Day Seventy-Six, (Almost Missed) Saturday Night

Tucked into bed at midnight thirty, I was settling down to sleep and was struck by the thought that I hadn't written anything for today. Actually the thought occurred to me as I was mulling over in my sleepy brain that I hadn't done anything at all today. And so that is what I have to report, nothing, I did nothing, I knit a bit, I supported Primo with his application essay, I tidied up the kitchen, but really nursed my headache for most of the day and sat on the blue chair for the rest of he day.

I am sure if it weren't so late, I could pull something out of my hat to write about, but all I can think about is how lovely it was all cozy under the covers with the lights out and gently drifting off to sleep, so I think I will turn in and try to come up with a full day to report on tomorrow. Goodnight!

Sweet Dreams by the silvery moon, even though it's more golden in this photo ; )

Day Seventy-Five, Warm and Cozy on a Rainy Friday Night

Not to sound like I am counting page views, because I know that they are cumulative so the number will obviously go up unless my three steadfast followers stop reading, but the number today is 576. Which I mention because it is the 75th entry today and at some point between when I checked last night and tonight, the number hit 575 and then one more. That sounds a bit silly when I re-read it, but my battery is low, I've no time, well battery really, to write, delete and start over!

An interesting day all around. Last night I was stricken with an intensely painful headache, rather suddenly. It was still present this morning and lasted most of the day, despite my taking medicine to relieve the pain, as well as decongestants, because it was definitely in and around my sinus. The right side. Regardless, I was feeling really poorly, headache, nausea, rapid pulse, it was horrible. TR was very productive, he has the maple backsplash for the maple counter all but done. I weeded a bit in the front yard while he was cutting out the backsplash. It felt good to be in the fresh air and sunshine. I think that sometimes the heater gets to me in the winter. I did the putter-y things that one does during the day, folded and put away laundry, made coffee, (TR made the breakfast) made lunch, did dishes, but beyond that and the weeding, I mostly sat very still hoping my headache would quiet down.

I find myself faced with a conundrum in parenting. I remember so clearly what it felt like to be a teen-ager, I understand my children and what they are struggling through. At the same time I can see the parenting I had at that age, what worked and what didn't work for me. Now I am navigating those waters, hoping to avoid the rocks that seemed so perilous to me and bring my children through without stranding them on those rocks. I know there is no easy answer, it is all temperament, compatibility, beliefs and objectives, so everyone's experience will be different and what works for one family might be a catastrophe for another family. I just hope beyond hope that by following my heart I am not abandoning my children and taking the easy way out. I hope beyond hope that I am providing the framework and support that will allow them to blossom to their full potential, whatever that may be.

So far I think (I must acknowledge that all parents I have come across so far, also think) that my children are exceptionally wonderful. I have come to realize that all parents want their children to be dazzling, and I am no exception, I only hope that I have sense enough to be dazzled by them for who they truly are, not who I would like to parade around in front of other people.

Which brings me back to the topic of two days ago, regarding the mystery of life and it's meaning. I have been pondering more on the subject, and I wonder, is it more important to play the game by the arbitrary rules that the majority follow? Or is it better to follow these rules as they carry one to their dreams and goals, but stray from that path if another direction takes one closer to joy and fulfillment? And how does one define that, by societal norms? If that is so, we would never have philosophy, thought up by those who looked at the world though slightly different filters and came up with something new. I am torn because I come from a family of dreamers and non-followers, but many of these family members have had a struggle of it, and I have come to appreciate that one must at least be able to relate to others on a common level and if one always believes oneself superior and holds oneself aloof, then it makes connecting with peers rather challenging. I want my children to be able to relate to peers with ease, while not losing sight of who they are. One of my favorite ECE teachers once said that the hardest job as a teacher and parent of young children is to teach them to live within society, while leaving their spirits intact.

Oh my goodness, my battery is about to give up, and I'm on a roll. Guess I'll have to roll on over and go to sleep and hope I can pick this up tomorrow. Goodnight!

Sunset from the hill above our house, taken by Primo on one of his walkabouts with RS and SP.

Day Seventy-Four, Happy Thanksgiving on Thursday Night

While thinking about what to write on Thanksgiving, I imagined I would write about something I was thankful for, or maybe a list, like 100 things I am thankful for, or share some heartwarming story about a wonderful part of my life. And maybe it will turn out that way, but I think I will just let it be what it will be.

Is it an accident that the birthdays of three people I love best in the world fall around Thanksgiving? This is such a time of celebration for us, and a great reminder of what I am truly thankful for in my life. Not just those whose birthdays fall in November but it reminds me of all the dear ones in my life and how much better my life is because of them. I am nestled in a cozy cocoon of family and friends that I am better for knowing. They ease the hard times and brighten the good times. They inspire and support and help me to grow and be the best person I can. Without them I would be a desert, desolate and dry. So there is something I am thankful for.

Thanksgiving is such a funny Holiday, I can remember as a child learning all about the Pilgrims and how they scraped by that first winter, almost not making it at all. How the Indians (as they were called back then) graciously and nobly helped the wretched pilgrims out, teaching them how to plant food so it would grow, sharing their knowledge with the outlanders to ensure their survival in that new world. We made handprint turkeys and sang "Over the River and Through the Woods", the only Thanksgiving song I ever learned. We gathered for the traditional Thanksgiving dinner, on some years being made to share a thankful moment from our lives (somehow I always choked on that one, even though it was obvious it was coming). Somehow at those dinners I always felt like an outsider, not really part of the family (that is a long, complicated story better told another time) but tolerated and allowed to tag along with those that were included. Things have changed so much, now we are told that that first Thanksgiving was not at all the way it was portrayed back then. I think I have read somewhere that it wasn't celebrated the way we celebrate now until well into the 1800s. We spend our celebration with the same friends we have spent it with for the last 10 years, a gathering of friends that meet a few times a year to share the love and friendship that has grown over the years.

Now, two hours later it is midnight and I am ready to turn in, my mind is still full of mighty ponderings and I am sure I will toss and turn while trying to work out the deeper functions of the universe. I am thankful for my family, my husband, my daughter, my son, my sisters and mother, my father and aunties and uncles, my grandparents, my great-grandparents, all the way back to the beginnings of life that changed and evolved eventually bringing me here, where I am now. I am thankful for my community, the friends that enrich my life, I am thankful and grateful to be alive on this planet, this wondrous, beautiful planet with mysteries untold. I am thankful for funny things like our dishwasher, washing machine and dryer. I am thankful for cozy warm covers on a marshmallow bed that keep me snug all night long. I am thankful to be me, living my life here and now with all the joys and sorrows it brings, thankful for life, thankful to be. Goodnight.

Dún Dúcathair, Inis Mór, Ireland

Day Seventy-Three, Wednesday Night Masquerading as Saturday

First down to business, the list (yes, I made a list again today!):

• 2:30 Dr. W (my hip/back has been hurting for nigh on a week now, time for professional help)
• 4:30 Hair Salon
• pay bills
• return/exchange TR's birthday pants
• bank business
• ebay photos/list

I did almost everything on the list, went to my appointments with the delightful and most appreciated company of TR, paid the bills, exchanged the pants, went to the bank and mailed off the necessary bank forms. I took photos of about half of the items I plan on listing on eBay and tomorrow, no, no, Friday I will list them. Or at least I plan on listing them. I also dusted our bedroom and started to order new registers for the heater vents, but I was sidetracked on that one and didn't finish it.

Besides all the task-y stuff I attempted today, it was a day of contemplation and discussion. I find myself more and more pondering the meaning of life and I don't mean in the trite, over philosophized way, wondering What is the Meaning of Life the Universe and Everything. Growing older brings me to a phase of life when I am experiencing the loss of loved ones due to old age, and occasionally illness. It really struck me when we were cleaning out G'ma and G'mpa's house that these people who had lived full, wonderful lives were reduced to the memories of those they left behind and all the stuff that remained in the house after they were gone. Now that stuff has been divided up and passed on to family members, further scattering the grandparents that once were living breathing people on this planet. And so I wonder what is the purpose, the memories we leave behind, the lives we connect to and impact? Our time here is so short and the footprints we leave behind fade as if washed off the shore by a wave, the first wave blurs us a bit but by the time the third or fourth wave laps against the sand we are erased and there is no trace left behind. The memories and stories of us fade away with the passing of each person that knew is until we are shadows behind the stars silently watching the planet that continues to grow and evolve without us.

Details about the lives of my relatives that have passed away will be forgotten in a few generations, photographs will remain of faces that no one remembers the names of. Even now as I look through old family photographs, I can name only a few from my grandparent's generation. My ponderance (my own word specially created for this occasion) is this: All the weight and importance we give to things, events, actions, accomplishments, what do they REALLY mean in the end? Is it more important to leave such a big legacy behind that one will be remembered, even if it is inaccurate, for many generations? Or should our energies be focused on living lives that satisfy us, no matter how small a footprint that leaves? All the wealth or possessions we amass during a lifetime, what does that really say about us, and does it even matter that it said anything about us at all? I think I need a little more time to formulate this question, because it makes sense in my head, but when I try to write it down, it falls apart like dropping a hand full of pebbles on a hard floor, skittering away and becoming nebulous.

It has happened again, I have taken benedryl for my awful allergies and I am falling asleep. TR said the nicest things to me about this blog today when I shared my dismay that these entries seem to have become rather short and automatic, so I shall take heart in his words of comfort and allow this to be what it is and say goodnight, goodnight!

A photo of an oak tree at Nottingham Castle, taken for Primo, who loves oak trees.

Day Seventy-Two, Tuesday Night at the Reflection Pool

I did go back and start reading through this blog today and I found out some interesting things. Firstly I noticed that my lists were a combination of major tasks, things that would take more than one day to complete and routine tasks, things that I have to do on a regular basis, and can take anywhere from 5 minutes to 5 hours. The Major Tasks tended to be things that I have dreamt of doing but somehow never got around to. After doing them I felt great but now that some time has gone by those accomplishments have faded into the background and I hardly remember what life was like before I completed them. These include:
having the piano moved
packing up and actually making at least three trips to the Donation Station with at least 10 bags each time
moving out the small couch
moving out the sideboard
reorganizing and de-cluttering the living room (so much that as I read through the blog and came across the task of cleaning up and around the craft shelf in the living room, I didn't remember what the craft shelf was)
moving craft shelf out of living room
getting rid of the OBC
organizing the kitchen drawers (so the clutter on the counter had somewhere to live, tidily)

I have also painted the kitchen, dining room and bathroom (thanks to Mamma for that motivation and company!), dug out the back patio with Primo, made a baby blanket in two hours, volunteered at both kid's schools, started making breakfast regularly for my family, kept the living room clean, on Sunday last, with TR's help de-cluttered the kitchen window and top of the china cabinet in the dining room.

I have ben far more productive than I feel I have been. I'm not sure what makes me remember my activities in such a dismissive light, but I really do. Somehow I never see my actions as important or noticeable. I feel my writing is mediocre, my art and crafts are fair to middling, my housekeeping skills are laughable, this is how I view myself. But when I look at what I have recorded it looks very different to me. If I read this as someone else's blog, I would be impressed with what they have done, I would be a little envious that I wasn't doing the same. So why do I see myself with such harsh filters? I feel embarrassed even saying this out loud, here in the blog. Almost as if some great face in the sky will suddenly show itself, laughing and mocking me, belittling my thoughts and efforts. It is almost as if I am invisible to myself, or at least, am trying to be invisible. But one of the most common threads in the blog is how much I want to be vibrant, active and alive. So why am I constantly undermining myself? A question that may deserve more thought than an evening's entry in a blog.

What I noticed that I didn't accomplish is this:
make raspberry curd (I have the berries!)
make or finish ANY bears
get shelves for the basement
(the following I didn't come across while re-reading, I just know I swore to do them and haven't)
Buy running shoes and start C25K
start writing a book
organize/fix up the cottage
look into/sign up for mediation training

The things I let go of seem to have the common theme of being either something entirely for me or something that will benefit me more than other family members. Another pattern that would seem to warrant further investigation.

So today I am going to record my list, check in about the successes and failures and try to keep recording in real time what I am accomplishing. Otherwise those accomplishments fall by the wayside and I end up feeling like a complete failure.

Today's Tasks:

• fold laundry (I got most of it folded, I will attempt to finish tomorrow)
• call ACL re:Thursday's plans (I texted JCL and everything is set)
• ebay listing
• blog re-read
• wash laundry (oh right, I DID fold the laundry from the first item, I forgot I washed three more loads and folded most of them but not all)
• iron
• pay bills

So I didn't list anything on eBay, thoughI have several items picked out to photograph and list. I also bought a scale so I can print out shipping labels and mail from my mailbox instead of having to go to the Post Office. Hopefully that will be done tomorrow. I did start re-reading as I mentioned, and I will continue that in the days to come. I did iron my shirts, which is a monumental task for me as I am terrible at ironing! I did not pay bills, I found out that our re-fi was funded so the bill I thought was due, is not so I can chalk that up on tomorrow's list. I don't think anything else is late as of yet.

What I did today that wasn't on the list was:

• take Prima to Ikea to get new curtains for the doorway between her room and the living room
• bought presents for people that needed a present
• bought a new pair of pants for myself ( something I have been meaning to do for some time)
• picked up the CSA box 

Of course then there is all the stuff that is always in one's day that is not given a second thought, dishes, sweeping, wiping counters down, washing sinks out, all those little, time consuming tasks that are never noticed unless they are NOT done.

So busy, productive, still not at the top of where I want to be, but well on my way and all that is needed is a bit more mindfulness and a bit less, bum's-rush-I-want-to-go-to-bed entries here. My true love is sleeping peacefully next to me, my benedryl is taking over and now I am off to bed. I feel better about my progress than I have for days, weeks even. Goodnight!

These ladies atop these columns always remind me of the poem in the Kate Greenaway book I had as a girl, the one about the four sisters that lived in a tower in the middle os the sea, and they kept watch in the four directions, North, South, East and West. Though in the book the sisters faced outwards and there were only four. 

Day Seventy-One, Happy Birthday On Monday Night!

Primo and I spent the day tucked into our cozy little house, TR and I started him off with presents and birthday cheer. He said he wanted to spend his birthday doing nothing, so that's what he did.

I did almost nothing, though I did make a list ( which is somewhere not near me at all right now) and the only thing I failed to accomplish on my list is folding laundry, but the great thing about laundry is that it will wait for you for as long as it takes to get to it! The re-fi seems to be going well, I have made appointments to see the chiropractor and the hair dresser. I even argued with a ridiculous customer service representative from our long distance phone service. I finished cleaning up from dinner (TR did most of the cleanup last night, I can't take credit where it isn't due!) and I hung out with my boy on his birthday. All in all a good day.

I feel  have definitely lost momentum, even with this blog, I am slowing down and often feel I have nothing to write about and nothing to say. Partially because I am always writing when I am tired and I just want to go to bed, but also because I'm on auto pilot, cruising along and not really paying attention. So here's my plan; tomorrow I am going to re-read all the entries, I will make a list of things I have resolved to do, note the ones I have not done and see if I can get them done.

On that note, I'm out, goodnight!

Angel Island, sailing trip with Primo and Prima

Day Seventy, Sunday Night The-Night-Before-The-Birthday-Boy's-Birthday!

555 is the numbers of page views as of today, the seventieth entry of the blog so far. And that's all I have to say about that.

We spent the day preparing for Primo's friend RP to come over for dinner. Cleaning the house from top to bottom (mostly) we dusted, swept, scrubbed, vacuumed, sorted and the house is fairly gleaming with the attention. It was very satisfying to clean all together, I felt like I was part of a team instead of begging for help. We got the job done in about three hours, and then TR and I went to get supplies for dinner. Even that was pleasant, regardless of crazy, overcrowded conditions at the grocery stores we went to. Somehow it felt harmonious and rewarding, when we were done our friends came over and we had a lovely dinner. It was a great day.

Tonight will be a short entry because I have to wrap Primo's presents. You would think, knowing this day was coming, I would be prepared. But I must say I am always wrapping at the last minute! So until tomorrow, goodnight!

Many good fortunes!

Day Sixty-Nine, Another Saturday Night And I Ain't Got Nobody ( That's Not True, I Really Do!)

We celebrated Primo's birthday today, with the first birthday 'party' he's had in nearly four years. Sadly I can't actually remember how many years it has been since he has had a birthday party. Having a birthday near Thanksgiving has proven to make planning birthday parties rather difficult as most people are out of town either the weekend before or after his birthday. One year, we had his party in March, because I couldn't throw one for Prima if I hadn't thrown one for Primo, and hers was quickly approaching.

It was a very low key affair, TR and I took Primo, SP and RS to The City to explore Japan Center on their own (we kept an eye from a distance). We had lunch and birthday crepes and each boy was given a sum to spend as he wished, they all chose to purchase wicked looking knives ( I did call RS and SP's parents to get permission) and were pleased as punch with their acquisitions. When we returned home, they stayed for a pizza dinner and then they watched a movie with Prima and FM. Primo proclaimed it the best birthday party he has ever had, and I am so glad that he wast so pleased with it, it was definitely time for him to be celebrated!

I find myself back in the same place as ever, a million ideas spinning around in my head and the abysmal feeling that there isn't time or money enough to get everything done. It seems to send me into panic mode and I become even more still, which makes me accomplish less and the spiral grows on itself. I haven't made a daily task list for some time. Monday will be the day to start again, it did seem to push me forward, while making it I will try to remember all the things I have noticed about myself and getting reaching my goals. Maybe I'll even go so far as to read through the blog and take some notes to help me be as successful as I can be. It seems that as I came to the end of the official time off, I stopped thinking about what I wanted to get done each day. Time to get back on track. Monday morning, two goals will be ( besides wishing my boy Many Happy Returns of the Day) 1. Get running shoes and start the C25K thing I have been avoiding, and 2. Look up the mediation course I want to take and sign up.

TR is tuckered out so it's lights out for me too! Goodnight : )

Dandelion's cousin

Day Sixty-Eight, Friday Morning To Friday Night (Now Saturday Morning)

I am sitting under the weight of my finances, which...

I started this seemingly ages ago, but in reality only this morning, now it's 11:40pm and it seems that I have lived several days inside of this one day. Simultaneously it feels as if I have done nothing all day long, the truth must lie somewhere in between.

I did go as the adult for SP at sort of a Thanksgiving Open House at his school, it was really fun and he goes to an amazing school, I was glad to be able to see him there and to be able to be the kind of community I believe children need. I did clear up the financial issue that was oppressing me this morning. I did pick up all of the people (today's count was 6) that I was responsible for picking up and delivering to their destinations. I did make sure dinner was ready to be cooked and helped cook part before taking Prima to her school event. I did take Prima to the barn (with TR's company) and wait while she rode for a while. I did require Prima to go to the school function she did not want to go to (that comes out sounding pretty horrid, it was a function of her school-within-the-school, and she has missed a lot of these events and actual classes so far this year, it was not just a dance or something like that). I did go pick her up at 11:30pm and not force her to spend the night (it was an overnight event). So it has been a busy day, but there was time to sit on the sofa and eat lunch so it wasn't completely full, it only felt like it.

The rain has faded into soggy sidewalks and cold grey skies, the kind that bring along terrific headaches for me. I have felt as if my head were in a vice all day, but it will pass as all things do. I am feeling the weather turning, my general outlook is bleaker than usual, and it is harder to laugh than it is when the sun is shining down on me.

Oh my goodness, I am so tired, parenting has worn me to a nub, I must go to sleep to replenish! Goodnight!

Vine covered cottage

Day Sixty-Seven, Thursday Night

Another rainy day, another day of feeling chilly and a bringing with it, ennui brought about by grey skies and the endless drone of rain on the skylights, on the roof of the car, on pools formed by overwhelmed storm drains, but not for long.Time, indeed, stands still for no man or woman and my boy will be fourteen oh so soon. I have procured some small birthday presents for him, this year he says he really wants nothing but has made a modest list at my request, so I have obtained the small items he has asked for, and now I must wrap them before his birthday.

I did also volunteer in Primo's classroom again today, I assisted with a cooking project, the kids made a kale salad with apples and pomegranate seeds. It was delicious and the kids (mostly) liked it. I also managed to make it to the grocery store and pick up supplies for dinner, and we have had night three-in-a-row of dinner at home. It may seem a foolish triumph but eating out is absolutely one of my biggest weaknesses, and tonight, even though I felt there wasn't enough time, I made dinner anyway. And everyone liked it! Other than that, no huge accomplishments, finding comfort and guidance from my sisters and now my own true love has fallen asleep on the sofa, so I am off to bed. Goodnight!

rain, rain....

Day Sixty-Six, The Blah's on a Rainy, Wednesday Evening

If all had gone according to plan, this blog would have been over Monday night, here it is Wednesday, I am apparently and blissfully free. But I do have the blah's, I am not in the doldrums as before, I am just restless and stir-crazy. It has been raining all day, I know we need the rain, it has been so dry and everything in the garden looks wilted or brittle and I don't even spend that much time outside when it's sunny and beautiful. Still, somehow I feel pent up and itchy in my skin from being inside and slightly chilly all day. I haven't really accomplished anything, parenting conversations with TR, knitting a bit on a sweater, catching up on email, making sure all the bills that are due have been paid. Nothing to feel proud of that shows any efforts of the day. Oh well, there is always tomorrow.

I have started this early enough that I don't have to rush off to sleep, but what oh what do I have to write about? The state of the world and my thoughts and feelings about that? Nah, too deep and too much energy. How marvelous my children are and how sweet my husband is? Aaarrgghhh, when I have the blah's I don't have a writing brain. I have a stewing, brewing, fretting, fussing brain. Mulling over what hasn't been done, not depressed, not anxious or even troubled more like purgatory, in-between and not dissatisfied but not satisfied either.

I could talk a bit about Mr. Nibs, the fabulous Boston Terrier. He is the funniest dog, he always wants to play and will pick up the sorriest scrap of torn up toy and bring it over hopefully, pressing it against your hand again and again to encourage you to play tug-o-war with him. It seems to have developed that whenever we have guests over the dogs tear around the house like wild things, barking and dashing, willy nilly, back and forth across the house. I don't know what made them start doing that, but truly, every time someone comes over, about two minutes after they get here the dogs are tearing it up. That Mr. Nibs has the cutest face and he always seems to be looking at you so earnestly.

Okay I ran out of steam with that! I have nothing more now, I will check in before bedtime maybe the winds will have shifted by then.

Nope, still nothing, goodnight!

Snow on Mt. Diablo

Day Sixty-Five, I'm Stayin' Alive on Tuesday Night

"Some up, some down", the name one of my preschool students from days of yore gave to her favorite hairstyle. She would beg me to fix her hair if it came down during school. She had thick, shiny, long hair, it fell almost to her waist and had just enough wave to it that it all stayed put when it was braided, I know this because I was allowed to braid it once, just once. All of the other times, she wanted "some up, some down". I tried so hard to talk her into fancy, french braids, or twists that came together into braids, fancy buns anything else, but it was always the same, and besides the one braiding time, I always gave her "some up, some down" Which is the kind of day I had today, Not an Alexander day (which is terrible, horrible, no good and very bad), but a little of this and a little of that.

Primo and I went on a tour of a prospective high school, which was informative and reassuring. The staff was engaged and positive, I ran into old friends from Prima's kindergarten days, newer friends from Primo's kindergarten days and some of his friends from this year. Oh yeah, and we ran into several students we know in the classes. I do always love it when my community shows up around me. We opted for the upper campus tour as well and it was fantastic. It was completely student led and they children were bright (as in sparkly), enthusiastic, well spoken, informed and informative. It was clear they were proud of their school (it kind of functions as it's own self-contained, mini-campus) and were eager to share everything they loved about it with us. If I could enroll him in that part of the school right now, I would.

TR and I did a quick fix on the cottage roof, it was so fun (and a little scary) to be up there and it's always satisfying to get something done that really needs to be done, with my best friend too! It also made me realize that we really can re-roof it ourselves, we will just need help with the haul away, but that is probably the easiest kind of worker to find, someone to haul debris away.

Besides that it was a pretty quiet day, dinner at home (yay!) and watching a re-run of SNL with Primo after getting all of our necessary work done. Now it is midnight-thiry and I am ready for bed. I think I may have to move to a mid-day check in, instead of this rush-to-finish style entry, also I need to go out and take more pictures! Thats it for me for today, goodnight!

"Those trees, those Truffula trees"

Day Sixty-Four, Yes, I'll Still Need You, and I'll Still Feed You on Monday Night (And Forever, Really)

Started hours ago, this entry had such hope and promise. A busy day, my own true love's birthday, sunny and bright with lots of errands/tasks/goals done, happy visits with Mamma, lovely birthday dinner with TR and the kiddos. All of these things should be written down in careful, loving detail, but instead it is past midnight and I will rush to the goodnight part so I can lay my head down to rest before the whole night rushes past me dragging me into tomorrow morning and that painful screech of the alarm, whining at me to get up and get started.

So what I did in a nutshell, and we're talking a hazelnut or filbert or whatever you want to call it, a tiny one: painted one living room wall with one of the sample colors to see if I like it, took the car in for an oil change where I agreed to a service that was much more than I could afford and then I called them back to change it to a less costly service ( I have NEVER had the nerve to do they before), made TR a birthday cake, picked up the High Schoolers and drove them all home (it was a full carpool today) did a load of laundry and bribed my son into doing another load for me, had lunch with Mamma, got ED's birthday card/present together to send up with Mamma.

There is so much more to list, and so much more I would like to philosophize about but it is so late and tomorrow is a big day too (our first High School tour for Primo), so I must, must, must go to sleep. Goodnight (and Happy Birthday TR) !

TR's Birthday dinner in Brazil 2010

Day Sixty-Three, The-Would-Have-Been-Last-Sunday-Night-If-Work-Hadn't -Let -Me-Go

I am standing in a funny place tonight. If all had gone according to plan, this would have been my last night before starting work again, and for all I know Ex-Boss is expecting to see me in the office bright and early tomorrow morning. But he hasn't reached out to me at all about returning. He has said some vague things about needing to talk when I return, but he hasn't called or texted to ask me if I am coming back or even if I want to come back. So I think I have made it pretty clear, here in this blog that I am not planning on returning, and I feel really good about that decision, I feel solid and certain about choosing me over work. Still I have this little nagging feeling in my heart that I will be in trouble if I don't return tomorrow. Which is ridiculous because I am not employed there, nor have I been since September 12th. So I must put that nibbling fear aside and remember that I love having my life back to myself. To be getting all my own things done and setting my own affairs in order. Speaking of which...

Today was a really nice day, and productive for a lazy, fall Sunday. After a lovely breakfast with TR, Primo and Mamma, we washed up and set about to get some things done. Mamma sewed up the slip covers for the Morris Chair that LS started a while ago. She finished the whole thing and she even did the ottoman. It looks so fresh and new, it really brightens up the room. We went and got paint samples for the living room and new tarps for the cottage (a temporary solution until we have money for a new roof!). We took Primo and SP to a class in sound and lighting that they LOVED and Auntie M connected us up with. So now that we have established a relationship with the theater, Primo is excited about taking more classes and I feel confident about his audition, because he has passion for what he is doing.

I am so tired, we went to a show, a bit of a pre-birthday celebration for TR, whose birthday is tomorrow (yay!), an old friend of his was plating with a band I've never heard of but the audience seemed to really like them. DD always puts on a good performance and t was really nice to see him again. It's been about 5 years since we last saw him. Before I sign off. I just want to recognize how fortunate I am, my family is wonderful, my son is so bighearted and loving, my daughter is so shiny bright, my husband is so far beyond my wildest dreams, sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming, Mamma has been coming down to visit on weekends. No matter how many other things weigh me down, my family is the best ever and I can't complain about that! I can tell I am tired, my writing has gone vague and non-descriptive! Over 500 page views as of today, many in Canada and France! Thanks for reading and goodnight!

Sunset North Lake Tahoe

Day Sixty-Two, A Sunny Saturday Afternoon

I seem to passing through the blues, and traveling merrily down the road of my life. We took Prima and FM to the airport at the crack of dawn this morning, they looked so happy and grown up, we held back and let them check in by themselves, they walked confidently to the ticket counter and then were directed back to the self serve check in, where they giggled over the monitor and got themselves all checked in. We waited until they were through security and headed out. They made it to their destination and Prima sent photo of the hotel they are staying in, I guess they got all checked into the hotel without a hitch and everything is going as planned. I haven't heard form her for some time now.

As far as other things I have gotten done today, let's see... I dropped off a donation of four handmade (by me) pairs of pearl and gemstone earrings to a fundraiser to raise funds to provide resources for disadvantaged children to play soccer. TR and I had a discussion with Primo about high school, what he hoped for, how we could support him and how we would begin. It started out pretty rocky, but we were able to work thorough the tough parts and get to the heart of the discussion and agree on some steps to take. It was a success in that we set up the calendar, got supplies together and started on brainstorming a 'resumé' for Primo's audition. It looks pretty good so far. I spent hours with Primo sorting legos into 1 gallon bags to sell on cragislist. It was fun, we sang along to our favorite songs and told funny stories and teased each other about silly things. At the end of it he said to me that he didn't want to sell the legos, he wanted to build something. So he did. I helped him with a sword making project which was fun though he got really frustrated when it wasn't coming out perfectly, I gave most of my help in the form of soothing him and trying to guide whim into overcoming his frustration and pressing forward with his project.

I realized while watching him feel so defeated by the imperfections, that I also hold back on everything I do because I want it to be perfect the first time around. I could hear myself telling him to keep working on the project because things were fixable after assembly and that there were enough supplies to re-make parts of ti if they didn't turn out the first time. But that is exactly what immobilizes me, I am so afraid that I will ruin my supplies and then I won't have anything beautiful to show for my efforts. As I tell him that anything he makes is worth the effort he put in, my mind takes inventory of all the unfinished projects I have tucked away. I know that when I take those projects out and look at them they will be halted at the point when I started telling myself that I was failing. Boy, I sure have taught my children thoroughly, even though it was the exact opposite of my intention!

Fast forward to Sleepy Saturday Night. TR and I had dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, and then went to a fancy liquor store, that looked like an Old Timey general store. It was neat but the clerk was a bit socially awkward which is unfortunate when one is a clerk in a store. We went home and watched about 45 episodes of the new show we are watching with Primo (just kidding, we watched 3, but it felt like more!) and then TR and I watched a documentary about the '89 earthquake, which made me cry, a lot. I had forgotten how intense that time was and the images of the catastrophes dredged all that disbelief and panic up from the depths of my heart and soul. I still remember how nervous I was about another earthquake happening, I was so conscious of where I stopped while driving, in relation to things that might fall and crush me in my car. I read a story, back then, about a woman that had her husband build her a specially reinforced, four poster bed out of steel (or some kind of metal, maybe it was adamantium!) to protect her if an earthquake happened while she was sleeping. I was nervous for years that I would be crushed in my sleep because I didn't have a bed like that when the next one struck.

Thanks to the espresso I had after dinner, I have been able to stay up this late (11:46pm) and still think coherently (at least I think I am), but I have spent so much time going back to fix bizarro, wonky typing,  (and I seem to have forgotten how to spell) that I am going to bed. Goodnight Gracie!

Marshmology, Alaskan style

Day Sixty-One, Fabulous (?) Friday Night

Well I do have a lot to say today, though not a lot to report that I have accomplished. I do want to put down something from yesterday that I didn't have time to write down before lights out.

Yesterday, I volunteered in Primo's elective class, which is Agriculture. Now, he hates the class purely because he was anticipating a computer elective, but that teacher left for another position at another school. So he is stuck with learning about food, how it's grown, how it is consumed, how it affects us culturally or is representational of the culture that is producing and consuming it, from field to table. At least that is what the parents were told on Back-to-School night. I believe that the teacher had every intention of teaching all that, and she may be really attempting that. What I experienced made it seem that teaching ANYTHING was/is next to impossible.

We were slated to make (and did indeed do so) seed bombs, which is to say super ball sized balls of clay, compost, water and seeds all rolled up together. The thought is that when they dry, one can drop them anywhere to plant seeds, we used native wildflowers, so as not to introduce any invasive species. I came in during lunch and mixed up the dirt mixture, Ms. B scooped seeds into the mixture and the kids squished the seeds al around into the dirt, then they rolled it all up into little balls (they looked like big chocolate truffles) and we placed them on trays to dry. It was a neat project (well it was actually really messy and dirty but it was a clever and interesting idea) and some of the kids seemed to enjoy it, but I was appalled at the behavior of most of the kids. First there was the talking back to Ms. B when she gave instructions, then there was the talking out loud either to anyone who would listen or another child, not always sitting close together, while Ms. B was addressing the class. Children were constantly out of their seats, leaving class when ever the urge struck them, even if Ms. B told them to stay put. Up, down, in, out, milling about, constant talking, I was amazed that we got the project done at all. Ms. B never lost her composure, she was never angry or indignant with the students, she kept her cool and kept repeating herself until the child she was speaking to complied. It was like herding cats.

The realization that struck me, and rather forcefully I might add, is that this couldn't be the only class like that. One student from another class kept coming in and at one point he stood at the door arms raised, middle fingers brandished for all to admire, turning in a slow arc to let every student in the classroom enjoy the full effect of his gesture, until he realized that I was watching him.Then his arms fell limply to his sides while he gathered his wits back up, ready for his next show. It suddenly dawned on me that ALL of Primo's classes were (are) full of children who don't care one whit about what the teacher is trying to share with them, they don't see their education as anything but a nuisance, something keeping them from what they really want to do, and they especially don't care who is derailed, inconvenienced, or disrupted by what they do.

So I have decided, fully supported by my amazing and wonderful husband, that Primo will not be attending public High School. Of course I want him to go to the same school Prima goes to, so we are working on a presentation for his audition, but I am ready to send him to Catholic school before I send him to public school next year. Okay that's that, onwards.

I was really blue today, mostly because I made the mistake of perusing  Facebook, which henceforth will be referred to as f**cbook because I usually feel all f'd up after reading it. One of my 'friends' posted a list of things that she had done over her 8 week leave. Seriously, 8 weeks and on leave, and just like me she was really out for longer. I read it and promptly went to bed, after calling LS and complaining to her. I was dumbfounded, it left me feeling ridiculous, especially for keeping a blog. I felt like a massive whiner for being so proud of myself for the accomplishments I have made. She listed hers out in one f**kbook list and it sounded like she had practically saved the world, or at least it did to me. When I read the list to LS, she had a really different take on it. She said it sounded like there were some good resources there and that actually I had achieved the same if not more. Well you know how it is, once you open the flood gates, it's hard to put all that water back! So I moped around for the rest of the day. But I did get a bunch of research done regarding school for Primo, and that IS something important!

Now I am off to bed, although I had much more to say, I have to get up super early to take Prima and FM to the airport, they are going to L.A. to see The Favorite Boy Band, well one of the favorites anyway. I'm a nervous Mamma, so I need my rest to make sure I am a good safe driver tomorrow. Maybe by tomorrow the flood plain will have dried out a bit (vague enough for you?). Goodnight!

Best Bumble Bee

Day Sixty, Thursday's Child Has Far To Go

Day sixty, it seems like it should be an occasion of note, but it is just the day after fifty-nine and not even the last day of my leave. At the risk of repeating myself, I seem to have grossly miscalculated how much time I would be out on leave, not even taking into account that I am not actually on leave, but unemployed altogether. Well one notable thing, I have reached 481 total page views for this blog. I'm not really sure what that means, and in an odd way it makes me a little more thoughtful when I am writing, thinking a bit longer about how things might be interpreted or misinterpreted as the case may be. Is that a good thing? I don't know.

My mini-cleaning-accomplishment for the day: I cleaned the appliances with the stainless steel cleaner and micro-fabric towels I recently bought. Keeping in mind my revelation about how I clean, I decided to push forward with one or two things each day that I can see making a difference and not to stress out about not getting everything done. It did come out nicely, if I do say so myself, it makes the kitchen glow a little bit.

I do have much more to say but TR was at a work dinner and didn't get home until late. I cannot type with the overhead light off because my keys are not illuminated and he's so tired, I feel awful keeping him up with the blazing light. I will try to remember to share my experience volunteering in Primo's Agriculture class today. With that, goodnight!

Road to the beach

Day Fifty-Nine, Wednesday Night

Wacky, witty, woeful, am I some, none or all of these? I am not in the doldrums but feel a bit like I am in limbo, not up, not down, not on not off, not here nor there. I kept myself busy today, futzing around with my iPod, meeting CC for lunch. Home to clean up a bit and then off for the afternoon/evening pick up routine. I have been suffering from terrible allergies today and now I'm afraid that I am getting a cold again. I feel I usually have a far more vigorous immune system, I don't know why it seems to have become so feeble. I better not be sick again, if I am, I will go on strike.

 Hopes, dreams, and plans flit through my mind constantly, like fireflies on a summer's evening, little illuminated dots against he inky blackness of nothingness. When I reach out to catch them, they scatter and I am left holding a handful of nothingness. It seeps into my skin, washing up my arm, through my shoulder, across my chest, into my heart and the hopes, dreams and plans fade into still, nothingness. Nothingness envelopes me and I am surrounded by a cocoon of inky blackness, still, quiet, motionless, the fireflies, all flown away and all that is left is the blackness of a moonless summer's night.

I did go get paint chips for the living room and my bedroom. Maybe I should consider getting paint for the cottage too. Maybe if I can make a little change, bigger change will follow. I also practiced my ukelele today for about 20 minutes, though I didn't take my music out, I fooled around with different finger picking patterns.

I also, finally, broke down and did Prima's job. I have been nagging my children for so long about participating in the household, to help out with the chores that benefit the whole family. They agree, and say they will be more responsible and it always ends the same. I scold them for not doing it, they say sorry and they will do it soon and then another day goes by without it getting done. I have spent the last week and a half walking over the stuffing Mr. Nibs has pulled out of his toys and left on the floor. I have tried to turn a blind eye to the sofa cushions dribbling of the sofa and the throw pillows thrown everywhere. The dust bunnies in every corner multiply like, well, like rabbits! I vacuumed the whole downstairs, including all of Prima's designated area, and the sofa. And I came up with a solution I think will work. I printed out a calendar and wrote down what I did of the children's chores. I did part of Primo's chore, the yard waste was spilling all over the counter and there were pizza boxes from last night's dinner, so that went on the calendar as well as the vacuuming. I calculated what their allowance is divided by 5 days (a work week) and I will deduct 1/5th of their allowance for every day I have to do it because they have neglected to take care of it without nagging. It is hard for me to set these kind of limits, I always feel like I should give them another chance or be more understanding. But seriously, TR and I don't ask that much of them and what we do ask isn't terribly difficult, they just don't want to stop what they happen to be doing to take care of it when I ask, and they don't think of it on their own. Hopefully this will remedy that.

I haven't made that priorities list, yet nor have I been up in the cottage to move that project forward. The cottage needs to be ready for me to work on a project soon, I want to make a present for Dad and BC. I must have space for that! Also I would like to have the big room available for guests, I was so wishing I could have offered it to Dad and BC when they came down.

Okay, I am tired and off to bed, here's hoping I get more done tomorrow than I did today! Goodnight!

Beach treasures

Day Fifty-Eight, Almost Recovered on Tuesday Night

I am always surprised at how hard it is on my body to stay up past midnight. I can remember staying up until 5 in the morning and still getting up to go to work at 8. Not anymore, I wasn't asleep until at least 1:30 last night (I suppose I ought to say this morning) and I have been dragging all day. Really this is a long and winding way to say I did nothing today.

Not entirely true, TR (who I woke up when I got home in the wee hours and then made stay awake to listen to my adventures) got up early with me and we went to the grocery store for breakfast supplies because Dad and BC were coming to breakfast. We had the nicest visit with them, and the kids even put in their appearances, though Primo did not come to say good bye when they left. After they left we cleaned up and then I took a quick nap before taking Prima to the nail salon for nail work.

Now TR is sleeping next to me, the kids are busy with homework and chores (that does sound really good, and it is not a lie, though at this moment that is what is happening, 10 minutes ago it was a different story and in about 2 more minutes it will revert to iPhones and TV) and I am checking in before turning in early to catch up on some of the sleep I missed out on last night.

After an insightful conversation with BC today I realized that as children we don't really think about our parents' emotional state and what they are going through in life. We are so focused on our own needs that we often don't realize that they are human and prone to the same emotions that we are. I can see that now and I fear that as a young person I was so immersed in my own sorrows, I forgot that my grown ups may have been fighting their own battles. So I must remember to act out my thoughts of love and kindness instead of keeping them penned up in my head and my heart. It makes a difference to me that I have this thoughts and feelings, but if no one else can see or hear or experience them, well it's like a penlight in a cave, useless.

I am falling asleep, I can hardly keep my eyes open as I am writing, goodnight!

GG Bridge

Day Fifty-Seven, Lewis Watson on Monday Night

I am starting this earlier than usual as I am headed out to see Lewis Watson (not artist x) with Prima and PMM this evening and I will probably be home late and be soooo tired. I am hopping I can add to this, but just in case I'm wiped out, I will at least have checked in.

So accountability you say? Or did I say that, right it was me. There was NO accountability today or rather I should say no actions with thoughts towards accountability. I got out my notebook to make a list, I wrote : Dog food, Dog treats (which I needed to buy but don't worry, the doggies won't go hungry I have food left, just no crate treats). Then I sat down and transcribed some things I had written in the List Notebook and then a friend called who I haven't seen in a really long time and all my plans flew out the window as I went to see her instead of tackling the imposing list I had created. Tomorrow will be just as bad, since my dad and BC are coming for breakfast and then I am meeting up with TD to have our toes tended to.

A thought struck me (not very hard, it didn't hurt at all!) as I was looking at the clean spot in my kitchen and appreciating it. I think I am really good at cleaning but in little bits. I lose interest after one or two spots are cleaned well and move onto other things like checking email and Important Things like that. So maybe a strategy is to work with that instead go trying to accomplish everything all at once and then I won't feel like a failure because I haven't built a mansion on top of my tiny house and also cured cancer and created world peace all on the same day. Maybe I need to look with careful eyes at who I am and let that be. To embrace what I have to offer and let it work for me rather that struggling with the hopelessness of what I am not and being dragged down by that. When I have cleaned a bit of my house and I feel happy about it, I have no trouble keeping it clean. It's when I feel as if my efforts don't make a difference and then I throw my hands up and walk away from ALL maintenance. It's the same with the garden, with the cottage, with my crafts, I need to work with who I am not who I think I should be. and with that, I am off to the city for a date with my girl and her friend. Earplugs!

As I thought it is so late, I am going to bed, goodnight!

Lewis Watson!

Day Fifty-Six, Sunday Night, Home Again, Home Again Jiggity Jig

After a weekend of complete rest and relaxation, I am exhausted. Just kidding, it's really the massive headache I have had for most of the day that has made me tired. There is something about unending pain that makes one feel a little weak in the knees. But I am home and all the familiar things that drive me crazy are driving me crazy, I am somehow content in that nonetheless. After a weekend in EF's spacious and charming cabin, my house feel cramped and cluttered, the walls feel closer than ever and I am looking around with a critical eye. Still it is my mess and my beloved children and husband are here to welcome me home and shower me with affection and stories of what they all did while I was away.

My main goal tomorrow is to make a list for the day and make a list of priorities besides. I do still intend on fixing up the cottage. Perhaps before I get set on replacing windows, I can try to take care of clearing out the interior and planning on how to deal with the space. Things like should I change out the cabinets? Can I have the damaged floorboards dealt with without replacing the whole floor? Can I find a small fridge to put back in, and if so what will I do with all the stuff that is in that slot right now? Can I find a structural engineer to advise on how to rectify the front tilt of the cottage? So that's my plan for tomorrow.

Today was lovely, a slow, leisurely start that led us to a rapid departure for home. It was interesting, we were up earlier than the day before and kept a slow pace making breakfast, reading emails, all the things we don't have a chance to take our time over, usually. Then we went for a walk and tidied up after ourselves. When we were ready to go, it took hardly any time at all to pack up and leave. I was impressed! We got home in good time and I found a sick boy at my house when I got in.

Primo has a cold or some other illness. He is miserable and spent the day on the couch blowing his nose and groaning. Por thing, It does feel miserable to have a cold. Not sick enough to just sleep through it but feeling rotten while you are awake. I hate that so much.

We had a lovely visit with my Dad and BC, who are getting married in December, I am so excited! They came by after an event they attended and we sat sipping cocktails that TR made for us and chatting. It was so nice catching up, sharing stories and memories. Prima brought out her guitar and played for us a bit, Dad took a video of her, charming us all. I am glad we got to see them, BC is so nice and I feel so comfortable around her, and Dad seems so happy where he is in his life.

Now I am snuggled into my marshmallow bed and ready to turn in for the night, goodnight!

Front yard moon

Day Fifty-Five, Sunny Saturday in Tahoe (Though I Am Writing at Night)

I have been away on a ladies weekend in Tahoe, and I do not think I have been so still and quiet for this length of time since Prima was born. I imagined it would be frolicking and giggling girl time. but it has been two days of good company with conversations and periods of rest. Well we did do a bit more today, we went for a walk which was beautiful. Crisp air but not too chilly with majestic trees all around and every now and then another person out enjoying the scenery. We went for cocktail at a fancy hotel, which was marvelous. The drinks were yummy and we ate some nice food and the surprise of the afternoon was the marshmology. Homemade marshmallows to be toasted on their grand outdoor fire, with all the makings for s'mores. We toasted marshmallows, we stood in snow, we walked through a peaceful grove of trees with one tree in the middle decorated with fairy light, we had a festive and magical afternoon. Now we are back at the cabin, tucked in for the evening, feeling sleepy and content.

Because these past two days have been so sleepy and slow I feel like I have fallen off the wagon. Part of me is anxious to get back, to be busy and productive. Part of me is happy to be in a place where I am not needed for anything, and no one is noticing what I am doing, I don't feel like I have to justify my quietness.

Things will pick up at super speed when I get home, all the birthdays that are coming up, all the holiday celebrations that are looming ahead of us, the speed of life will soon be out of control and then it will calm down as the New Year rolls out and it will all start over again.

I suppose I should have a ton to write about, the picturesque, yet grand hotel we lunched at. the wedding that took place at the hotel, the breathtaking scenery everywhere I look, but tonight my head is empty. I will, however, post a picture of the day's adventure, and with that, goodnight!

Tahoe Sunset

Day Fifty-Four, Friday Night Away From Home

A long and full day, but not full of the kinds of things that I usually try to record here, full of pleasant (and some unpleasant) things that life brings, some unexpected but welcome and some planned and enjoyable and some bewildering and frustrating, but part of life nonetheless.

I feel a bit scattered in my thoughts, not being home, I am mostly turning thoughts of my family over in my mind. It seems trickier than usual to find the words to put down here. Perhaps tomorrow I will write earlier so I am not missing my dear ones so much. Also it's really hard to see the keyboard in this light with non-lighting-up-keys.

I would like to say goodnight to TR, Prima and Primo especially tonight, I miss you all very much. And to anyone and everyone who is reading, goodnight!

the lightness in the trees is the moon shining on the bay

Day Fifty-Three, Thursday Late Night

Here's what I found out last night, drowsy does not mean able to sleep. As I mentioned in last night's post, I took sudafed before bedtime and was so sleepy, but I could not sleep after lights out. I was tired and really, really, REALLY wanted to sleep but my whole body felt fidgety and funny and I tossed and turned all night long. Until 6:00am, which is the time I always fall asleep when I am having a sleepless night, just in time for the alarm to go off. I was so tired, I was light headed and dizzy for most of the day. I snuck in a 20 minute nap before picking up kids and it seemed to work.

I accomplished nothing of note besides the usual tasks that must get done. Making breakfast, hustling kids out of the house, I had a meeting with a friend who wanted to recruit me to sell beauty products and I was able to communicate how much I was NOT a salesperson and how much I would be really bad as someone selling products under her in the grand pyramid of things. But besides little puttery things, I didn't do much.

We did go to see EM in her first starring role in a production the High School put on. She was amazing. Her portrayal of her character was excellent and the play was really heavy and a bit dark but the kids pulled it off really well. I was impressed that they were able to act out a subject that seemed so mature and far off for them.

Now I am wrapping up and heading to bed, it is so late and because I am going away for the weekend, we have to get up extra early, so goodnight!

Dash!

Day Fifty-Two, Wacky Wednesday Night

I took a sudafed because my allergies are so bad and now my nose is still stuffy, my eyes are still itchy, and I can barely stay awake. So it will be a turbo entry. I really can't think straight so I will transcribe some things I found on my phone tonight and then, bed, sweet bedtime!

March 15, 2014

I have drifted away and find myself
again
on the edge of  a universe all my own
looking back at all the celestial dwellers in a cluster
crying starry tears
that float away
and become a universe of their own

July 30, 2014

An unfortunate choosing has landed us at a beautiful hotel in London. A lovely, albeit tiny, room, clean, well appointed and breakfast included. I can't help but feel romantic stirrings in my heart as we are pampered by an attentive staff. The hotel is magnificent, oak panelling, velvet wallpaper, curlicues on the ceiling and crystal chandeliers.

The children, true to their ages, sit in their room fighting over chargers and adapters for their electronics while all around them is atmosphere I never even imagined at those years.

I know part of the magic of this is that I am free, momentarily, of the constraints of everyday life, but it feels so beautiful and natural being here. So much has come before and so many live here on top of all that history. rushing by it, numb to it's existence. The tourists keep the wonder alive, gaping with wide eyes at all that is London, architecture, art, history. All these things that make this unique experience. I am part of it too, with my foolish wide eyed enthusiasm. How lucky I am to be a part.

Chosen for no particular reason, there is something written for tonight, now I can hardly see, goodnight!

This horrible hotel

led us here, which was magical.

Day Fifty-One, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday Night

First the accomplishments, even with no list (which seems to have gone the way of the dodo, though yesterday I wish I had made one, maybe tomorrow).

1. Finished painting
 
All the painting I had wanted to complete and more is done. Besides the kitchen, Mama and I completed the bathroom and the dining room, two rooms that I hadn't even thought about. What really seems to be a bonus side effect of this endeavor is that I suddenly feel more confident and capable around painting. Now I am looking at the living room thinking I could patch and paint that room too, and it would feel so much nicer in there if it were painted. A mini bonus, I made executive decisions about changing paint colors after we had chosen colors together and TR liked the choices I made. Not that I can't make a decision without him, we just usually do those kinds of things together, and instead of being interrupted in the process of action because he wasn't available, I just decided to move forward, and he really liked what I chose. Which, secretly,  made me feel very pleased.

2. Took the maple-counter-top-leftover-piece to a woodworker to have it cut in half so we can use it as a back splash on the new red wall.

This may seem trivial but it was not cut in half in an easy do-it-yourself kind of way. We had it cut so that instead of x inches by x inches by 1 inch it is now two slabs of x by x by 1/2 inch. Over a year ago we asked a contractor that, at the time was doing jobs here and there for us, to do it and he couldn't. Well he said he would do it, but never did and I think in the end it proved to be more than he wanted to deal with. It was neat to watch it be done, and it took about 10 minutes to do. TR sealed it when we got home so all we need to do now is install it.

Those were the most notable achievements today. Besides those, I got to have lunch with TW which always makes me happy. There is something comforting about a friend who has known you through many phases of life and remembers you before you became what you are now (is your head spinning yet?). It was a lovely lunch down by the High School, the company was fab, the food was yummy, the afternoon sunny and joyful. A great date!

We managed to get the kitchen cleaned up enough after painting that we made dinner at home and Prima had FM over to work on a school project, so it was a fun, festive feeling evening, and after dinner the kids cleaned up, at least Primo did, and TR and I watched some silly things on TV that made us laugh and remember our childhood.

As I was getting ready to settle down and write this, I was thinking about A.A.Milne for some reason. He really is one of my favorite authors, and always has been. Winnie the Pooh, and all the friends in The Hundred Acre Wood are so gentle and the trials they go through are relatable to people of all ages. But it's not just the stories A.A. Milne tells, it's the way he tells them. So matter-of-factly, with no apologies or over explanations of anything. It's as if what he conveys in his poems and stories is just the way it is and he knows you understand that.

Okay this is turbo ending, TR just announced he is going to sleep, I'm going too so I don't miss out on goodnight time. So Goodnight!

Landscape kitchen with ceiling views

and portrait with molding views

Day Fifty, Eight Mondays Down

Wow! Eight Mondays since I stopped working, I have gotten more done than I thought I would but not as much as I dreamt about doing. I have seen friends that I suddenly had no time for when I was working, I have kept the house tidier than I ever did even before I started at that job, I have laughed more and griped less, I have had ups and downs but always came back to a strong, good place. this has been a wonderful seven weeks, and with one week to go on the count down and two weeks left until I was supposed to return to work, let's see how things unfold.

Tonight I was the representative for Prima's school at the Middle School Fair which took place at exwork. It was fun, I love that school and always enjoy the chance to share my thoughts on it with other people. Prima and BM came with me to share their thoughts and experiences with the families that  were there. I saw lots of people from exwork and it felt nice to be there, with people that I enjoy spending time with, sharing ideas and experiences, hearing about what they have been up to. For a moment I thought maybe, just maybe, I would like to go back to work. But then I wouldn't be able to do things like I did today which was...

Painting, painting, painting! Mama came for the weekend, which was a treat, but she also pushed me into high gear and yesterday we painted the far wall and the part between the kitchen and the dining room. Today we finished the wall that connects them, the bathroom, priming the rest of the kitchen and repainted the dining room wall and trim (which took FOREVER!) a lighter color. I still have to paint the primed area in the kitchen but then it will be just about completely done. There are a couple of odd bits that need to be figured out, but we're so close, and that feel fabulous! I love the way it looks, TR said he feels it looks almost European, which is funny because after I finished it, that's what I thought too. It feels much more elegant and grown up than it did partially, mostly, but not all the way finished. And the bathroom, man I can't believe it's taken me so long to do that, but it looks so much better all painted. No patches of tape showing through the mud, no drywall peeking through anymore. It's almost restful.

So that was the big accomplishment for the day. I plan on painting tomorrow, though I know I am easily sidetracked. As in, I was planning on measuring the windows in the cottage, and look how far I have gotten with that. But that is my plan nonetheless.

Another point of note is that I have reached over 400 pageviews as of today. As I have mentioned before I don't know who is reading or looking, but someone somewhere is. And interestingly enough, mostly in Canada now. Hello Canada! I did not start this blog to create a following (that seems like A LOT of commitment and I'm already married!) but it does please me to think that someone may be looking t what I am doing.

So I am off to bed now because I feel like my fingers are filled with sawdust and my eyes with sand. I cannot wait to see what tomorrow will bring! Hopefully a morning with plenty of kisses, like today. Goodnight!

Day at the beach

Day Forty-Nine, Sunday Evening

Daylight Savings Time over, as of today. Dark evening, sleepy times, everything is a bit off and we all seem slightly lethargic, Though the kitchen painting has begun.

Which leads me to the best task accomplishment of the month (note, it is November 2nd). We have painted the back and side wall of the kitchen. Tomorrow we will prep the ceiling and get ready to paint the rest of the kitchen. It looks much more finished and that is what we're aiming for!

Lacrosse evaluations were tonight, it's such an odd thing, standing, watching the boys play, chatting with parents and hoping, secretly, that their boy is cut before yours. I think Primo had a strong finish, he really seemed to warm up as he played. It's always a joy to watch him play lacrosse, he is so fluid in his movement, everything he does looks so effortless.

Now the evening is winding down to bedtime, the final activities of the day are finishing up and everyone is settling down to their pre-bedtime rituals, reading, watching a little something, sending a last minute email. Peace and quiet have taken over the household and we are preparing to re-charge for tomorrow.

This is the entry of the short paragraphs. I do not know why, but it seems that everything can be said in one or two sentences. I have felt kind of off today, maybe that's why, maybe I am having a harder time than usual gathering all my thoughts together. Maybe I am more easily distracted than usual. Maybe my ideas have fallen out of my head and I am just repeating what I've heard. Who knows, but here is another short paragraph.

I wish I could wax philosophical but today whenever I start thinking about the big thoughts that regularly entertain me, my first thought in response is, whatever, it doesn't really matter anyway. Sometimes I just can't get wrapped up in those things, like now, so instead I will go to bed. Goodnight!

leaded glass, Grand Royale at Hyde Park

Day Forty-Eight, Saturday Night No. 7 (Not To Be Confused With Boots No. 7)

 I always tell the kids that the hardest part about starting on a piece of writing, is worrying you don't know how to start and you should just start writing something, the rest will follow. That is my plan right now, let's see what happens....nothing. NO, no just kidding, I had a GREAT day and lots to write down, though it's kind of late and I'm super tired to I may go for the Reader's Digest version.

After breakfast, TR and I went up to the barn with Prima, we walked along while she rode on a trail ride. It was a beautiful day, the air was crisp and bright. Everything felt washed clean by yesterday's rain and I think the Horse was glad to be out of his stall, stretching his legs. We brought Mr. Nibs, he was all atremble at the sight of the horses, he has never seen such big animals, and the smells of the barn must have been fantastic for a pup whose universe spans the house and the backyard. He did very well after he finally got on the ground, no barking or being loud around the horses at all. It was neat to have him there, I may bring him more often.

After the walk/ride, we took the kids to the Outdoor Shopping Mall for a 'hang-out' and a date for Primo. I guess it was a date, all the kids called it that but I think it was more of an introduction. We dropped them off, grabbed a burger and then I suggested we do something we have never done before. So we drove up to the top of The Devil's Mountain. It was stunning. A little scary driving up (and back down) but the views were amazing and we could see all the storms in the distance. We could even hear the thunder as it roared away miles away from us. We explored the summit as much as we could and then drove home to collapse in a heap. All that thin atmosphere took it's toll on us (alright I AM exaggerating that). We came home and just as we were settling down to rest, the kids piled in the door, full of no details about their afternoon, but happy to be home.

All in all a good day, not much task achievement, but lots of wonderful experiences AND Mama is spending the weekend here, so we had a great day with her as well. We do love having her visit!

Now I am of to bed, we have decided to try to paint the kitchen tomorrow, yay! Here is a photo of the day. Goodnight.

Thunderhead in the distance