead of quenching that desire I coupled it with inactivity which left me feeling doubly unaccomplished. Now because I have been keeping track of what I have been up to, I have been actively doing more and writing this every day keeps me on task. Even though I haven't changed the world significantly, I have kept to my word, and I feel doubly accomplished. I have noticed that every little bit counts, when I am counting it, and now, even though it is itchy and uncomfortable because I am saying it out loud, I am counting.

I am off to bed, tomorrow will no doubt be another rainy day and I will have to work HARD to combat the call of the covers. Just kidding, I have a really full day tomorrow, and I am tired now, so goodnight!

B.C. rose

Day Seventy-Eight, Ed Sheeran on Monday Morning

I am starting this early today because we are going out to dinner for Primo's belated celebration and I don't want to miss tonight's entry. Especially after noting that if I allow myself wiggle room, I will wiggle right out of whatever it is altogether. Sitting with the bright sun at my back, listening to Ed Sheeran declare his love, his sorrow, his joys and disappointments, thinking about all the things I would like to do and regretting the person that I passed by in my youth (that is the person that I chose not to be even though I wish I had let her in). I am struck by my proclamations of stillness and inactivity and how much I wish I had listened to my spirit when I was young and passionate and how much the stillness still grips me even though I know, I KNOW I will regret it when I am older. So today I am going to start my own NaNoWriMO, even though I am a month behind the nation and  have no one to go to coffee shops with or bounce ideas or progress off of. I will attempt is anyway and this, right here is my public proclamation than I will write 50,000 words this month, even with all the birthdays that will happen, with my Dad and BC's wedding, with Christmas, there will be all that and 50,000 words of mine. Even if I only write on word 50,000 times. I am going to do this. But I might not let anyone read it. I am going to start right now and I will report back here on my progress later today.

Quick update before I get ready to go pick up kids, I wrote 1907 words today which is about 240 more that the target number for day one. Yay, I have at least started and I have been working through the nasty editor in my head. At one point as I was disparaging the story, and my writing skills, I reminded myself that I swore I would do this even if I wrote only one word 50,000 times and clearly I had written way more than one word, so far I was ahead of the game.

I keep re-reading that last bit, wanting to change it until I read the whole thing and remember why I wrote it that way. Is that a reminder to look at the whole picture, that fragments don't always stand on their own? I do not know, maybe.

I spent the morning until pick up writing my book. I still haven't obtained running shoes, and started C25K, nor have I gone for the massage I keep telling myself should go for because I can feel my shoulder seizing up and I know my fingers will go numb next. I haven't even been up to the cottage in weeks, let alone worked on fixing it up, or even measured the windows. There are so many things I have not done, but I HAVE started my book. I said I would do it and I have done. Besides that not much, picking up kids, a bit of grocery shopping, washing clean (yes, I did load the dishwasher, which was mostly full of clean dishes, with dirty dishes, drip yucky stuff all over the clean ones and have to wash the whole shebang again) dishes, and the like.

We went out for Primo's birthday celebration at the House of Prime Rib, which for some reason is his favorite celebratory restaurant. It is far more expensive than it should be, but it is definitely an experience all it's own and he loves it, so once a year, we go. It was the same as usual, lots of people waiting, blimps loaded with prime rib wheeled around by chefs, carving table side. Super enthusiastic staff except the hostess, who is always different and never friendly. It was lovely, we went with MR and SM who always go with us, and they seem to be doing really well. I swear they are the busiest people, but happy and fun to be with.

Now everyone is tucked in beddy-bye waiting for sweet dreams to visit them. TR and I have turned in earlier than usual because of a lousy night's sleep last night. Before I go I do want to say that Primo came to me this morning saying that he is really happy with his life and himself. The things he cited as bringing him to this state are, being on the U15 A lacrosse team, having good grades, taking his responsibilities seriously and his girlfriend. That made me really happy. Prima spent the afternoon with me singing along  to Ed Sheeran, her voice matches his so well, she sounds so beautiful when she sings, I hope she doesn't follow in my footsteps and put her head down when faced with something she really loves. She has told us before that she wants to be a singer, I hope she grabs on to that dream and holds onto it as hard as she can, to make it her own and to show herself that if that is who she is, that is who she is going to be. She has definitely inherited her father's gloriousness. They excel in all things they set their minds and hearts to.

Now I am off to bed, I have written more today than I ever have and I am empty. I need to recharge for tomorrow. There is another 1667 word goal! Goodnight : )

The smell of summer

Day Seventy-Seven, Sleepy Sunday Night

Another wet and soggy day, rain pouring down, it makes me so melancholy and blue, all I want to do is sit and sit and sit. Today all I did was drive the children places. I delivered Primo and RP to the movies, I delivered Prima to PMM's house for a hangout day and then headed back home. I made lunch and watched Donald Glover's "Wierdo" and then a documentary about Burt's Bees. A do nothing day all around.

I have noticed that the less I do, the less I want to do. The last few days have been very slow and I have been very sedentary, as each day passes I hope that the next day will bring more energy and movement. Then it comes and goes and I feel as still and motionless as the day before. If I sit and examine this, this is what I see: first it has been Thanksgiving break and everyone has been home, the house is full of people, the company I so desire when I am faced with daily housework and instead of driving me on to accomplish greater things, I sit and 'hang out', playing a video game, watching a useless television show, just watching what everyone else in the room is doing. But all in all not really doing anything of my own. I have a studio full to bursting with art supplies, jewelry making supplies, TWO sewing machines, more felted cashmere and wool than you can shake a stick at (what does that mean anyway?!?) I feel like my life is an atom with unknown potential to be unleashed when it is split open. So number one thing noticed, the more people present, the less I get done. Second is that I get stuck in a cycle of inactivity very easily. It seems that as soon as I give myself permission to sit and be still, I find an excuse to keep being still, telling myself, just like Toad in the Arnold Lobel books, tomorrow, tomorrow I will take care of that tomorrow  (is it telling I identify more with Toad, than Scarlett O'Hara?). The problem is that tomorrow comes and I am overwhelmed by the sheer volume of what I have to deal with now.

Okay, I am off, and since this is the FIRST entry I have missed since I started (I fell asleep last night before writing), I will say good day!

Mama's angel

Day Seventy-Six, (Almost Missed) Saturday Night

Tucked into bed at midnight thirty, I was settling down to sleep and was struck by the thought that I hadn't written anything for today. Actually the thought occurred to me as I was mulling over in my sleepy brain that I hadn't done anything at all today. And so that is what I have to report, nothing, I did nothing, I knit a bit, I supported Primo with his application essay, I tidied up the kitchen, but really nursed my headache for most of the day and sat on the blue chair for the rest of he day.

I am sure if it weren't so late, I could pull something out of my hat to write about, but all I can think about is how lovely it was all cozy under the covers with the lights out and gently drifting off to sleep, so I think I will turn in and try to come up with a full day to report on tomorrow. Goodnight!

Sweet Dreams by the silvery moon, even though it's more golden in this photo ; )

Day Seventy-Five, Warm and Cozy on a Rainy Friday Night

Not to sound like I am counting page views, because I know that they are cumulative so the number will obviously go up unless my three steadfast followers stop reading, but the number today is 576. Which I mention because it is the 75th entry today and at some point between when I checked last night and tonight, the number hit 575 and then one more. That sounds a bit silly when I re-read it, but my battery is low, I've no time, well battery really, to write, delete and start over!

An interesting day all around. Last night I was stricken with an intensely painful headache, rather suddenly. It was still present this morning and lasted most of the day, despite my taking medicine to relieve the pain, as well as decongestants, because it was definitely in and around my sinus. The right side. Regardless, I was feeling really poorly, headache, nausea, rapid pulse, it was horrible. TR was very productive, he has the maple backsplash for the maple counter all but done. I weeded a bit in the front yard while he was cutting out the backsplash. It felt good to be in the fresh air and sunshine. I think that sometimes the heater gets to me in the winter. I did the putter-y things that one does during the day, folded and put away laundry, made coffee, (TR made the breakfast) made lunch, did dishes, but beyond that and the weeding, I mostly sat very still hoping my headache would quiet down.

I find myself faced with a conundrum in parenting. I remember so clearly what it felt like to be a teen-ager, I understand my children and what they are struggling through. At the same time I can see the parenting I had at that age, what worked and what didn't work for me. Now I am navigating those waters, hoping to avoid the rocks that seemed so perilous to me and bring my children through without stranding them on those rocks. I know there is no easy answer, it is all temperament, compatibility, beliefs and objectives, so everyone's experience will be different and what works for one family might be a catastrophe for another family. I just hope beyond hope that by following my heart I am not abandoning my children and taking the easy way out. I hope beyond hope that I am providing the framework and support that will allow them to blossom to their full potential, whatever that may be.

So far I think (I must acknowledge that all parents I have come across so far, also think) that my children are exceptionally wonderful. I have come to realize that all parents want their children to be dazzling, and I am no exception, I only hope that I have sense enough to be dazzled by them for who they truly are, not who I would like to parade around in front of other people.

Which brings me back to the topic of two days ago, regarding the mystery of life and it's meaning. I have been pondering more on the subject, and I wonder, is it more important to play the game by the arbitrary rules that the majority follow? Or is it better to follow these rules as they carry one to their dreams and goals, but stray from that path if another direction takes one closer to joy and fulfillment? And how does one define that, by societal norms? If that is so, we would never have philosophy, thought up by those who looked at the world though slightly different filters and came up with something new. I am torn because I come from a family of dreamers and non-followers, but many of these family members have had a struggle of it, and I have come to appreciate that one must at least be able to relate to others on a common level and if one always believes oneself superior and holds oneself aloof, then it makes connecting with peers rather challenging. I want my children to be able to relate to peers with ease, while not losing sight of who they are. One of my favorite ECE teachers once said that the hardest job as a teacher and parent of young children is to teach them to live within society, while leaving their spirits intact.

Oh my goodness, my battery is about to give up, and I'm on a roll. Guess I'll have to roll on over and go to sleep and hope I can pick this up tomorrow. Goodnight!

Sunset from the hill above our house, taken by Primo on one of his walkabouts with RS and SP.

Day Seventy-Four, Happy Thanksgiving on Thursday Night

While thinking about what to write on Thanksgiving, I imagined I would write about something I was thankful for, or maybe a list, like 100 things I am thankful for, or share some heartwarming story about a wonderful part of my life. And maybe it will turn out that way, but I think I will just let it be what it will be.

Is it an accident that the birthdays of three people I love best in the world fall around Thanksgiving? This is such a time of celebration for us, and a great reminder of what I am truly thankful for in my life. Not just those whose birthdays fall in November but it reminds me of all the dear ones in my life and how much better my life is because of them. I am nestled in a cozy cocoon of family and friends that I am better for knowing. They ease the hard times and brighten the good times. They inspire and support and help me to grow and be the best person I can. Without them I would be a desert, desolate and dry. So there is something I am thankful for.

Thanksgiving is such a funny Holiday, I can remember as a child learning all about the Pilgrims and how they scraped by that first winter, almost not making it at all. How the Indians (as they were called back then) graciously and nobly helped the wretched pilgrims out, teaching them how to plant food so it would grow, sharing their knowledge with the outlanders to ensure their survival in that new world. We made handprint turkeys and sang "Over the River and Through the Woods", the only Thanksgiving song I ever learned. We gathered for the traditional Thanksgiving dinner, on some years being made to share a thankful moment from our lives (somehow I always choked on that one, even though it was obvious it was coming). Somehow at those dinners I always felt like an outsider, not really part of the family (that is a long, complicated story better told another time) but tolerated and allowed to tag along with those that were included. Things have changed so much, now we are told that that first Thanksgiving was not at all the way it was portrayed back then. I think I have read somewhere that it wasn't celebrated the way we celebrate now until well into the 1800s. We spend our celebration with the same friends we have spent it with for the last 10 years, a gathering of friends that meet a few times a year to share the love and friendship that has grown over the years.

Now, two hours later it is midnight and I am ready to turn in, my mind is still full of mighty ponderings and I am sure I will toss and turn while trying to work out the deeper functions of the universe. I am thankful for my family, my husband, my daughter, my son, my sisters and mother, my father and aunties and uncles, my grandparents, my great-grandparents, all the way back to the beginnings of life that changed and evolved eventually bringing me here, where I am now. I am thankful for my community, the friends that enrich my life, I am thankful and grateful to be alive on this planet, this wondrous, beautiful planet with mysteries untold. I am thankful for funny things like our dishwasher, washing machine and dryer. I am thankful for cozy warm covers on a marshmallow bed that keep me snug all night long. I am thankful to be me, living my life here and now with all the joys and sorrows it brings, thankful for life, thankful to be. Goodnight.

Dún Dúcathair, Inis Mór, Ireland

Day Seventy-Three, Wednesday Night Masquerading as Saturday

First down to business, the list (yes, I made a list again today!):

• 2:30 Dr. W (my hip/back has been hurting for nigh on a week now, time for professional help)
• 4:30 Hair Salon
• pay bills
• return/exchange TR's birthday pants
• bank business
• ebay photos/list

I did almost everything on the list, went to my appointments with the delightful and most appreciated company of TR, paid the bills, exchanged the pants, went to the bank and mailed off the necessary bank forms. I took photos of about half of the items I plan on listing on eBay and tomorrow, no, no, Friday I will list them. Or at least I plan on listing them. I also dusted our bedroom and started to order new registers for the heater vents, but I was sidetracked on that one and didn't finish it.

Besides all the task-y stuff I attempted today, it was a day of contemplation and discussion. I find myself more and more pondering the meaning of life and I don't mean in the trite, over philosophized way, wondering What is the Meaning of Life the Universe and Everything. Growing older brings me to a phase of life when I am experiencing the loss of loved ones due to old age, and occasionally illness. It really struck me when we were cleaning out G'ma and G'mpa's house that these people who had lived full, wonderful lives were reduced to the memories of those they left behind and all the stuff that remained in the house after they were gone. Now that stuff has been divided up and passed on to family members, further scattering the grandparents that once were living breathing people on this planet. And so I wonder what is the purpose, the memories we leave behind, the lives we connect to and impact? Our time here is so short and the footprints we leave behind fade as if washed off the shore by a wave, the first wave blurs us a bit but by the time the third or fourth wave laps against the sand we are erased and there is no trace left behind. The memories and stories of us fade away with the passing of each person that knew is until we are shadows behind the stars silently watching the planet that continues to grow and evolve without us.

Details about the lives of my relatives that have passed away will be forgotten in a few generations, photographs will remain of faces that no one remembers the names of. Even now as I look through old family photographs, I can name only a few from my grandparent's generation. My ponderance (my own word specially created for this occasion) is this: All the weight and importance we give to things, events, actions, accomplishments, what do they REALLY mean in the end? Is it more important to leave such a big legacy behind that one will be remembered, even if it is inaccurate, for many generations? Or should our energies be focused on living lives that satisfy us, no matter how small a footprint that leaves? All the wealth or possessions we amass during a lifetime, what does that really say about us, and does it even matter that it said anything about us at all? I think I need a little more time to formulate this question, because it makes sense in my head, but when I try to write it down, it falls apart like dropping a hand full of pebbles on a hard floor, skittering away and becoming nebulous.

It has happened again, I have taken benedryl for my awful allergies and I am falling asleep. TR said the nicest things to me about this blog today when I shared my dismay that these entries seem to have become rather short and automatic, so I shall take heart in his words of comfort and allow this to be what it is and say goodnight, goodnight!

A photo of an oak tree at Nottingham Castle, taken for Primo, who loves oak trees.