Day Sixteen, Tuesday Night

My third free Tuesday, and my third major task completed, today we dropped the OBC off at the dismantlers and it is gone from us. I did cry on the way home, I do have such a hard time with endings, and I know it's just a car, but it's the car we chose to protect our babies in. It took us to visit family, it took us to collect berries for jam, it took us to the zoo and habitot, it took us to the beach and carried Christmas trees home for us. We brought the kids' bunk beds home in it and moved to our house from the apartment in it. It even caught fire on a road trip once. We had a great run and great fun with that car, I had no problem selling any other car we've gotten rid of, but this was our first family car, we have grown so much with that car.

So now moving forward, I can see my sorrow at changes and endings but with each end, there is a new beginning and we already have new cars that we enjoy and do a wonderful job. We can use the money we will get from the car to help pay for the horse, which will be a new chapter in the story of our life.

I'm tired and I'm going to bed now. An early night now and again can't hurt!

View from a Meadow

Day Fifteen, Monday: Take Three

The list as it read in real life today:

• Quick bathroom clean
• Finish up laundry (in real life I left off the part about ironing, I knew that was too ambitious!)
• Call furniture donation station
• Call re: OBC ?
• High School volunteer
• Clear out in front of bedroom bookcase
• Jr/Sr Mtg High School
• TR pick up
• Clean out fridge

Let me first run down the list for what I didn't do today. I did NOT: call about OBC, volunteer at the High School ( the teacher never contacted me back), clean out in front of the bookcase,  attend the Jr/Sr meeting ( back to school night is this week, I cannot do two school meetings in one week!),  OR clean out the fridge.

I DID, give the bathroom a quick clean, finish my laundry (sans ironing) and wash and dry all the kids laundry ( I couldn't take it anymore), pick up TR, clean the kitchen (most thoroughly) AND best of all I called the furniture donation station and they TOOK THE SIDEBOARD AWAY!!!

It's gone, completely out of the house and there is a big space where it was. Of course the dining room looks like the sideboard threw up on it before it left. There is flotsam and jetsam everywhere, which will be part of tomorrow's task, clearing the decks.

I feel good, I can see a bit more clearly what I have accomplished and I think I may have realized something about myself. I think that no matter how hard I work or how much I do accomplish, I still feel like I haven't done anything, I feel I am, hopeless, useless as if I am running in place. Maybe this is why I am always hesitant to try anything, it won't change anything. My efforts will be for nought and I might as well sit on the couch enjoying someone else's story. I have noticed that when I am playing the silly video game on my phone that my, usually, hyperactive thinking parts are blissfully quiet. It really is the only time that I am aware that my mind is quiet. Perhaps that is why I seek it out, maybe I need that absolute silence every now and then. I have found that even when I try to 'meditate' ( I use mini-quotes because it is never really meditative for me) my mind rushes in a million directions at once, as usual, but I am trying to contain them and push them back down and the dialog in my head is worse than if I don't 'meditate' at all, ever. Mosaics was an art form in which I found a great deal of peace and silence. Maybe I should break out my tools and finish up that project I started 3 or 4 years ago.

So sideboard...gone, piano...gone (but not forever), OBC...out the door tomorrow. Those are three pretty big tasks that I have been wanting to take care of for some time. The house is noticeably different and once I weed through all the little bits left behind, it will look even better.

Tomorrow I will also take Prima to look for a dress to wear to a fancy party she has been invited to. I do love shopping with her, it is one time that she really opens up and shares all sorts of things about herself, her feelings about things, her observations about life, plans she's cooking up. I love it!

TR and I had a looong talk this morning about how I try to take care of all the people around me and because they are so used to it, they never think twice about asking for a little more. It gets overwhelming sometimes and I find myself unable to say no, trying to fit more and more in, getting more and more stressed out until I am crying from one errand to the next. I have been mindful of setting funny boundaries lately (though not with my children, because I can hardly ever say no to them). I didn't offer to cover the cost of the whole month's payment for the horse, even though I could have and C wasn't sure she would have the money tomorrow. I felt selfish, and feel selfish writing it down here, but that is the kind of thing I always do and then I can't get back out of it. The other person forgets the deal we have struck after I have bailed them out and I don't know how to remind them they still need to hold up their end of the bargain. So I must let myself off the hook for saving everybody all the time, and also give other people a chance to be the savers (having nothing to do with thrift stores) once in a while.

So ends another entry, keeping me on task and on target (whatever that maybe) if nothing else, I am doing this everyday, as I had planned and stated I would do. Good Night!

Alaska inspired mosaic vase, outside

and inside!

Day Fourteen, Sunday Night: Six Weeks To Go

Doldrums 1: a spell of listlessness or despondency, 2 often capitalized : a part of the ocean near the equator abounding in calms, squalls and light shifting winds, 3: a state or period of inactivity, stagnation, or a slump, 4: see me today.

I am in the doldrums. The sideboard seems to be growing larger and taking up more room everyday. Now I am just piling things on it again. I feel a bit like Rabbit in "Winnie The Pooh" when Pooh gets stuck in Rabbit's front door and has to slim down before he can be pulled out, so Rabbit uses Pooh's legs to dry his dishtowels. The sideboard has become Winnie The Pooh. Tomorrow I AM going to call the furniture store to see if I can donate it and they will pick it up. If not...kindling?

I tried to do all sorts of things but there seems to still be a cork in my creative jar. Nothing will come out. I tried a blanket, I tried a necklace. At one point I just sat in the studio looking all all the stuff I have to make neat things with. I ended up making a necklace out of buttons and ribbon. I have been reduced to pre-school crafts. Maybe a good project would be to fix up the cottage and start having monthly craft sessions with friends. I imagine it would inspire me and use up a fair amount of supplies as well.

I can't really think of a single productive thing I did today, no wait, I did sort out all the felted cashmere squares I have prepared. I am hoping to make a blanket this week. I chucked the blue one I made that His Nibs chewed to pieces ( really what was I thinking? I gave him a bit of felted cashmere as a lovey when he was a puppy and he chewed it to bits. It was only a matter of time before the blanket went too!). He seems to have outgrown his chewing habit, so I think I'm safe replacing it now.

Besides that really nothing. I went to Primo's practice where he played admirably and got a shout out from the coach at the end of practice. He scored his first goal, all on his own! He was so proud and pleased, he twinkled all over. He also got checked pretty hard, but shook it off. I held back every mother bone in my body when he went down. I don't think anyone noticed me start to jump up and force myself back down. The last thing he needs is an over-reactive mommy making a fuss at practice.

So that leads me to doldrums, really, the inactivity is appalling with me at the moment. even with this blog I feel like I am dragging ideas out of myself. I will say that I was in my Bitter Heart state today. In this state I am not exactly a hater, I am just bitter towards everyone and everything. People move to slow or push to hard on me. I'm not really satisfied with anything and I make a lot of snarky remarks when I am experiencing Bitter Heart. Right in the middle of it I ran into a woman that I really like, who is one of the most zen, spiritually peaceful people I have ever met. I took it as a sign of hope. Even in my most hateful state of mind, sweet things can happen. It made me cry a little bit to feel so loved by the universe. Then I went right back to bitter me. Oh well I guess there is always tomorrow!

I am going to list goals tonight so I am all raring to go in the morning. For my household's general well being and continued comfort I plan on:

• A cursory cleaning of the bathroom
• Finishing up laundry ( including, dare I add it, ironing my favorite shirt)
• Calling about furniture donation
• (maybe) calling to confirm appointment for OBC
• Volunteering if I am needed (at Prima's school)
• Clearing out my room in front of the book case
• JR/SR meeting at Big Kid school

I can't think of anything else. Maybe I will be stuck by inspiration tomorrow!

Dublin, Ireland

P.S. I have been meaning to say that even though I write this blog assuming NO ONE is reading, there must be someone in the wide world looking in, because the times-viewed-number keeps going up. Hello to you!

Day Thirteen, Saturday Night

I haven’t made a list at all today, instead I was up and at ‘em early-ish and making breakfast for the family before I ran off to C’s for a horse meeting. I didn’t bring Prima and when I got there, C said “Oh no, she NEEDS to be here too.” She rang Prima up and told her to come on over. That child walked over immediately. Clearly I just need other adults to tell my children what to do!

The meeting was great. S is pleased to have us all taking over the horse, everything will stay the same for him, so she knows all his needs will be taken care of. We have the transitional ease of an owner that has already researched a vet and a farrier and all those necessary things so we don’t have to go through all that trial and error. It will cost half of what I thought, which is a HUGE load off my mind and it creates a safe environment for Prima to learn about horses. Guided by two women who like her, and are willing to spend the time helping her forge her horsemanship. So that all seems to be going well, neat and tidy and needing very little rearranging from me.

I am absolutely stuck with the sideboard. I walked downstairs this morning and groaned (internally of course). I can feel myself getting more and more short tempered and irritable the longer it sits there. Thinking about it, I would guess that it’s because I want so much for it to be different and it’s not happening fast enough. And now I can’t see the end of the project anymore so I am seeing ALL the places in the house that are disappointing me. The living room is dusty and needs to be vacuumed. My bedroom looks like a 17 year old lives in it (I do so wish I could get ALL of the home office type stuff OUT!), junk lying everywhere on top of everything. The kids’ rooms are messy, the basement has a big empty space but every other corner is CRAMMED with stuff.

Sometimes I wish that I could close my eyes and when I opened them all the stuff would be gone. I mean all of it. I wouldn’t even notice it missing if I didn’t have to look at while I was getting rid of it. It’s that moment in between deciding to get rid of something and it resting in my hand when I find I can’t let it go after all. But if the house were suddenly empty, would I remember all of the things that had been in it before? Would I really miss every sheet of stickers or every book or all the craft supplies that I buy but am feel I am too poor of an artist to use? With each bit of open space I feel a little more sanity creep into my mind. I have just a teeny bit more room in my psyche for neat ideas with the removal of every piece of clutter. Maybe the lethargy is brought on by the chaos of that clutter. Maybe it affects my children too. Maybe it’s time for radical change. Maybe I should put all the absolutely irreplaceable things away and invite all my friends over to take one thing away, one thing to make them think of me and me think of them. Maybe that would satisfy my emotional need enough to stop clutching stuff to my bosom.

In reading back through this blog, I noticed that when I came up against an obstacle with the OBC, I stalled out. I felt so unsure and deflated. It affected my mood on many levels, including my coping skills with my relationships and ability to push through my projects. The day I got that call, I had actually started clearing out the sideboard and after the call, put everything back as it had been because I felt so deflated. Now, I am facing the obstacle of a large piece of furniture that is too heavy for me to move and I don't know how I am going to get it out of my house. I haven't done anything significant with that project since I came up against that problem. Not to say I have ignored it completely (it is in the MIDDLE of my house) and I did manage to sort through the artwork that I have been ignoring for years, but it IS still in the middle of the house, and I had planned on it being gone by now.

After the barn we came home and had a wonderful visit with D & S. We sat and visited at the house for a while and then went to yummy Korean dinner and stopped for ice cream bars on the way home and then home to watch "Say Anything". It was lovely, I was so glad to see them again. It's funny to spend almost three consecutive weeks together and then not see them for months. Hopefully it won't be so long until next time. 

I also had a magical parenting moment today, though the proof will be in the pudding , as they say, I will have to wait to see if it had any real effect. Here's what happened:

When I arrived home from the barn, TR told me that he found the boys sneaking into the basement, taking sodas and climbing into Primo's window with them, and he didn't know what to do. My first instinct was to wait until R went home and scold Primo about it. But instead I called both boys to the table and told them that I knew what they did, asked them for their thoughts on it and asked them to work on a solution we could all live with. I mentioned that I didn't want to have to limit the time they hung out together and unless they trusted me, and behaved in a trustworthy way I couldn't keep them safe. They came up with a solution and everything seemed to work out fine. I hope that they really heard what I was saying, and will change their behavior so that they can continue to have sleepovers and hangouts. The oddest part of it is that if they had asked TR for the drinks, he would have said yes. I don't know why they got all stealthy and sneaky.

I think I am off to bed, no, I know I am off to bed. Nighty Night!

Crab shells, beach near Ard Mhuiris, Inis Mor

Day Twelve, Friday Nighty Night!

Here's what I planned: get up, get ready to tackle my day, make breakfast for the kids, start tackling my day with phone calls, super action towards finishing the sideboard and of course the DVDs. Start really putting together a plan for a Big Project. Investigate shelves...all sorts of wonderfully active actions that would get me just that much closer to my goal of accomplishing SOMETHING.

Here's what happened: got up, got a text from Mr.D asking if I could come help out with some stuff at exwork, said yes, no one wanted breakfast, I made a list (ever hopeful that I would be home early enough to do something) and I got ready to go help out and did just (and I mean just) that. I ended up there until it was time to do the Middle Kid Pick Up. I'm not even sure what I did that was helpful, though I DID see a lot of people that I miss, and that makes it worth it right there.

the List of Friday September 26th reads like this: (super ambitious ?)

• Mr.D's coffee (not at all like Mr. B's Ballroom)
• Sideboard sorting
• Call possible places to donate sideboard
• Middle Kid Pick Up
• Big Kid Pick Up
• email Ms. S re: volunteering Monday
• Barn after school
• Frozen
• Blog-reflection on talks with Primo (plastic bags)

It does seem a bit hopeful to have a list that long, knowing I am going in to exwork. I really must have known in my heart of hearts that I wouldn't really follow through. I did help out with the coffee, it turned out to be more of a social coffee than an informative gathering. I think he has the right intention, we just have to work on informing the community and presentation. I did all my pick ups and went to the barn and even stayed while Prima rode. In addition and not on the list, I prepared a return to amazon, got TR's renewal in the mail, went to see an outdoor, sing-along showing of Frozen with lots of friends and folded laundry.

Okay so I am going to jump right into the last item on my list. Talks with Primo...for years Primo has been my captive audience in the car, spending many car rides alone with me after I have dropped off all the other children I was carting around and traveling to his destination. It seem that most often I end up chatting with him about funny ideas that travel through my mind. All sorts of things, reflections on subjects ranging from historical observations to ideas bordering on theoretical physics. Today he came to me as we were getting ready to go and told me that only 1 billionth ( I think that's the amount he said) of all the matter created by the Big Bang ( I have always loved that name) still exists. He then started explaining each point, how much matter there had been, that everything is made from the same matter and is basically recycled over and over again, and then, it looked like he had a light bulb realization, he explained how if all matter was in a closed system, it didn't make a difference how materials were made, whether found already or manmade or man altered, EVERYTHING was natural because no new matter was introduced. It is all from the same batch and therefore is all still part of the same system. His example of it was plastic.

He often comes up with interesting ideas like that, and while I know he isn't the first person to have ever thought that, it does seem intuitive of an 8th grader to make that connection on his own. He continually amazes and delights me. He is a truly sparkly human being and not only that, he was awarded student of the month this month!

I am tired, both physically and emotionally. I and toddling off to bed. More on sideboards and DVDs tomorrow.

Disneyland ducklings

Day ("but ours go to") Eleven, Thursday Evening

Today started with a bit of humor. As the alarm tried, vainly, to rouse me from the slumber I had finally fallen into, a thought struck me and I panicked. I didn't attend to the bills yesterday and now since it was Friday, I was too late and the second mortgage would be late and all because I was a bit lazy and let it slide yesterday. I got up, rushed in to wake the children and ran downstairs to attend to finances before I was any later. I logged into our account and tried, with sleepy eyes in need of progressive lenses, to see what I needed to attend to. I noticed that the pay date read 9/26. "That's funny", I remarked to TR, "if you enter everything in early enough it thinks it's still the day before". He seemed a little confused so I explained how the pay date was 9/26 and usually it was at least one day after I entered in all the requests. I glanced over at the calendar and realized that it WAS the day before. I had completely bought into the early-morning-not-actually-fully-conscious-panic-attack syndrome, that I suffer from more and more frequently. So I paid everything, am not late with anything, and at 7:00am could scratch;

• Pay bills

off my list.

SO here's the list of ambitions I made today:

• Pay bills
• DVDs ( remember what I said about that one?)
• Brek with E&C
• Sub @ exwork
• Keep on sideboarding
• LAUNDRY!
• Middle Kid pick up
• Big Kid pick up
• List 10 things you love ( this was included because I was feeling blue this morning)

I did pay bills, have breakfast with E&C, subbed before and after breakfast, pick up ALL the kids I was meant to, and made a silly love list. DVDs will go on the list tomorrow, I can't remember what I did with sideboard stuff, one little tiny thing that made me feel a bit better about not having really sorted at all. Oh yeah, I sorted out the stamps, because I needed one, but still they are all organized in one place.

I got a lot of good advice from E&C about arranging my house and life the way I want them to be. Sometimes for me it really helps to see other people on their journey, to hear their hopes and disappointments. I can see that my own experiences aren't isolated and that attaining my dreams is possible. I see that while I am not at either end of the spectrum of life, I am in the spectrum of life and more and more I can see the direction I want to move in.

I spent a good 3 hours at exwork today. I felt very appreciated, with each "Miss Z!", I heard shouted out by an affectionate child, I missed it more and more. I dropped off the paperwork requesting a leave of absence, so we'll see what happens.

I seem to have hit a wall tonight, perhaps it is because I am writing on the couch while TR is watching in interesting documentary on Jazz. It's hard not to listen and think about what is going on on the screen. Life was so different then. I wonder what a person from now would do if they found themselves suddenly transported to then. Okay, I really have hit the wall, I'm out for tongiht. Accountability had been taken care of for today. Tomorrow I'm off to look at shelves so I can organize the basement some.

Good night

I want to make this!

Day Ten, Wednesday Again

Darn, I forgot the list downstairs and I am waayy to lazy at this time of night to go get it, so tonight I will have list à la memory. Here's what I think I wrote down:

• Momma in the morning
• Keep working on the sideboard
• Bills
• DVDs
• Kitchen Drawers
• And something else I can't remember
• Maybe two things I have forgotten the details of

Okay so Here's what really happened. I did in fact work on the sideboard, sorting all morning, and even after Momma came over I worked while we visited. She must have the patience of Job,  listening to me talk while sorting through my children's artwork from years gone by. I know each sentence would trail off dreamily ( that word is only used to express the tonality of my voice, in real life I think it must have been annoying!) as I started reading some enchanting poem or story Prima or Primo wrote ( just in case there are actual readers out there, I did NOT really name my children one and one, these are just pseudonyms to keep them from being mobbed by fans when they are in public). I'm sure it took all my mother's strength to keep herself from lunging across the room and tearing what ever was distracting me out of my hands so I would finish the sentence. But I digress. The art and other memorabilia is all sorted out so that part is done. Now I only have to sort through...the rest of it.

So, yes , item no. 1, my mother came for a visit, which was delightful and the company while I worked, was very welcome. We chatted and ate sandwiches and shared a root beer with lunch. It was a lovely visit, though she wasn't feeling well and I always feel a little helpless when she is having what she terms a "bad body day" because there is nothing I can do for her.

I did not look at bills, this must be done tomorrow! And that's all I have to say about that.

DVDs, are still in a dusty stack, just like yesterday, I have neither moved or dusted them. This item will continue to go on the list until I do it just to keep it from going on the list again! But at least I know of one thing that will be on my list tomorrow.

I was inspired to add kitchen drawers today, when I was looking ( well digging actually) through one of the two  junk drawers we have in the kitchen. So I added it, thinking that it wouldn't take long and I could probably consolidate the two into one and have an extra utensil drawer, or something wonderful like that. HA! I didn't even look at them, except to grab a pen to write something on the calendar. Oh well, there is always tomorrow.

Since I know there were more items on the list but can't remember what they are, I think it's safe to say that I didn't do them. But I will keep them in mind when crafting tomorrow's task pool.

Here's a funny accomplishment that I just realized, I didn't eat out at all today. In fact I don't think I left the house other than the walk I took with Prima after dinner. And oddly, I didn't mind at all. Usually I get super stir crazy when I've been home all day. Also, we had vegan dinner tonight because Prima wants to have vegan Wednesdays for herself, so we will have vegan dinner Wednesday nights in solidarity. Though the rest of us had decidedly non-vegan after dinner nibbles, she was a total trooper and didn't give into temptation.

Overall it was a medium productive day, I am still moving forward with projects even though they are moving slower than I had hoped. I keep thinking that I should have accomplished more than I have and that at the end of this time off I will have wasted two, precious months of time off. Although, I haven't turned in my request for a leave of absence and no one is beating down my door for it. Maybe this will be permanent ?!?

I will keep to the list format at least through this week, and maybe starting next week, I will look at the list of big projects I made earlier and set one of those as a big goal. Something flashy to be excited about and proud of in November.

Dandelion Disney style

and Alaskan style

P.S. I LOVE dandelions, and they are always welcome in my garden. : )

Day Nine, Tuesday Night

Whew, what a day! Today there was a list, though a very ambitious one and it was a day on an emotional roller coaster. At one point I told my mother I was so angry I'd rather beat the OBC with a sledgehammer and set fire to it, rather than hand it over to Pick'N'Pull. Probably named so because you want to pull your hair out after picking them to deal with! But more on that later, first the list:

• Contact my friend to wish her a happy birthday
• Piano
• Sideboard
• DVDs
• OBC to PNP
• CSA 3:15-5
• Big kid pick up

Let me address these point by point. I did, in fact, wish my friend happy birthday via Facebook. Which is a wonderfully convenient way to send out all those sweet thoughts I have, the traditional post office way has not worked so well for me! I also happened to notice on Facebook that it was my niece's birthday. Which I have written on the calendar and have every year since she was born, so I don't know why it's always a surprise when it  creeps up on me! Nevertheless, I called and sent her lots of birthday love and I think she was pleased.

Piano. Yes, it finally happened. We had the piano moved to CC's house and it was an amazing event. Two guys showed up and danced the piano up and over the threshold, around the corner, down the stairs, across the pockmarked driveway and into their truck. They truly are artists. As they worked they constantly spoke and responded to each other. They knew exactly how much space they needed for each maneuver. They were courteous, respectful, professional and were even awed by TR's banjo bass. When I pay someone to do a job and they exceed my expectations, I always feel like it was money well spent. They even took the bin of piano rolls with them. We are very happy customers!!

Which leads into sideboard. I was so excited at the thought of having a place to put the sideboard until I get rid of it, I unpacked the whole thing, dragged it out into the middle of the living/dining area and then had to go to Costco, so I would be done in time to do my pick up. I did the Costco run, including gas, stopped into TJ's picked up the big kids, I even stopped to get the CSA box on my way to drop off my carpool child. And when I walked in the door I was raring to go ( after we all put away the supplies I had just brought home) and TR looked at me with disbelief. "You didn't really think we could move that downstairs ourselves did you" ( can you hear the soft chuckle as he says it?) "that thing is way to heavy for the two of us."

I thought back to the day we brought it home, ahhh, I do seem to remember three adult men and two adult women helping move it. Darn, darn and darn! I was all set to get it out today. I even measured the space to make sure it would fit. And now it sits stubbornly in the middle of the house, blocking everything, surrounded by masses of stuff I should have filtered out long ago. Darn. Okay so that's half done. Doesn't Mary Poppins have a saying about half done? Oh yes, "well begun is half done" so I'm at least Mary Poppins-ish with my sideboard project.

DVDs, no nothing got done on them at all. I am beginning to thing that  I will be buried in a coffin made of DVD boxes. I don't know why we can't get rid of them. We even bought a dedicated ha

rd drive to copy the movies onto so we could pass on the DVDs. But as with so many things in my life, that object sits gathering dust too. I should just put it downstairs with the DVDs so they can gather the same dust. Or at least be dusted at the same time. Seriously I hate the movie stack in from of the trunk where the media playing machines live. I guess it's about half as tall as it was, but if it were gone completely I would enjoy it so much more! So I will have to  put that on a list again (along with the sweater mending and other various tasks that have fallen by the wayside).

And now the most exciting (or at least blood pressure raising) part of the day. TR worked from home today, after we dropped off everyone we had to drop off, we headed home to await the Piano Men. AT about 9:00am I got the brilliant idea that since he was home we could, finally, drop the OBC to Pick'N'Pull and be done with it. We drove down there arriving around 9:30, and were told to report to the person behind the "No Smoking" door (never mind that there was a bigger sign on the door declaring it to be the auto buying department). We went in and there was an employee helping one woman at the desk, we waited about 5 minutes and another employee came in and instructed us to sign in and sit down. We did. About 15 minutes later she came out and informed the 500 year old man in the waiting area that his paperwork did not fax through and she'd call him when everything was copacetic. She than called us in. Now we had been approved weeks ago, having faxed in more paperwork than they probably really wanted to see. I had called and spoken with them on Saturday and we were in the system then, the employee knew my first name before I told him. So we get in there, it's probably 9:50 at this point, and she says she's sorry, she doesn't see an approval for us. I mention the whole calling in on Saturday thing and she gives me the blank DMV stare, as if to say 'so I say you're not in the system so you're not in the system!' She says she has to fax the paperwork in again and will let us know what happens. At 10:00 I;m feeling more than a little antsy, we have to be home by 11:00 to meet the Piano Men and time is ticking away and she's not reappearing, so I head into her little kingdom. I ask her how long the faxing will take and then how long the RE-approval process will be. She states that after they receive the fax it will take 15 minutes for the approval and 45 minutes to process receiving the car. Seriously?!? Then I remember that the fax isn't working properly and ask if she knows if they have received the fax. She doesn't know.  The long and short of it is that I left with my car and my paperwork, called the other provider the Bay Area Air Quality Management folks use and Pick'N'Pull will NOT be making ant profit from our OBC. That is when O told my mother I would rather bash the car to pieces and set fire to it in their parking lot before letting them make ANY money from it at all.

Okay, I'm all done with that! The last two items were taken care of as discussed and that last description was a doozy, I'm exhausted just thinking about it again. I am so glad to be feeling better, and I think that I am getting things done, even though my house isn't Sunset Magazine ready after a week and two days (and I have friends who could pull that off, including landscaping!), I am making progress. One of the things I am making the best progress with is this writing, because I have done it everyday, no matter how poorly I felt or tired I was, or especially if I thought I had nothing to write about. I am happy that the numbered days run consecutively, with NO gaps.

And (I do know I am not supposed to start sentences with and, but I like to do it, and it's my blog, no teacher grades here!) I was thinking about all the things in my life that make me happy and content even though I don't have a high-powered, high profile, high paying job, or live in a big fancy or even have a house cleaner (which I would love). I have some pretty fab circumstances which I would never trade away for any of those things I previously mentioned. One of my absolute favorite is being woken up with kisses every morning. There was a time when I had made such bad relationship choices that I had resigned to being on my own forever. For some reason all the men (read boys, I now understand they were VERY immature) I dated didn't actually want to be loved, by me. But my husband does and tells me all the time, just the way I always wanted, and even better than that, he doesn't turn my love and affection away. So if winning the lottery means giving that up, I say no thanks, I'm happy with what I got!

And on that note, Goodnight.

Pratt Museum Rose with Bumbly Bee

Day Eight, Monday Night

Last Monday seems so far away, and after spending the last three days feeling poorly and sleeping as much as I could, I am thinking this blog is more than a little silly. To what end am I writing it? Everyday I ask TR if he has read it, poor man, he is my audience at the moment. I'm not sure if this is what he signed up for when we got married. Though  it does do the job for the purpose of accountability. So to that end it's all good.

Today was sort of a bust, another day recuperating. I didn't get the OBC delivered to the auto-retirement-center but I will do it this week. Maybe tomorrow. I did do the morning, middle kid drop off despite feeling AWFUL. That made my spirit feel better anyway.

I had a lovely lunch with Prima after school. I do love those times with her, she opens up and chats about everything she loves or is excited by. It is a treasured look into her world.

I am going to bed, I'm exhausted. Maybe I'll be back on track tomorrow.

Goodnight Gracie.

examples of the

kind of clutter

I can't get rid of

Day Seven, Sunday Night: One Week Down

So the sum total of a week's time off:

• Piano moving arranged
• OBC ready to go
• Kitchen cleared and cleaner than it's been in a long time
• Sideboard started
• A blog entry everyday
• Basement bathroom worked on a little bit

I have decided not to list all the everyday stuff, the pick ups and drop offs. The grocery shopping and cooking dinner. The laundry and housecleaning that did get done. These things, while taking time to do, never seem to fit into my idea of accomplishing something. Though I do want a clean, tidy house, I never view cleaning and organizing it as having spent my time constructively. Though when I write that down it seems silly that I would feel that way. Keeping my environment that way I like should make me feel like I am using time well. I am creating the space I want to exist in.

Today was spent largely recuperating from whatever I had yesterday, sleep and quiet, gentle activities that wouldn't wear me out (anymore than I am). I hate this part of being sick. Not well enough to get back into the swing of things, but not ill enough to stay off my feet. It's like purgatory, can't move backwards, can't move forward. Stuck.

Still I felt well enough to go to our friends for dinner, where we had a delightful time with good food and good company and it was a welcome change from the house, where I have been stuck for two days. These friends are wonderful people and I always feel comfortable with them, they laugh and converse easily and all of our children get along so it's a complete win/win situation. Thank goodness for that!

I am often wondering what motivates people to do the things they do. I have some friends that seem endlessly busy. They have an active social life, spend plenty of time volunteering with various organizations, paint their houses inside and out, remodel, fix up, reupholster, work full time or part time jobs, attend interesting events, create art projects, the list could go on and on. How do they do it, where do they find the time to accomplish so many things? What makes them take the steps from visualization to action to completion? I can visualize myself doing things. See all the steps I have to take, make lists, have a solid understanding of those steps and what I need assistance with. But at the end of all that thought, I turn away and do nothing. Then I am left with the panic spells in the middle of the night, when I wake up and think "oh no! I haven't DONE xyz and now it's raining, the roof will leak or the payment is late or my studio is full of stuff that is gathering dust". How do those other people go from thought to action?

 I feel that at some point my grandmother started sitting very still. But not for her whole life. She told me wonderful stories of adventures she and my grandfather went on with friends when they first moved to Hawaii. Trips to beaches at night to see magical swarms of sea creatures. Impromptu trips across the island to see a botanical specimen that couldn't be passed up because it might be the only chance to see it. She had a craft business long before it was fashionable to do so, she was a gardener, a talented tennis player, seamstress, sculptress, and bred varieties of ti that she thought up in her own head.

My mother was a woman of action for a long time as well, living out the Little House on the Prairie lifestyle in a time when society was embracing tupperware, microwaves and cheez-whiz. She had a craft business, making egg-squisite souvenirs for tourists in Alaska. She made beautiful sewn, sculptured wall hangings, wrote and illustrated books, painted, drew, batik'd, was and is still gifted gardener, started her own pottery business, painted our house regularly. She seemed like a person that never sat still. But at the same time she seemed like a person that was still a great deal of the time, and, as I previously mentioned, so was my grandmother.

I feel like I've never even gotten off the ground let alone flown for any length of time. Do I sit still because I am afraid? What on earth would I be afraid of. Am I innately lazy? Is it just the way I am and I might as well get used to it? I do remember being about 17 and hitting a moment when I wondered what the purpose to everything was, I do remember feeling deflated and a bit defeated. If I find that answer, the answer to the meaning of life, will I be able to soar to the heavens and live among the shimmering stars? Or do I sit still because I am afraid of being seen, if I am not noticed, I cannot fail. Is my fear of failure so great that my subconscious mind paralyzes me to protect me from rejection and dejection?

I thought out a blanket today, I have squares cut upstairs I can start with, I have all the supplies I can think of. I thought it through, the way I would handle the raw edges, the way I would put a blanket stitch around the edge. I imagined the way it would look when it was done. Now let's see if I actually do it. It shouldn't take long, much of the work is done. Maybe with accountability ( the purpose of this blog) I will do it.  Will I start tomorrow? Probably not, tomorrow is already parceled out to other tasks. But maybe!

The last blanket I made, really the last big project I have done at all!

Day Six, Another Saturday Night (with you)

Ugh, I am sick. This is to remind me not to go into exwork while I am not an employee, I am sure I caught something from one of the kids. The time frame fits, the symptoms fit, I should know better than to call out from the student phone!

No, there is no list today, I woke up feeling a bit under the weather but hopped up to take care of business wight the OBC, since TR was home and able to do it with me. Sadly we couldn't drop it off at the retirement center ( read junkyard!) so we got it smogged, ran some other errands and came home. Where I promptly fell asleep for six hours. So that is the sum total of my productivity for the day. In the hopes of rushing my recovery, I have taken copious amounts of immune boosting herbs. Are they working? I will never know, I haven't been sick today without them. I did not, however, take any claratin, which I take pretty much everyday. I am trying to let my body spend some time medication free. Hmmm, unless you count the herbs as medication and then, well...

TR said he hated the sad entry but loved the cheerier one and he even liked the poems. Which in re-reading, I am a little embarrassed of, they seem much less lyrical and poetic than when I first wrote them. I really haven't written that much since then, but could it have evolved that much? Who knows.

I did forget to remark, yesterday, that Prima has taught herself a selection of artist x's songs and it is a beautiful thing to hear her playing and singing along in her room. I hope that his music is able to inspire in her what I wish it had inspired in me when I was her age.

I have nothing huge or insightful to write about. Only that my back hurts and my neck hurts and that I am sure I have a fever even though the thermometer reads out that my temperature is below normal. It must be broken! I feel wimpy and fragile and want to sleep, but I have slept too much and there is none left in me. At least I did post this today, which for a while I was ready to forgo.

Good night Gracie.

a mama hummingbird attentively siting on her nest, taken near Primo's orthodontist office 

Day Five, Friday Evening

I had the great idea to head down to my carpool pick up early. I’d get a good parking spot and I could work on this for a while, at least get it started. HA! I drove around the block twice, encountered one of those oh-so-common I’m-the-only-driver-in-the-universe drivers and I completely spaced out that I wouldn’t be connected to the internet, so I am starting this in Word and will have to transfer it over. At least I thought of that, as simple and logical as it seems a year, or so ago I would have thrown up my hands because the computer wasn’t performing as I expected it to.

I think I was a bit over ambitious today, I did make a list, it reads like this:

• ·      Lunch w/CC
• ·      Make raspberry curd
• ·      Spend 2 hours on sideboard
• ·      Clean off kitchen counter
• ·      Clean bathroom
• ·      Finish one K bear

So far I have done NOT all of that, I didn’t list my carpool stuff, which does eat up a fair amount of my day and I will have to take Prima to the barn and pick TR up.  All of that ferrying will use up, well the two hours I intended to spend on the sideboard.  I did clean the kitchen counter, though much of the stuff I moved is still sitting somewhere else, it does look fabulous and so spacious. I need to figure out how to keep it like that! I cleaned the stove and also beeswaxed the table, which needed it badly.

Then I made a great step, instead of working up to the minute I had to leave for lunch, I texted CC early to see if I could bring lunch. Then I brought sandwiches, fruit and… root beer and we had a picnic in a park. It was lovely, the sun was shining, the air laden with humdiddy, birds singing, children laughing, I was so glad we ate al fresco. It sort of lifted some of that paralysis from my heart. Maybe it was simply the act of doing something differently. 

So I accomplished two items on my list, part of a third ( I gave the bathroom a lick and a promise) and the rest I will have to let go. My afternoon went like this: pick up middle kids, drop off each one separately,  come home finish putting away papers and such from cleaning the kitchen counter (I did practice ukelele a little!). Pick up bigger kids, swing them by the house to change clothes, take to the barn, check in with supervising adult, run back to pick up TR, rush home and realized that fixing dinner will take very little time and that perhaps we should with until the big kids get home. Thankfully the kids will be brought home fro the barn, so at least there is that small relief.

TR and I had a long chat this morning about the kids and how entitled they behave, expecting a yes to everything, and why not? When do we really say no? He has drafted a wonderful paper addressing rules of conduct for our household and what consequences would follow for breaking or ignoring those rules. It is written very well, neutral, nonjudgmental and inarguable. As he read it to me, I could feel myself filling with apprehension that the children would be unable to control themselves and they would be rude or belligerent and lose out on privileges. I fought back the urge to try to temper it and as I sit thinking about it, I realize that they are not broken. Indeed far from it, they are wonderful, bright, rational beings with a good understanding of how the world works and they can, indeed, exercise the amount of self control needed to avoid any negative repercussions from this! I do, always, want to shield them from any discomfort or disappointment. But that isn't a realistic expectation to give them, that they will never face disappointment or discomfort. It really seems to be about emotional hurts though, because if they bump or scrape their bodies, I remind them that it's just a by product of moving through space and time, and that's a good thing.  Hmmmm, emotional hurt and fear...I feel I may be uncovering some mysterious, underlying weaknesses of mine.

I have been listening to artist x lately and feel a little silly liking the music so much. I feel like one of those old people that is clinging to being hep by 'understanding the new generation'. But it's funny, as I was listening today I realized that the music is just what I would have said if I had found that voice when I was 23 (or younger). Such a funny, seemingly earnest person, not the kind one would expect to be famous ( though I am glad of it, I may never have heard it otherwise). Not the kind of face you would expect to incite girls ( or boys?) to scream passionately at a concert. But still an attractive face, honest and a little uncertain of the reception he may receive. I do wish I had been brave enough to face my dreams when I was that age, well at ant age really. I wish that I had been able to see them and say them out loud, to declare my life's intent and to know what my calling or gift was. 

 I cannot remember, as a child, having dreams and ambitions. I remember once on the school bus, in 3rd grade, telling a boy I knew that I wanted to be an astronaut and fly to the moon, because it seemed like an interesting thing to do, go to the moon. But he told me that girls couldn't be astronauts, and I didn't want it enough to argue with him. So I simply drifted away from it. I remember loving ballet and wanting my feet to look gracefully pointed, encased in pink satin shoes, but not enough to insist, beg, badger or plead for lessons after we moved. I remember telling a teacher in high school that I wanted to be a writer, but when he challenged me with what kind of writing I would do and I answered off the cuff that I wanted to write novels, he scoffed at the likelihood of my success in that field and I drifted away from that too. I whispered to myself in a journal (in pencil so I could erase it if necessary) that I knew I was a poet. But I was ashamed and didn't know what to do with that awakening. I ignored it.  I know that I have always felt that  it didn't matter what I did, there would be no room for me in that profession. Archaeologist? Anthropologist? Lawyer ( it does hold a certain fascination for me)? All those jobs are filled and who would ever hire me anyway? Best to give up before I was turned down, by colleges, by employers, by anyone who might stomp me down.

But this artist x, he didn't care what people thought, he made his musical poetry relevant to his life and sang it out loud for everyone to hear. Maybe that is what I admire in such a young artist, he came to live out loud and he is.

Bah, this sounds like a bleeding heart entry. My life is truly magical and wonderful. I have had some rocky parts, but doesn't everybody? We can really only see the wonder of things if there is something to hold it against. Mud isn't usually exciting but when held up to a comet, it makes the comet shine that much brighter, because you can see what it isn't. Life so far has had ups and downs  and now I know enough to re-examine the ups when I am in the downs.

I feel like I am at least on track so far with this blog, so my accountability is good. I have found out I don't hate writing on a computer, which I hadn't known before this. I am spending my time off fairly constructively, I haven't painted a room, but there are still 7 weeks and a weekend left. I didn't let the doldrums completely deflate me and my house is cleaner than it has been for some time. I swept two days in a row! I might mend sweaters while we watch our show tonight, maybe.

In closing tonight I will leave two things, a photo that will represent something magical that I thought could never happen or never even imagined happening, and a poem, no the first two poems I ever wrote in 1994. I was so surprised, they jumped out of my pen and until then I had never had an inkling to write poetry at all.

Poem # 1

the days are timeless

marked by nothing but the movement of the sun

day slips lazily into night

night gives out to day

slowly, slowly time flows by

drawing ever closer to the day of

you.

Poem # 2

the make-up I wear is your vision of me

am I less beautiful now because you aren't here to see me?

I am covered in the veil of bias which love brings

and I am transformed from a worm into a butterfly

a manifestation of your love

maybe I needed to see my self through your eyes

please use mine to see the beauty of you.

en route home

This is the view from the plane on the last leg of the journey home. My children are on board with me and though we had to leave TR home, he was in our thoughts and hearts as he always is. I can't think of anything more magical than bringing the family of your dreams to the home of your heart.

Day Four, Thursday Night

Today in true fashion of avoidance/avoidance syndrome ( a phrase I picked up in Psychology 101) I completely ignored the list. I didn't make one, I didn't even go through the motions of sitting down and  pretending to write one. I left my project from yesterday untouched, and brooded about how lame I was for leaving it untouched. In fact, I asked Primo to clear it off the table so we could eat dinner at the table. He did.

I knew after yesterday's entry I had been derailed, but I had the best of intentions around picking up where I left off and carrying on despite the seeming setback. I didn't.

It rained last night, it was such an odd feeling, we left the door open for fresh air as it has been so warm lately. I awoke to the sound of Nuuanu Valley, that gentle pattering of rain, the soft swish of a slight breeze through the trees, the feeling of the air through the open windows (even though ours is a door). Sometimes I miss that place so much I think the ache will never end. I still can't think about it without crying. But I digress, what I was really going to say is that I woke up to the rain and after I thought about G'ma & G'mpa, I lay in the dark thinking about all the things that scare me. The roof leaks, I am sure of that. The cottage needs a new roof. Our home equity loan needs to be dealt with. I'm sure I left something out in the rain that will get ruined by the water. The skylights are open. The dogs are squirmy. It went on and on and subsequently, I didn't get much sleep.

When I got up I felt dejected but at the same time strangely elated. The early morning is such a beautiful time of day, so peaceful and then, gradually at first but exploding when light comes, the birds are a riotous noise of song and chatter. The weather was sultry, soft and almost voluptuous with moisture. The light was muted through the rain cover, and it felt a bit unreal, as if we were someplace else. Everyone got ready for their day and I played bus driver to some and ended up taking my carpool's sibling to school, which of course is exwork for me. I ended up staying forever, helping out, visiting and there started the big avoidance.

After I got home I could feel the stillness weighing my limbs down and I talked to LS on the phone, pouring out all my fears and self-disappointments until she had to go and then I distracted my self with my phone, telling myself I was trapped in my room because the girls were watching a scary movie. Really I could have gone to the cottage and fooled around up there until they were done. Or worked on my project with headphones on. Really and truly I was NOT working on the project because I didn't want to. I have looked at what made me shy away from it and this is what I have so far: I don't believe I can do it. I feel like I cannot move the stuff out of my life and I am afraid that it is pointless to try. I am afraid that I will take everything out, shuffle it around and then put it all back without having succeeded at anything. I am afraid of this because this is so often how it goes. I run through what I want to do in my mind. Carefully filling in all the details about what I will do with all the stuff I find in the drawers( do I really need to keep bottles of ink that are over 10 years old? Of course not!) and visualizing how the space will look cleaned out and streamlined. Then I do the actual work and as soon as I pull things out and am surrounded by clutter (even more so than usual) I give up and retreat, defeated by stuff.This has happened over and over and I am surprised I even attempt clearing out at all anymore. But I do, I keep dreaming and believing I can do it and keep being beaten back by my own fear.

So then I have two questions; 1) What makes me unable to follow through with my desire to  downsize my possessions? and 2) How do I plan a project like that, that will take time and energy over several days and through many stages and still get the regular chores like laundry and dusting done? How do I get ALL the things that weigh on my mind taken care of and maintain some semblance of order in the house? Enquiring minds want to know!

I told TR what I had accomplished and in the fashion true to himself he was completely supportive and reminded me to keep track of what I DID do today. So the number one important thing I did today was...investigate how to get the  power turned on at The Badger's Den (named for all the badgers we've never seen nearby), and after I found that out, researched electricians in the area. The second biggest accomplishment was something that I held a lot of anxiety around, I called the fix-it-up-chappy to tell him that we could not afford to invest $5300 into the OBC and I would pick it up later, then TR and I did pick it up after work. So that's done and we will turn it over to the clean air people like we had planned. One more possession down, a lot o'more to go! Besides that the same little things that go along with any day, taking people here and there, dishes, sweeping, dinner all these little things that fill up day.

I feel that I want to fly, to soar in my life, on wings made of dreams and desires. I want to live out loud, as the quote says, and take the life I have left and make it really mean something, But when my spirit swells in my chest, filling me up, I creep back down into that still place within myself and I am that girl again, sitting on the couch, sucking her thumb, numb, isolated, and so far from out loud.

Poll na bPeist, Inis Mor, Ireland

This is one of my favorite places, on a wild, magical island on the edge of the Atlantic Ocean. Made of limestone, battered by the sea, this is a place I imagine one cannot live in without living out loud.

Day Three, Wednesday Morning

I am in good, hopeful spirits and feel ready to conquer anything, I hope it lasts! I think instead of writing now, I will attempt a clean-out, I have more positive energy now and it seems a shame to waste it.

What a difference a few hours makes! I am now feeling overwhelmed and dejected. I started cleaning out the side board, I was cruising along, reminding myself that I do not need to keep stuff, and the fix-it-up-chappy called. It's going to cost $5300 to fix the OBC. Ugh all of my hope and motivation fell out of my feet and I went down to see what the list was. It's all important, all safety and structural integrity related. We can't really skip any of it. So instead of cashing it in for $1000 we blew $200 for the "Minor Service" and now we have to have it smogged before we take it to the junkyard. I am having a hard time not feeling stupid and seeing the silver lining of this.

(As I re-read this it occurs to me that perhaps this seeming setback is a way to remind me not to hold onto stuff, like an old car that has served us well but is more tired and worn out than we are ready to support financially)

Ok, back on track(ish) the List:

• Water garden ( I haven't done that yet)
• TR pick up
• Make a list of possible projects
• Mend Sweaters
• Mend blue/green blanket
• Choose clean-out project: sideboard or kitchen drawers or Grandpa Gussie bookcase
• Blog

If I had only known I'd be thrown off my track so decidedly, I would have chosen a different clean out project. I chose the side board and I have started dissecting it, laying things in careful piles, preparing for the grand change that will come when I have resolved a place for everything (even if that place is outside of my realm). If I had known I'd come home feeling close to tears and wanting to hide in a book or a silly phone game or even a nap, I would have started cleaning out the kitchen drawers. But I was ambitious and now I will be working on this project tomorrow.  Until then the chaos will feel multiplied and I will feel like I am slipping into failure.

This is going all wrong, I think I need to change direction...I think I will go to the land of make believe instead of concentrating on my tension and stress.

Today I feel like a stone, round and smooth and older than time. I am falling down through water, it is surrounding me pulling me deeper and deeper as I swirl around over and down. I am suffocating under the weight of the water around me and the crystalline structure of the rock has paralyzed my lungs so that even if I weren't under water my lungs could not expand to allow air in. I am suffocating, suffocating, suffocating. I can feel paralysis enveloping my limbs, now encased in stone, so smooth and so confining, defining refining, I can't shake it loose, I am a stone, round and smooth with the signature of aeons scrawled across my face, I sink slowly, so slowly now to the bottom and I am stuck there breathless and hopeless.

Well that was depressing, maybe I should list some of my favorite things...like....

home, which as they say is where the heart is, so I suppose that, really, home is wherever my family is because they really do hold my heart with them wherever they are. The view in this photograph is etched firmly in my mind's eye. I remember after I hadn't been home for soooo long I started dreaming about it and this view was part of the dreams. Everything else was slightly different, the road to our house, the way the town was set up, funny things were not the way I remembered them when I was awake. But the mountains and the glaciers were always the same. Odd when I finally got home the things that had changed were all the things that were different in my dreams but the mountains and the glaciers were just the way they had always been. Well the glaciers were smaller but that was the only difference. I missed it so much when we moved away.  I wonder if that's how it is for my children? Is this small, crowded house the home of their hearts? I know they love the places TR and I have shared, I am so glad that we have been able to bring our children to the places that have shaped us and now shape them. Holding hands through generations, through time, we are ultimately connected to the spark that created the universe. we are connected through our hearts and memories  and can move in the timeline endlessly.

I am going to water the garden and then make a picnic dinner for BTSN. Signing off now. 

Day Two, Tuesday Night

I meant to check in last night to see how on target I was but it seemed silly to post yesterday morning and then again last night, and this morning I was swept away into my day, so here is today's housekeeping, tonight:

First the list:

• Blog check in
• 10:00 foot appointment
• Call piano movers again ( I called twice yesterday!)
• Big kid carpool 
• Middle kid carpool
• Donation station
• Clean up/out/around craft shelf in L.R.
• Groceries
• Pick up veggie box
• Clean out fridge & freezer
• 5:30 stables 
• Call to drop off old blue car
• Cancel fridge appointment
• Email Mr. K re:media drop off
• Email K about volunteer opportunities
• Drop OBC to mechanic

SO the tasks that fell by the wayside yesterday, groceries and donating stuff, those are two of the tasks I face that most often get postponed. Two thoughts arise as I write that, do you really have enough stuff to have a fairly regular task of donating unwanted items? The answer is an emphatic yes, I have waaay more stuff than I need or really even want. I seem to be stuck in the rut of believing that whatever thing I think I want will make me feel better, thinner, more organized. Somehow the gadget I am holding in the kitchen store will make me want to cook more often, or whatever household storage system looks fabulous and oh-so-streamlined in the display at Crate and Barrel will magically keep my house clean and clutter free. Then it all becomes clutter, I shuffle it around from place to place and finally it gets tossed in a bag destined for Salvation Army or Goodwill. I once saw a purse in Salvation Army that I bought at Thrift Town, kept but didn't use for about two years, and donated. It was so odd to see my used possession in my local thrift store.

My second thought is to ponder (slightly) why I ALWAYS put off grocery shopping. Could it be because it's no fun to do it alone? Or maybe because no one wants to make a list with me but everyone complains about what I didn't buy.  Perhaps it's because I know that I really want to eat out and I will leverage that in the end, so groceries end up in storage until well past the expiration date when in a fit of desperation for a cleaner house, I toss it all into the compost. Wait, sounds a bit like the purse story, I will see those groceries again... in my garden... I'm all done with those thoughts, now onto the dissection of my day!

Today felt fairly productive. I got everything on my list done plus a few silly extras, like brekkie with TR who worked from home today. I even made breakfast for the kids, which I don't really do when I am working. I think it makes them feel cared for, and it does make me feel like a good momma to feed my kiddos before sending them out into the world.

Yesterday I ended up at ex-work and stayed for a couple of hours showing the New Me some tricks I have learned. I really do like her, she feels like a kindred spirit, albeit a much younger kindred spirit! I was requested to attend the staff meeting which I thought nothing of and, SURPRISE! there was cake and a sweet card to say thanks and goodbye. I was touched and pleased and felt very loved. It really is a wonderful community.

Brekkie with TR was fun, we brainstormed a name for the cottage and came up with: The Badger's Den (named for all the badger's we've never seen nearby), really the whole thing, that's what we decided to call it, well for now anyway. I am secretly pleased with the name, I do love badgers, though I have very little experience with them, they seem like marvelous animals and their determination delights me. So that's the permarary name for our teeny tiny cottage.

I don't think I will be able to get there on this leave of absence to fix it up, which saddens me because I was really looking forward to it. Perhaps this will help me focus my resources on funding that project instead of trickling it away on purses that end up back in another thrift store. Is there a lesson somewhere in there? Probably. Will I learn it right away? Probably not.

I think I need to follow through on the list everyday, but instead of putting a hundred little tasks, tomorrow I will list out steps to accomplish a bigger task. I have been saying I want to clean out and get rid of the sideboard for years, maybe that will be the project. Maybe I can spend tomorrow taking inventory of substantial projects I can do over this break, paint the bedroom? Arrange new carpet in the carpeted areas? Keep getting yard sale stuff ready? The possibilities are endless and aren't confined to the indoors, there is always the yard and the cabin/cottage to look at.

Now I see as I read through this, I didn't remark on the accomplishments of today's tasks, which I will attempt to do....now. Piano move is all arranged for next week, (yay!) that will free up a lot of precious square feet (inches) in the basement. Getting the Old Blue Car to the fix-it-up-chappie is a big step, we have been procrastinating that for years, but with Prima getting ready to drive, it's the perfect car for her. It's the car she grew up in! I guess that's really all the remarks I have.

Once again a whirlwind of thoughts, sweeping me up and carrying me away, far away from my goals. I have been busy these past two days, but I think that at the end of these 8 weeks I would like more to show than a notebook and blog full of errands I have run. Tomorrow I AM going to look up the mediation training, tonight, now I am going to bed.

I will leave this thought behind tonight: at my foot appointment I read a quote that said "Be who you are and say what you mean, those who matter won't mind and those who mind, don't matter" something I was trying to explain to my boy a few days ago. Thank you Dr. Seuss for saying it so well!

 As a final goodnight, a fellow we watched securing his treasures in the park outside Buckingham Palace.

not a badger, but a squirrel hiding a treasure in St. James Park

Day One, Monday Morning

Just to keep a record of what I am doing during this 8 week break from work, I am writing it down here, for accountability's sake. I am such a dreamer and often these dreams are stuck in my head. From the outside it must look like I am a very sedentary, still person but on the inside I am a whirlwind of thoughts, that spin around me like a cyclone, leaving me exhausted and sometimes exhilarated but with very little to show for it. So let's see what happens here.

My grand plan was to spend the time in Ireland leading the plan to fix up the Badger's Den (named for all the badgers we've never seen nearby) and make it into a vacation spot for us and our family and friends. Sadly the cold reality of funds has reared it's ever-present head and I find myself with the desire and excitement, but no way to pay for it...yet. Still I had given notice at work, which was tempered from leaving forever, to leaving for two months. So what will I do with those precious two months?

Priorities being what they are, I have a date with T this morning for breakfast, something we have not done in well over two years and something I miss dearly. So that's on my agenda as a first day project. I made out my list with TR last night, hoping to feel productive and accomplished at the end of the day so here is what the list says to do:

• 9:30- breakfast with T
• 12:00 coffee with A
• Call the Piano Movers
• Clean out the cabinet recess in the basement bathroom (to prep for cabinet installation)
• Donation station (FINALLY get rid of bags at the door)
• 2:55 pick up kids ( I always think of pickup sticks when I have to pick up kids!)
• Revise and refine Project Badger's Den Matrix 
• Go into work for a bit ( just to give info on my job)
• Grocery shopping

And a bonus, not on the list but done anyway:

• made appointment for the fridge to be examined...it makes odd noises.

Can I do all of this? Well it's 9:20 and I have already called the Piano movers (I had to leave a message, worked on the Badger's Den list, cleaned out the cabinet recess and made the fridge appointment, besides the regular stuff like making breakfast and seeing my family out the door with a smile. So I am on my way to accomplishing my goals for the day, though I would like to see more project oriented goals on future lists, this is a good start to keep away from sitting still and pondering what to do. I am often so overwhelmed at the sheer mass of jobs to do around the house that I am immobilized by the seeming impossibility of it all. I don't want to throw this time away.

I am never sure what I want to do the most, usually whatever thought is in my head is the one I think is a priority, and usually that is whatever I am looking at. De-cluttering the living room, painting the bedroom, finishing the bathroom(s) or kitchen, sanding and finishing the stairs. Now and then projects pop into my head that I can't see ( the cottage NEEDS a new roof!) and I panic because it's yet another thing to get done that I know I can do and still I probably won't do. I imagine that if I could just get some of these things done, I wouldn't feel so oppressed by the weight of what needs to be done and accomplishment would come more easily.

I was really proud of TR with his banjo bass project. He had that thing for so long (could it be 20 years?) and it got to the point that I was hinting it was BIG and took up a lot of room and perhaps now he could pass it along. But he got it all together and it's beautiful and I can see that he really loves playing it. I think he loves the fact that he did it on his own, stretched the head for the drum, built a bridge, repaired all the inlay that was coming out. He did a really nice job on all the parts ( as is his way) and I can see how good he feels having done it. 

That's how I want to feel about all my stuff, but I give up so easily. I work on things for a little while and then I drift away to something else. or maybe nothing else but simply drift away from where I am. My hope with this blog, is that it keeps me on task. I know I started plus chouette's project blog and was scared away by the same thing that always gets me: I hit a point that I didn't understand about posting and my sails went limp and I drifted away. I stopped dying yarn, and haven't even really knit anything since we returned from Ireland, the darn teddy bears are sitting in a box half done, and I never even posted that blog!

Signing off for now, I will check in tonight ( that's my plan as of now...) to post the results of today's activities. 

P.S. Just for fun, because I have a few minutes, here is a photo of the Badger's Den (named for all the badgers we've never seen nearby):