I ran into an ex-coworker at ex-work today (I was there as, I am every Tuesday, picking up the veggie box) and we got to chatting about my job and how it kind of faded away and how I felt about that. I feel free and content, I feel like I am in my own life and that all the Big Important Things I had to focus on are not so big and important after all. I often think of Antoine de Saint-Exupréy's comment in "The Little Prince" about grown ups asking about one's new friend and wanting to know how much money they make or what their profession is, and how the really important things get left behind, that's was ex-work was like. We spent so much time harrumphing over policies and events that truly had nothing to do with the really important part of the job, which was and is the children. Anyway as we sat chatting about how I was probably not returning, because Mr. D will never call, me this ex-coworker asked me if I WANTED to return. I gave her a pat answer and went off to think about it. And I think I do not want to go back. I miss part of the job, all the people of all ages that I love(ed) and being a part of something vibrant and alive. I miss creating a safe nurturing place where there otherwise wasn't and knowing that I am doing the best I can to move the WHOLE project forward. But I don't miss working myself to the bone and then being asked for a little more. I don't miss being told about a deadline after it has happened as if I had been responsible the whole time and then being left to clean up the mess when I am the most junior member of the office. No there are enough things I don't miss to make me very happy to live in my own cozy life, taking care of my family and my house and doing all the things that need to be done by me.So that's another thing examined, are there any more? I don't know.
Today was another rainy day and here's what I know about rain, it makes me want to sit under the covers and wait for the sun to come out. Which I didn't do all the way. TR worked from home so we made breakfast together, which he had to eat cold because he was on a phone meeting when it was ready. Mamma came for a visit, I made her some breakfast and we ate together while poor TR watched us and had a meeting on the phone. Mamma and I sat on the sofa and visited for a while until she had to go home, and then I puttered around, doing dishes, canceling our long distance phone service (they charged us over $1 per minute for phone calls to B.C., I'm not paying those prices anymore!) doing anything I could to avoid the 1000+ words I was slated to write today. Was the avoidance obvious? I felt like it was screaming out across the neighborhood "Hey look! She's not writing!!! It's only been one day and she's already fallen off the wagon!" But apparently not, because when I timidly, most casually mentioned to TR that I was meant to write for the NaNoWriMo, he offhandedly responded "oh yeah, are you going to do it?"
I did in fact get it done (yay!) and I discovered that while I feared that I would sit down and there would be nothing to write because I had written it all yesterday, there was in fact bunches to put down, and with even more detail than yesterday. I would have written for ages longer but I had put it off for so long, I ran up against the kid pick up time and had to run off to do that. When Primo came home (his group had the OTHER carpool driver) and I told him what I was doing, he said, "you're writing the story down!" which for some reason made me feel really pleased, and I am glad that after all the years of saying I would write this story down, I am. Hopefully I will make all the way to the end.
It's odd, since I have been writing regularly, I haven't had the same intense drive all day long to get things done. This may sound like a contradiction to what I have been writing all these weeks, and it feels like it may be hard to explain, but I'll try. Everyday, at the end of the day by writing this blog, I accomplish something that I thought I would have given up on long ago (like the second or third day in!). Before that I ached to have something to show for my time, some kind of voice or statement and instead of quenching that desire I coupled it with inactivity which left me feeling doubly unaccomplished. Now because I have been keeping track of what I have been up to, I have been actively doing more and writing this every day keeps me on task. Even though I haven't changed the world significantly, I have kept to my word, and I feel doubly accomplished. I have noticed that every little bit counts, when I am counting it, and now, even though it is itchy and uncomfortable because I am saying it out loud, I am counting.
I am off to bed, tomorrow will no doubt be another rainy day and I will have to work HARD to combat the call of the covers. Just kidding, I have a really full day tomorrow, and I am tired now, so goodnight!
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| B.C. rose |
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