Today was a gratifying day, many of my tasks were checked off and the overall feeling of the day was accomplishment. The list read thusly:
- Bills
- Blank books
- Unpack
- Bank-deposit
- Make appointment for the mandarin
- Start paint planning
- Schedule well check for Primo
- Order more lavender
Painting...I did go to get the supplies, but I checked in with my mom and she said she would come help me paint, and since she has lots of experience and enjoys it, I happily accepted her offer and it will happen the week after next.
Primo was home today, and it is always a treat to get to spend one-on-one time with my children. He makes the most wonderful observations about the world and today he was tickled to be allowed to have a painter's mask from the hardware store. He has worn it all day and would probably try to sleep in it if he thought he could. He finds delight in the simplest things, sometimes his charms are lost in the bustle of everyday life. I am so glad of a day here and there that I am reminded of the wonder of him.
Two notable things happened today. The first and most unexpected but wondrous thing came from TR. I was lamenting about how this time off of work seems to be running out and I feel like I have lost my momentum, that I was getting things done but after returning from visiting LS, I am tired and aimless and feel like I have been scattered in the wind. He sat with me for the better part of an hour, not only consoling me, but helping me reflect on what my ultimate goals are. He suggested things that not only were insightful on their own standing, but showed that he knows me far better than I thought he did. I mean, knows what my most secret, unmentioned dreams are and said them to me in a completely supportive, nonjudgemental way that left me feeling loved and understood in a way I never expected to be, in my whole life. As I sat there listening to him, I realized that I am not alone, that all this time I have been searching for meaning in life, all this time I have felt lost and bewildered by life, he has been right there with me, listening, and paying attention to who I am. And so I see today that I am not lost, I am right here, hand in hand with my true love, who stands by me in the stormiest of times and celebrates with me in the most joyful of times. I am not alone, I am loved.
Next up was the email from my umbrella employer stating that my request for leave was denied, that my separation was processed and if I want the job back, I have to apply for it again. Coincidentally one of the topics this morning was the job, how I felt about returning and how he felt about my returning. My stand has become that the longer I am away from it, the less compelled I feel to return. His opinion is that he does not want me to go back to a job that exploits me while allowing a co-worker to cause me unhappiness. It did seem like uncanny timing. Since I found out, I have been ruminating over the lack of communication by my ex-boss after the notification was sent out. Part of me is a bit hurt, after all the exclamations of how much I am needed and how important I am there, I would have at least thought he would have checked in to reassure me that I will be brought back in. But at the same time, I am relieved, at this point I am not sure I will pursue going back, and since I am officially let go, I am not obligated to. I don't even need to check in, I am as free of them as I will ever be at this moment. I was tempted to email a snarky message, citing the delinquency of the secretary submitting the paperwork, but I decided against it. If I am done, I will be done. I do't need to say anything to him at all and if he is surprised that I don't come back, that's on him. Phew, I feel relieved!
And so, I can continue my ongoing achievements without worrying about running out of time. My time belongs to me again. Yay!
Now for a goodnight photo and a little reading and some sleep. Mmmm, sleep sounds so good tonight.
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| series, the flight of the bumblebee |
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