Take Two, Day Nine, Is This Really Where I am?

Today's agenda will be full of children, birthday preparations for friends, a little house cleaning and other housewife-y stuff. I want to get this down now as I have fallen sadly behind and I do want to keep up with this. As I mentioned on my return, it seems to be greatly beneficial to look at things outside of my own skull (this is a total non-sequitur but I never really though about the fact that I have my own skull. I mean obviously I have one but I have never really thought about how it's all spookily skull shaped under my face, hmmm), so even if this post is pithy and irrelevant I want to build back up to the habit of checking in daily.

I had an interesting talk with GD, and old family friend and BFF of Mama. She was relating how hard life was for her and her kids when she moved from one coast to the other, how things changed for her children, how uncertain and on the edge life was for them. I can completely relate to the way her kids felt, that happened to me every few years. Until we moved to the Bay Area, 6 years was the longest I had ever lived anywhere, and as hard as those 6 years were I clung to them after we left because it was what I knew best. Anyway as we were talking I realized ( as I do over and over again) that everyone is busy overcoming their burdens and obstacles, that from the outside things appear easier because when we are peering in from the outside those burdens aren't sitting on us. We only see the frosting, essentially. As a child it seemed that everything worked out easily for her and her kids, that had their own house, she wasn't dependent on a partner and subject to their whims. I had no idea that her children were angry and resentful about being moved from the home they knew to what was the scary unknown for them. But I should have been able to see that, I knew that feeling so well, I had been moved around so many times, life was so unstable and uncertain. Perhaps that's why I am so afraid that things will be unstable again. Perhaps that is why I am afraid to look my circumstances directly in the eye and see what they have to say for themselves. If I turn away I don't have to confront that fear, I can be like Scarlett O'Hara and save it for tomorrow. Then I don't have to deal with the fear at all, because tomorrow is always just a bit out of reach and out of reality.

Moving on...I declared sometime, early on, in this 8 Weeks blog that I was going to fix up the cottage, and then I walked out on that declaration. I want to go back to that, and think about what needs to be done, what I can do myself and what I need to hire someone to do.

What needs to be done:

• level whole cottage
• roof repaired/replaced 
• windows replaced
• floor repaired
• new carpet
• bathroom redone
• plumbing overhauled
• new deck (back)
• new deck (front)
• kitchen revitalized
• stove repaired
• paint
• new fridge
• new gutters

What I need a professional for:

• level whole cottage
• plumbing overhaul
• new carpet
• stove repaired
• floor repaired

What will get done faster with a professional, but I/we can do ourselves

• windows replaced
• roof repaired/replaced
• new deck (back)
• new deck (front)
• kitchen revitalized 

What I/we can do:

• paint
• new fridge
• new gutters
• bathroom redone

There is plenty I/we can do, I think we need to start with the leveling though, which we can do, by jacking it up and leveling it but I think it would be nice to have an engineer look at it and make sure it is done in a way that makes it structurally sound, not just band aided together. So I will check in with TR and see if he agrees we should start there and then we can start cleaning it out and get it ready for it's do-over!

And now I am off to go make some birthday presents, I am trying to be mindful of finances, as I have a ton of inventory to work with, I will make presents instead of buying them. And as it is only 9:43am, I will say good day instead of goodnight, so Good Day!

Maximum Occupancy met with the cashier and customer pictured, perhaps we should have waited outside!

Take Two, Day Eight, Back On Track?

Derailed, defeated, demoralized, d, d, d...I think there is a Dr. Seuss style verse in there somewhere, but I don't think I care to look for it. Now to organize thoughts and move forward.

Clothes, check. Books, che...I haven't finished the word check because I haven't moved the culled books out of the house yet. Mama came yesterday and just like the book said, if you let people sort through your discard pile, they will find things to keep. Yes, she did and I didn't stop her, the Tarzan books, the Wizard of Oz and the Chronicles of Narnia all went home with her. I am partly relieved not to have to say good bye to old friends, but part of me was looking forward to being strong and creating change in my life. So it's a stalemate.

Since the book effort, which was Monday, I haven't done much towards that tidying goal. I read more of the book, the end seems to be more philosophical approaches to life than an instruction manual, one of the bits of advice she gives seems pretty spot on. She says that it's good practice to greet your house when you return to it, to be mindful of what it promised for you, to say hello and thank it for a job well done. Now I personally do not believe that objects are alive per se, but I do believe that by treating some things as is they were alive it changes your attitude and energy towards, what? Well the object, your relationship with the object, your attitude towards your environment, possibly your perspective on yourself in your life, the Universe? Perhaps, perhaps that and more or less but it seems to be a logical sequence of thoughts to say that if you come home and are thankful and appreciative, you enter your home in a different state of being than if you come home and are bitter and dissatisfied. Your evening is probably going to be different, you may sleep differently, the energy around you will be different, it could be the difference between grinding your teeth in your sleep and being relaxed while you sleep. Sadly I haven't remembered to greet the house once since I have added that intent to my long list of intentions. I have gotten as far as reminding myself as I drive up Thornhll but that's the closest I have come. Maybe today I will remember.

I haven't tackled the papers yet, as I mentioned, I believe it's because I don't view them as all mine, but perhaps they are in a funny way. I have had the care and keeping of all of our paperwork in my hands for some time now. Perhaps I can make that call to "keep or chuck" (as I like to ask my children when I am helping them to clean out their spaces) by myself and keep pushing forward. I will try on Friday or Monday, as Thursday seems to be squashed full of busy-ness and the weekend is always a wash. Though TR and I agreed to spend this weekend n the cottage working to get it to a rentable state, which I know won't happen in one weekend, but it will never happen if we don't start it at all! Okay, I'm at the end, this is where I say goodnight!

Pizza box artwork by Primo (it's a rainbow)

Take Two, Day Seven, Melancholia

Not to harp on negative stuff, but I was floundering near the doldrums and now I am fully ensnared in their flaccid, sorrowful grip. Is it chemical? Environmental? Psychological? I do not know, and I may never. I suppose I must just muddle through it and hope I come through it, as I do every time. It's frustrating to feel so defeated and know that I'm not. Doldrums or not, I did clean house a bit, vacuumed the sofa (and plumped it up too), dusted a bit, vacuumed the living room and put away dishes. Thank goodness for LS who chatted with me the whole time, I say chatted but it was more like a deep and meaningful exploration of our lives and innermost selves, all while cleaning house. How Zen is that?

I spent a great deal of the weekend sitting still, we all know how that turns out for me, not well, but I did do the books and I think I'm stalled out on the papers because I don't see them as only mine. I haven't asked TR to completely jump into this with me yet, he did help with the books a bit.

This post was abandoned mid-write, Mama and WJRY came and took me out to lunch, we had a great time. I shall post as is and try for todays post, I have been woefully careless about keeping up with this. Perhaps that says something about having so much time that is unclaimed. Goodnight?

More secret cranes

Take Two, Skip a Few, Now We Are Six (Day Six That Is)

The weekend blissfully enfolded me into family busy-ness and cozy time and before I knew it days four and five had slipped right by me. I had every intention of writing every day, but found myself immersed in being with TR and the kids and somehow blogging took back seat.

So I have been kind of productive, my house does need to be vacuumed and dusted (I recently read a National Geographic article on mites and I am horrified of what my house looks like, microscopically) I still need to put the drying rack and Thomas' sweaters away. The couch needs a good plumping, but besides that things are in reasonable order.

Yesterday I tackled the book portion of my tidying endeavour and I discovered two major things; the first is that the majority of books in the house don't belong to me, and the second is that all the books I have are sentimental. I kept any book from my childhood and a few stories that I might not read regularly, but comfort me to have around (yes, it's Moomintroll and oddly enough Thorton W. Burgess, I love his stories!), all the books by or illustrated by Dorothy P. Lathrop ( I found one inscribed to my Great-Great Grandfather) things like that. Books that were moved out were the Tarzan books I had, series that I had from younger days that I will never read again and are readily available at the library. I packed up two boxes of books (with TR's help) and they are ready to take to the book sellers to offer for resale. Anything that is rejected goes to the Salvation Army.

That's all for now...hopefully I will have more tidying reports soon! Goodnight?

Pinehaven moon

Take Two, Day Three, Migrane City

A lost day, no, not lost, just given over to circumstances beyond my control. The headaches I get when the weather changes do not really respond to any pain relievers, I just have to wait them out. I woke up with one and it had diminished some by the time I was on my return trip from the morning drop off. It was such a marvellous (the dictionary says I can spell it this way, and this is the way I like to spell it, the double l's please me) ride home, a wintry haze hung like a veil in the air, making everything cold and bright. I ran my thoughts over everything I could do when I got home, work on teddy bears or the wedding blanket, I could practice my ukulele or go for a walk. I walked throughout the thoughts of all the possibilities the day might hold for me and when I got home, after I prepared myself some breakfast, I sat at the table, paying bills, reading friends blogs, talking to LS, until my headache was so bad that I couldn't bear it. I drew a hot, heavily lavender infused bath and tried to eradicate it that way. It helped for a bit and at that point I gave up on the day and decided to sit quietly and knit. Which I did, and watched a charming but silly show while knitting.  

I did manage to look up the-order-of-things-to-be-tidied in the tidying book. I wrote them down so that I have them handy for easy reference. Books are next on the list, I am hoping that sometime this weekend I will make it through that portion of the tidying task. I have decided that I will let go of the Tarzan books I have, they dredge up sad memories, even though I love the stories. I read the whole series by the time I was 11, and they were the best stories I had ever read up to then. But the books themselves make me think of how unwelcome I felt as a child and I think it's time to let that go.

LS and I agreed that in our endeavour we will add a category for craft and hobby materials. Those possessions will be really hard to let go of, I am so familiar with the emotions I have invested in my art/craft/hobby supplies, it will be tricky but I think we can do it. LS made great headway yesterday and I feel that together we can stand against the stasis we have felt trapped in for all this time. We can push through the barriers we have created and find the growth and change we have been looking for, for so long.

I am going to bed now, goodnight!

De Young with heron and urn

Take Two, Day Two, In Which We Examine the Success With Clothes

I told LS I wouldn't blog tonight, but I found myself a little disappointed at not taking stock of the day's activities and today I felt so comforted after writing last night that I have decided to go ahead and say a little something anyway (sorry LS, you know I love you!).

So as reported yesterday my plan was to implement the first step in the KonMari method of clearing out one's life, and that's exactly what I did. As soon as I dropped off the kids and TR, I raced home (with a quick detour to the cleaners, I finally dropped off the shirt that had beer spilled on it at the wedding) and pulled out all my clothes from every nook and cranny I could think of, spread them out on my bed and sorted my heart out. I tried picking up each item, handling it and seeing if it gave me a spark of joy, as the book directed. It didn't happen exactly as I thought it would, the first thing I noticed was that with many items, I had made my mind up before I even touched the article, it seemed to happen especially with the shoes. I made myself slow down and consider each item that I was holding. I think I got rid of a fair amount, especially considering that I have just cleaned out my clothes about a month ago.

I found that if I replaced the 'does it spark joy in you' with truthfully considering how I felt wearing the article in my hands, I was more likely to put it in the discard pile. So many things I own(ed)were kept because I felt obligated to keep them or I hoped I would change my physical body and it would fit better or be more comfortable. I was very mindful to let myself be thankful for the job the article had done for me, if it was something I bought on a vacation, I fondly recalled the memory and was thankful for that trip, if it was a gift, I appreciated the person that gave to to me. The author was spot on (for me at least) that by acknowledging the part in my life each item had played, it was easier to let it go and become someone else's happiness. I will confess that several items remain that I know I will never wear again, but the emotional tie is strong enough that I am still honoring that (like the hand painted tank top G'mpa bought me on one of my last visits with him before he died).

Here are the before and after photos:

All the clothes

and the shoes

ready to donate!

sweaters to felt

All done, ready to be put away

The biggest change and accomplishment wasn't that I cleaned out the clothes, it was that I didn't put the bags by the door to deal with on another day, I took everything out right away. I swung by the consignment store first and they took, pretty much nothing, as usual. Then the rest went to Salvation Army and I can't change my mind now. It feels kind of liberating for the things to be gone and I cannot wimble at all about it.

I think the hardest things to part with were the sweaters, every one I picked up I told myself I might wear it, if the weather changed, if I lost weight, if I became someone else. I finally decided that anything stained or torn was out. That took care of a fair number, I seem to have kept tons of sweaters with stains on the cuffs. So off they went. I am down to one drawer and two shelves in the hanging storage thing I have.

The saddest part of the effort is that you can't tell anything has changed when you walk into the room. It's all about the inside, hidden parts that no one looks at. There's a metaphor in there somewhere, I'll have to put that in tomorrow's post.

Anyway I have pared down and tomorrow's endeavor will be to finish the book, write down the order of clearing out she suggests and I'm going to see the new baby!  That's it for now, goodnight.

Japanese Tea Garden GG Park

Back to Day One, Re-set on January 14th 2015

Aaaannnd we're back!

I have been remiss in keeping up with this blog, I don't know what happened exactly. I was surprised that I managed to keep it going until the day after Christmas and if I weren't quite so lazy, or complacent if you will, I would know exactly how many days it has been since I left work and started my own business, taking care of my life. Which pays less but gives more satisfaction, generally. I feel I must confess that I totally fell off the wagon when I stopped blogging, not only did I give myself permission to relax my vigilance around accomplishing daily tasks, I fell back into a mild depression and noticed how much the two things feed off of each other. The less active I am in my daily life, the more dissatisfied I become and in turn I become even more paralyzed. In re-reading the beginning of this I will say that I believe that I stopped writing because I allowed myself to 'have a vacation' and it did me absolutely no good. In addition to becoming unproductive and depressed, I found that writing daily gave me a sense of mental peace that I don't find without the release of writing. So I am back, for better or for worse, for everyday or not, I think it best if I keep this going.

So my goal of the moment: I read a book called like "the life-changing magic of tidying up" ( okay, I have a couple of chapters left, but I am mostly done and I am rarin' to go!) and the author presents a method of clearing out and cleaning up that seems feasible for me. I am really excited to start it and I have worked out a fabulous plan with LS. We will both start the KonMari method together and keep track of our progress via blog (I toyed with the idea of starting a new blog just for the occasion but decided that it would be better to just keep going where I am, less housekeeping overall). We have decided to jump right in and start tomorrow and she is so good, she wrote down her intent and sent me the link to her blog right away. I, in my usual fashion, kept busy all day (ok, it's not my usual fashion to keep busy all day) and thought about what I would write, put it off and am doing it now, late(ish) at night.

So here is my intent, tomorrow we start, the instructions say to start with your own stuff first, and within that to start with clothes first. So tomorrow when I get home from drop off, I will gather all my clothes from everywhere in the house bring them to my room and sort them out. I will only keep clothes I truly enjoy wearing, I will willingly let go of anything that fills up my closet, dresser or life with unnecessary weight or burden and I will take what I no longer want to the Donation Station right away. Besides that I have just been asked to conduct a tour at the High School tomorrow so I will have to get all of this done by noon. Wish me luck, I may have just set myself an impossible task, but I am hopeful that I will get it done.

Since I have been away from this blog many magical and wonderful things have happened, TW and LW's baby was born (completely thrilling!), I went on a walk as far across the Bay Bridge as is possible with TR and TD and the boys (the boys bicycled and beat us by a longshot!). I went to GG Park with Prima for a school field trip, to an art exhibit (Keith Haring) and had the best time, not only seeing the exhibit, which was quite moving, but I had a great time with my girl. Primo started folding tiny cranes and leaving them in places he had been, starting at Dad and B's wedding. All these magical moments, twinkling and sparkling in hidden, unexpected places, and I hadn't really taken note of them until now. I feel very happy to have noticed them.

So I am off to bed, I must get an early start to tomorrow, LS, here we go! Goodnight : )

Tiny cranes folded by Primo