What a difference a few hours makes! I am now feeling overwhelmed and dejected. I started cleaning out the side board, I was cruising along, reminding myself that I do not need to keep stuff, and the fix-it-up-chappy called. It's going to cost $5300 to fix the OBC. Ugh all of my hope and motivation fell out of my feet and I went down to see what the list was. It's all important, all safety and structural integrity related. We can't really skip any of it. So instead of cashing it in for $1000 we blew $200 for the "Minor Service" and now we have to have it smogged before we take it to the junkyard. I am having a hard time not feeling stupid and seeing the silver lining of this.
(As I re-read this it occurs to me that perhaps this seeming setback is a way to remind me not to hold onto stuff, like an old car that has served us well but is more tired and worn out than we are ready to support financially)
Ok, back on track(ish) the List:
- Water garden ( I haven't done that yet)
- TR pick up
- Make a list of possible projects
- Mend Sweaters
- Mend blue/green blanket
- Choose clean-out project: sideboard or kitchen drawers or Grandpa Gussie bookcase
- Blog
This is going all wrong, I think I need to change direction...I think I will go to the land of make believe instead of concentrating on my tension and stress.
Today I feel like a stone, round and smooth and older than time. I am falling down through water, it is surrounding me pulling me deeper and deeper as I swirl around over and down. I am suffocating under the weight of the water around me and the crystalline structure of the rock has paralyzed my lungs so that even if I weren't under water my lungs could not expand to allow air in. I am suffocating, suffocating, suffocating. I can feel paralysis enveloping my limbs, now encased in stone, so smooth and so confining, defining refining, I can't shake it loose, I am a stone, round and smooth with the signature of aeons scrawled across my face, I sink slowly, so slowly now to the bottom and I am stuck there breathless and hopeless.
Well that was depressing, maybe I should list some of my favorite things...like....
home, which as they say is where the heart is, so I suppose that, really, home is wherever my family is because they really do hold my heart with them wherever they are. The view in this photograph is etched firmly in my mind's eye. I remember after I hadn't been home for soooo long I started dreaming about it and this view was part of the dreams. Everything else was slightly different, the road to our house, the way the town was set up, funny things were not the way I remembered them when I was awake. But the mountains and the glaciers were always the same. Odd when I finally got home the things that had changed were all the things that were different in my dreams but the mountains and the glaciers were just the way they had always been. Well the glaciers were smaller but that was the only difference. I missed it so much when we moved away. I wonder if that's how it is for my children? Is this small, crowded house the home of their hearts? I know they love the places TR and I have shared, I am so glad that we have been able to bring our children to the places that have shaped us and now shape them. Holding hands through generations, through time, we are ultimately connected to the spark that created the universe. we are connected through our hearts and memories and can move in the timeline endlessly.
I am going to water the garden and then make a picnic dinner for BTSN. Signing off now.
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