Day Thirty, Good-Night Ruby Tuesday

Today was a day of reminders. I was reminded that I am held in the heart of people that love me, and that if I am flailing in the doldrums, I need only to stretch out my hand to find my companion in the motor boat, ready to speed me away from the rocks. I was reminded that I am blessed in more ways than I can count, but not more ways than I am deserving of. I was reminded that, though I regularly forget it, the Little Prince is absolutely correct, "...what is essential is invisible to the eye". I was reminded of how much I love Mary Poppins weather, which is when the weather blows itself into what's coming next. I was reminded how sweet friendship can be. I was reminded  of goodness, and joy and satisfaction and hope. So I am reminded of the exhilaration of the anticipation of the future.

I made no list today, having complained, to my sister, bitterly of my talent for making lists and my appalling inability to follow through on them. Admittedly I was speaking of lists that I make regarding Big House Projects, but I decided to abandon the list for today.

I felt so bleak, and so defeated, I thought I would spend the day in bed, nursing a headache and a bad case of melancholy. I don't know what jump started me, but I changed direction and called LS and poured my heart out to her. She responded with support and tenderness, enough to whisk me through the melancholy, I went for a haircut and dye job and felt completely revitalized. When asked what I wanted to do with my hair, I did tell the Haircutter Lady that I wanted a haircut that made me 25 years younger and 50 pounds lighter. I never have done that before.

Now bed time has rolled around and I am remembering that I meant to start this blog so much earlier so I could do a bit more than recap the day and scoot off to bed. I am tucked snugly into my marshmallow bed and am ready to settle down into sleepytime. LS wrote me so many wonderful things today, so many healing words of love and wisdom, perhaps we came to this life together to make sure we get through it as intact as possible. Before I sneak away to bed I want to answer two things she brought up today.

One, and first, yes, yes, and yes, we do put other people's interests and priorities in front of our own and masquerade them as ours. We find our meaning in the importance of facilitating someone else's plans, hopes or desires, and then we are bewildered at how unfulfilled we are. We feel exhausted, and dis-engaged and wonder why we keep running faster but get no further. And I applaud that you noticed what a dis-service we are doing ourselves and I will be more mindful to give my interests, hopes and dreams the same serious regard I give to others. Thank you for helping me to see that.

Second, and secondly, LS looked over Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs with me today and discovered that we have two out five of the needs well in hand, and so are not, in fact, too far off from the goal of self actualization. Though when I read the comments on the web page she sent me the URL for, I became nervous that self actualization was actually insanity, as the comments were bizarre and made no sense to me what so ever. I am hoping that is NOT the case, but I probably won't find out until I am in that state, in which case I probably won't know or care that I am crazy cakes.

And with that, I bid a good night to any and all that are reading along this odd, 8 week journey with me and say, until tomorrow, goodnight!

The most beautiful view in the world

Day Twenty-Nine, Monday Night...Again

The List:

10/13

• Sweaters wash ( no)
• Groceries - list/shop (neither)
• Kitchen counters (no)
• Blank books (no)
• Bathroom ( teensy bit)
• Sweep (vacuumed instead)
• Call about mandarin (yes)

Not a great track record for today. I seem to be in the doldrums again, floundering on windless seas in a wind driven boat. I did call about our 2nd mortgage, to find out the terms, and while not favorable, they aren't as scary as I remember them being. Though, we do need to get on it ASAP. Mostly I had an Alexander type day and I am just waiting for it to be tomorrow so I can try again.

I thought I might give this blog up, since I don't appear to have a job to go back to, it seems a little pointless now, but TR encouraged me to at least complete it for the time I had allotted to it. So I will at least do that. I also think It's time for me to seriously purge, all the craft supplies, all the stuff I NEVER, EVER use but have to clean around. It seems I am the only person in the house that hates a dirty house, so if I am the only one to be picking up, at least I won't have to contend with so much stuff.

So that's it for today, a brief check in before I slip into the fantasy of the book I am reading, so Goodnight!

Father Ted's house

Day Twenty-Eight, Go Forth Sunday Night

The fourth Sunday since I started my leave, which I can now call something else, as I have heard neither hide nor hair from Former Boss if he will fight for me to come back, and I'm still not sure what I want to do. Sometimes things happen for the best.

TR played with the banjo band at a post wedding party, and I went to watch that. It was so beautiful, a picnic in the redwoods with live music, the sun filtered through the branches of majestic trees, stretching to the sky. I sat in a circle of redwoods, sheltered by their trunks listening to my husband play music, watching a community celebrate a marriage, it was truly idyllic. I went from that to lacrosse practice, watching my boy play a lazy day of lacrosse. I was so hot all the boys seemed to be playing in slow motion. And Primo wanted to leave early. We told him if he scored, we would leave right away. He did try, and when he didn't score after a long, determined run, he went back to more reserved playing. I think he resigned himself to staying for the whole practice.

Prima is at a sleepover, no school tomorrow and everyone here is exhausted. Tomorrow I am starting this blog earlier so I'm not checking in and then just saying goodnight. I have so many things in my head I want to write down, and when I get here, I'm so tired, all I think about is closing my computer and laying down.

Thant's my plan, goodnight Gracie!

Two views from The Badger's Den

(named for all the badgers we've never seen nearby)

Day Twenty-Seven, S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night!

I have meticulously planned out clean ups for the house, for the cottage, for the basement. I have made detailed lists, bought boxes and bags to pack up STUFF that I'm not sure what to do with, I have pulled up carpet, moved boxes from one place to another. I have bought construction and DEstruction supplies. I have bought, planned anguished, hoped, cried, discussed, started, but never finished any of these projects I want to execute. These things sit on me, haunt me, oppress me until I feel I cannot move at all. I am paralyzed by the sheer volume of projects that stand before me begging to be undertaken to completion. And here I sit, phone or iPod in hand attention buried in the screen, avoiding the reality of the situation.

I started this much earlier today and it is a good thing I did, because it is almost S-U-N-D-A-Y morning! It has been a beautiful day, again so many activities it seems like several days have been squished into one. We went to a "driveway sale" that RQ invited us to. I took Prima to the barn for her lesson, she fell off the horse today. Poor girl, it was a quick event, but she replayed it in her head, questioning her skill and ability. She did get right back on though, which is good. She will be sore tomorrow, and she's off to the Boardwalk, with PMM, so that might be a bit challenging. TR worked on the coolest novelty thunder maker to use with his banjo bass. He bought an amp at the yard sale, and when we got home he and the kids took turns playing guitar. I must say that I love the music that is in our house. It may not be as trained as other families, but it is full of enjoyment and satisfaction, and isn't that what it is really about? I went to an Arbonne party at PS's house, it was really for teenage girls, but Prima had an engagement tonight with PMM so I went for a bit in her stead. It was fun, the girls were so full of giggles and interest. I got to visit with PS which I haven't done in ever so, EVER so long. We used to hang out quite a bit. I am glad we reconnected.

Now TR is finishing up a double feature movie night we are/were enjoying with Primo. A double bill with "Shanghai Noon" and Shanghai Knights". It is so fun to watch Primo enjoying a movie. He gets so giggly, and you can see the excitement build in his entire body. He squirms and laughs and squeals with delight at the funny bits. He would probably hate that description, but I think it describes him. I do love to watch his complete enjoyment of life. If I hadn't had to come up to write this, I would have fallen asleep, I am exhausted. So I will make a couple of observations and then nighty-night.

First, I want to acknowledge that even though I spend a lot of time lamenting over what I don't have or haven't done, I know I have been incredibly fortunate in life. My man is the most amazing person I have known. Creative, tender, thoughtful, dashingly handsome, sweet, generous, loving...need I go on? I truly never though a relationship could be like this. My observations of the adults around me led me to believe that it would be better to be alone than to muck through a relationship. My children are wondrous beings, beautiful, intuitive, creative, interesting, compassionate, loving, I often tell people they are the best project I have ever done, and I am not completely kidding, they really are! My house though small, is comfortable to live in and can be cleaned up rather quickly. There IS a cottage, if I choose to fall to action and spruce it up. I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, and the neighborhood I live in smalls good and is full of bird choruses by day and frog choruses by night, Though sometimes there are owl concerts instead of frogs. I have good food, good fun, a good garden despite the fact I don't really do much to it. So I just want to say, life IS good.

Second, I forgot what I wanted to say second, so I will let this be the finale, I have checked in, no list, some things done, much contentment and satisfaction. Goodnight!

going with Moomintroll again. 

Day Twenty-Six, Fabulous Friday Night

My emotions are bigger than I can contain, I find myself caught up in them and swept away in joy or wonder or sadness or sometimes just being. It's a funny feeling, my emotions fill my chest until I think it will burst, and it's hard to breathe around them. My whole self becomes so much more sensitive to everything around me, the trees are greener, the light filters from the sun more dreamily, everything seems to sparkle with life, and, no matter what the emotion is, when I just can't contain it anymore, it leaks out of my eyes and trickles in narrow rivulets down my cheeks to my chin, dripping away from me.

Today was a gratifying day, many of my tasks were checked off and the overall feeling of the day was accomplishment. The list read thusly:

• Bills
• Blank books
• Unpack
• Bank-deposit
• Make appointment for the mandarin
• Start paint planning
• Schedule well check for  Primo
• Order more lavender

I did everything but make the mandarin appointment and order more lavender. The mandarin will probably have to wait until Monday, lavender can be ordered anytime, being an online thing. The blank books are started, it may take a bit of time to get it sorted but at least it is out there!

Painting...I did go to get the supplies, but I checked in with my mom and she said she would come help me paint, and since she has lots of experience and enjoys it, I happily accepted her offer and it will happen the week after next.

Primo was home today, and it is always a treat to get to spend one-on-one time with my children. He makes the most wonderful observations about the world and today he was tickled to be allowed to have a painter's mask from the hardware store. He has worn it all day and would probably try to sleep in it if he thought he could. He finds delight in the simplest things, sometimes his charms are lost in the bustle of everyday life. I am so glad of a day here and there that I am reminded of the wonder of him.

Two notable things happened today. The first and most unexpected but wondrous thing came from TR. I was lamenting about how this time off of work seems to be running out and I feel like I have lost my momentum, that I was getting things done but after returning from visiting LS, I am tired and aimless and feel like I have been scattered in the wind. He sat with me for the better part of an hour, not only consoling me, but helping me reflect on what my ultimate goals are. He suggested things that not only were insightful on their own standing, but showed that he knows me far better than I thought he did. I mean, knows what my most secret, unmentioned dreams are and said them to me in a completely supportive, nonjudgemental way that left me feeling loved and understood in a way I never expected to be, in my whole life. As I sat there listening to him, I realized that I am not alone, that all this time I have been searching for meaning in life, all this time I have felt lost and bewildered by life, he has been right there with me, listening, and paying attention to who I am. And so I see today that I am not lost, I am right here, hand in hand with my true love, who stands by me in the stormiest of times and celebrates with me in the most joyful of times. I am not alone, I am loved.

Next up was the email from my umbrella employer stating that my request for leave was denied, that my separation was processed and if I want the job back, I have to apply for it again. Coincidentally one of the topics this morning was the job, how I felt about returning and how he felt about my returning. My stand has become that the longer I am away from it, the less compelled I feel to return. His opinion is that he does not want me to go back to a job that exploits me while allowing a co-worker to cause me unhappiness. It did seem like uncanny timing. Since I found out, I have been ruminating over the lack of communication by my ex-boss after the notification was sent out. Part of me is a bit hurt, after all the exclamations of how much I am needed and how important I am there, I would have at least thought he would have checked in to reassure me that I will be brought back in. But at the same time, I am relieved, at this point I am not sure I will pursue going back, and since I am officially let go, I am not obligated to. I don't even need to check in, I am as free of them as I will ever be at this moment. I was tempted to email a snarky message, citing the delinquency of the secretary submitting the paperwork, but I decided against it. If I am done, I will be done. I do't need to say anything to him at all and if he is surprised that I don't come back, that's on him. Phew, I feel relieved!

And so, I can continue my ongoing achievements without worrying about running out of time. My time belongs to me again. Yay!

Now for a goodnight photo and a little reading and some sleep. Mmmm, sleep sounds so good tonight.

this 

is

a

series, the flight of the bumblebee

P.S. Ordering the lavender now...

Day Twenty-Five, Stayin' Alive on Thursday Night

Too bad it isn't Saturday Night! The title would have worked do much better with Saturday Night in there somewhere. So where to start (maybe with a typing class, but I digress), so many things going on today, it feels like I have experienced a whole week in this one day.

A lovely visit with my mom, a doctor visit with Prima, a trip to the barn, kid pick up, signing up to conduct a tour at the high school, visiting with a friend, school meeting, lovely dinner with my family. A full and satisfying day to say the least.

I did make a micro list today, on it were four things, it is down on the counter and I am up in bed so once again, list ála memory.

• Call Dr. J re:appointment for Prima
• Contact MP regarding offer to lead a tour
• Go to the bank
• Organize blank books

Two out of four is 50%, which is good on one hand but not so much as a grade in a class. So I'll look at it in the most positive light I can and also say that number one, calling the doctor was to confirm an appointment I thought was for tomorrow, that turned out to be for today. I am giving myself a couple of extra points for keeping that together. The doctor's office had called, but since I wasn't home, and the message wasn't clear enough to hear, so it was deleted, I had NO idea it was for today. Also, I think I have mentioned organizing blank books or journals or something of that sort before and it may seem like an odd goal, but I have SO many of them, I need to weed some out!

I really do have a strange compulsion for journal type books. I do like to write, and whenever I see one that looks good I but it. I buy them for the kids,  Prima, because she is a writer in school, I know she needs new ones regularly and Primo because he loves making field guides and instruction book and collections of super-hero-ish characters he invents. Our house is so full of them and whenever I resolve to clean them out, I promise to be firm, yet as soon as i hold one that I have written three entries in, I decide it's still good, cut the used up pages out ( putting them away to transcribe into one master journal later) and put it in the bookcase as a good, new, blank book. I actually wrote a journal entry all about my passion for blank books. My obsession doesn't show any signs of stopping. I bought a beautiful book at Liberty in London last summer. I decided I would write a complete book in it, but it is so beautiful, I can't bear to put a mark in it. My Auntie made me a wonderful little journal, with my name and the year stamped on it. When I told her how hard it is for me to feel anything is good enough to write in a special book like that, she told me it would sadden her to think of that book left empty. So I really do write in it. I carry it with me and pull it out of my purse, jotting down thoughts as they flicker through my mind. Okay, moving on.

Tomorrow I am planning on getting back into the swing of things with a real list and setting aside some time to go back and read through this blog so I can take stock of what I have done so far and refocus on what I would like to accomplish with the time I have left. As I count it, I have four weeks left. And while I have gotten more done than I would have without the blog, I haven't done a big project yet, and time is slipping by me. I think since I am going back to work, I really will look for a house cleaner. If I can keep the house tidy and organized, I am ready to use some of my paycheck to pay a house cleaner.

I want to plan a yard sale. I want to paint the kitchen. I want to start writing a book. I want to clean out the cottage. I want to get the yard together. I want to finish the basement. I want to clean out my room. I want to go to sleep! So first things first, Goodnight!

One of my favorite flowers, Californian 

and Alaskan.

Day Twenty-Four, Home Sweet Wednesday Home

While I adore my sister and her family, and was greatly enjoying visiting with her father-in-law as well, I must admit that there is nothing like the sight of my own family to make my heart soar. I guess Prima really missed me too because she came to the airport to pick me up and actually hugged me for a long time. Primo opted to stay home, no big surprises there, he never wants to go out, but I did kiss him when I got home, despite his grown up coolness.

After meeting a friend of LS's who has written a self-help book (that LS gave me), I realized that all you need to write a book is an idea and to write it. So I think I will start writing in earnest. Maybe I can take a workshop to try to figure out the mechanics of keeping it going past the first idea. But if LS's friend can write a book on self help, me too, well not on self help. But I thought I could write the fictional story I've had in my head for so long, or one about living from a standpoint of love and compassion. I think I can do this.

It is so late, I'm afraid that this is yet another short entry. But it does serve the purpose of documenting that I am keeping to my word everyday. Though I had almost forgotten, and did entertain the thought of doing it in the morning instead of getting out of bed, getting my computer, starting it up etc. No I am blogging everyday even if it's just to say I've done it.

Photo time and good night. Tonight I am going to post the other photo I suggested last night when TD  told me that one should always go with Moomintroll, so here's what lost out. A silly favorite of mine. Good-night.

Outside the Art School