Day Eighty-Two, Feeling Nostalgic on Friday Night

I was scanning trough f**book before I started writing tonight, earlier I had been reading an article on the myths of detoxing to TR that one of my f**book friends had shared and we were finishing it up. I was sucked into the black hole of pithy posts as usual and found myself looking through the timeline(?) of one of the groups I belong to. I hung out with these people almost everyday for almost four years, we went to parties, shows, scooter events, and each other's houses, together. I went shopping with them, I even went to school with a few of them. As I scanned through the posts and photos, I noticed that I hardly ever show up. Granted I have never posted photos of my own and I suppose that most people share photos that show themselves. But several of the girls and guys show up in almost every photo. And it makes me wonder, if was I a bigger part of that group in my own mind.Were the friendships I forged and nurtured really not friendships at all? So I looked through another fb group, a crowd I hung out with leading up to the previously mentioned group. These were bosom buddies, folks that swore love and eternal friendship with each other and me. Once again I don't really show up nor is there any reference to me at all. I remember most of the people, I remember the faces and most of the events that are shown in the photos, but for all intents and purposes, I don't exist in either group. Now, I am not whining or feeling sorry for myself, really I am noticing a pattern I hadn't noticed before. Would it look the same if there were a group for the community I have been a part of for the last 12 years? Maybe I am just a person that fades into the background, maybe I am more an observer than a participant and so I show up differently. I wonder why I am invisible? Hmmm, invisibility is a theme that seems to run through my psyche over and over. In both cases I was invited by the creator of the group to be a member, they are closed/non-public groups and I was approached not the other way around. So to someone, somewhere I am visible, just not to the casual observer.

Okay, done with that! Today held a little laundry, some dishes, no cooking, lots of writing, I am about  350 words behind on my book, but I didn't really write at all yesterday so I wrote A LOT today. The story is coming along nicely, I am surprised at how fluidly it flows out when it's there. I must admit I spend quite a bit of time fidgeting with the story, until I hit on something and then it just rushes out. I think tomorrow I would like to try to spend some time with no time limit, just to see how far I get. Part of my obstacle is my inner voice constantly telling me that what I am doing is pointless, useless. No one will publish, let alone read the book and I am being vain and foolish spending so much time on it. Come to think of it that's what the voice said when I was trying to make jewelry and the teddy bears. Maybe it's time for that voice to be silenced, and I should just do what I am trying to do. Okay that's my new plan.

I was talking with LS today, for the longest time. sharing my recent parenting hurdles and how I handled them. I started griping about this acquaintance of mine that is a total taker. I don't think she has ever actively participated in our relationship where she wasn't asking me to do a favor for her. This woman was calling and texting me all day asking for this favor or that, did I have time to show her what was available in my studio, could I give her a ride? Much later in the day LS and I were (again) on the phone and she advised me to cut the acquaintance loose. I should just tell her I am no longer available to sell crafts, I am busy and can't give rides. The problem is that I don't feel justified in EVER saying no, so I acquiesce and add so much stress to my schedule and day that by the time I am done, I am ready to explode, while she has just had her life made easier. So LS tells me to let go and be good to myself, but the she has to run because she has to pick up a child for carpool, and as she is bitterly telling me bout her carpool nightmare I realize it is the same thing that I am going through. We laughed and agreed that we would extricate ourselves from these draining relationships and it occurred to me that (wait for it...) there is a pattern there. Something based on not feeling like we are allowed to set boundaries for ourselves. That we HAVE to meet everyone else's needs  even if it is to our own detriment.

And on that note, TR just went to bed, so I am off. Goodnight!

Woodland stars in B.C.

P.S. 600 page views as of tonight ; )