Day Seven, Sunday Night: One Week Down

So the sum total of a week's time off:

• Piano moving arranged
• OBC ready to go
• Kitchen cleared and cleaner than it's been in a long time
• Sideboard started
• A blog entry everyday
• Basement bathroom worked on a little bit

I have decided not to list all the everyday stuff, the pick ups and drop offs. The grocery shopping and cooking dinner. The laundry and housecleaning that did get done. These things, while taking time to do, never seem to fit into my idea of accomplishing something. Though I do want a clean, tidy house, I never view cleaning and organizing it as having spent my time constructively. Though when I write that down it seems silly that I would feel that way. Keeping my environment that way I like should make me feel like I am using time well. I am creating the space I want to exist in.

Today was spent largely recuperating from whatever I had yesterday, sleep and quiet, gentle activities that wouldn't wear me out (anymore than I am). I hate this part of being sick. Not well enough to get back into the swing of things, but not ill enough to stay off my feet. It's like purgatory, can't move backwards, can't move forward. Stuck.

Still I felt well enough to go to our friends for dinner, where we had a delightful time with good food and good company and it was a welcome change from the house, where I have been stuck for two days. These friends are wonderful people and I always feel comfortable with them, they laugh and converse easily and all of our children get along so it's a complete win/win situation. Thank goodness for that!

I am often wondering what motivates people to do the things they do. I have some friends that seem endlessly busy. They have an active social life, spend plenty of time volunteering with various organizations, paint their houses inside and out, remodel, fix up, reupholster, work full time or part time jobs, attend interesting events, create art projects, the list could go on and on. How do they do it, where do they find the time to accomplish so many things? What makes them take the steps from visualization to action to completion? I can visualize myself doing things. See all the steps I have to take, make lists, have a solid understanding of those steps and what I need assistance with. But at the end of all that thought, I turn away and do nothing. Then I am left with the panic spells in the middle of the night, when I wake up and think "oh no! I haven't DONE xyz and now it's raining, the roof will leak or the payment is late or my studio is full of stuff that is gathering dust". How do those other people go from thought to action?

 I feel that at some point my grandmother started sitting very still. But not for her whole life. She told me wonderful stories of adventures she and my grandfather went on with friends when they first moved to Hawaii. Trips to beaches at night to see magical swarms of sea creatures. Impromptu trips across the island to see a botanical specimen that couldn't be passed up because it might be the only chance to see it. She had a craft business long before it was fashionable to do so, she was a gardener, a talented tennis player, seamstress, sculptress, and bred varieties of ti that she thought up in her own head.

My mother was a woman of action for a long time as well, living out the Little House on the Prairie lifestyle in a time when society was embracing tupperware, microwaves and cheez-whiz. She had a craft business, making egg-squisite souvenirs for tourists in Alaska. She made beautiful sewn, sculptured wall hangings, wrote and illustrated books, painted, drew, batik'd, was and is still gifted gardener, started her own pottery business, painted our house regularly. She seemed like a person that never sat still. But at the same time she seemed like a person that was still a great deal of the time, and, as I previously mentioned, so was my grandmother.

I feel like I've never even gotten off the ground let alone flown for any length of time. Do I sit still because I am afraid? What on earth would I be afraid of. Am I innately lazy? Is it just the way I am and I might as well get used to it? I do remember being about 17 and hitting a moment when I wondered what the purpose to everything was, I do remember feeling deflated and a bit defeated. If I find that answer, the answer to the meaning of life, will I be able to soar to the heavens and live among the shimmering stars? Or do I sit still because I am afraid of being seen, if I am not noticed, I cannot fail. Is my fear of failure so great that my subconscious mind paralyzes me to protect me from rejection and dejection?

I thought out a blanket today, I have squares cut upstairs I can start with, I have all the supplies I can think of. I thought it through, the way I would handle the raw edges, the way I would put a blanket stitch around the edge. I imagined the way it would look when it was done. Now let's see if I actually do it. It shouldn't take long, much of the work is done. Maybe with accountability ( the purpose of this blog) I will do it.  Will I start tomorrow? Probably not, tomorrow is already parceled out to other tasks. But maybe!

The last blanket I made, really the last big project I have done at all!