Day Forty-Seven, Happy Halloween on Friday Night

A grey and rainy day, but not in our hearts and daily efforts. We were up early and off to a Student of the Month breakfast for a belated celebration of Primo's achievement last month. It was sweet, he was called up by his teacher and she said nice things about him while he blushed and looked bashful. Afterwards  TR and I drive home together, the rain had just started and the car was pelted with fat, heavy raindrops that made satisfying splatting sounds as they smacked against the windshield. I do love rain when it's not too cold. It feels mysterious and wild and cleansing.

Halloween was a bit odd this year, it was clear the kids felt in between, they dressed up a bit, Primo made a beautiful fox mask from paper and Prima was Wednesday Addams. But there wasn't the months of panning and assembling like previous years, and they did the rounds without us. We went to a party in the neighborhood we always go trick-or-treating in and the kids disappeared as soon as we got there and came back about an hour later, ready to go. the growing up is to be expected but with each new stage, I am taken by surprise anyway. And I can still so clearly remember those ages when I went through them, it's a peculiar feeling seeing someone else move through the same time frame I travelled through but at a different point in time. That is the state of life, I suppose, time is not static.

Once again so many thoughts churning in my head and as I sit to write this, I am tired or distracted and find all those thoughts have suddenly settled to the bottom of my brain. So as a check in, not much forward movement on projects but lots of happy relationship moments, with family and friends, success in my day today lies in that. Tomorrow lots of excitement built around Primo's first real date, planned by his sister and her friend, a kind of blind date, but he kind of knows the girl. But for now, bed.

Goodnight!

Next year's Halloween costume?

Day Forty Six, Thursday Night!

I had this sudden, weird thought that somewhere in the forties of this blog, I had spelled it 'fourty' and I will readily admit that I just went back and checked to make sure I hadn't. So far so good.

A quieter day than yesterday, I had planned on doing bunches of stuff in the cottage, and I truly had every intention of attacking it as soon as I returned form The Morning Drop Off. But here's the thing, Mr. Nibs was in the back yard eating something that made him throw up buckets yesterday. I have no idea what he got into but I spent a good portion of my day washing dog bedding, because he was apparently only overcome with hyperemesis when in one of the crates. So I made some crazy dog obstacles across the stairs so he couldn't gain access to the back back (as we call it). But that meant my access was limited too, so when I got home and remembered what I would have to work through, over and around to get to the cottage, I gave up and went back downstairs. Instead I practiced ukelele.  Turns out all my barrier creating was for naught, as soon as I left him in the new mini yard, without supervision, he hopped the terraces and away he went to gobble up more doggie ipecac.

So I puttered, did dishes, tidied little things here and there, and then I practiced for about an hour. It was really nice to be able to play and just concentrate on it, not feel embarrassed at what a beginner I am or worry that I may be interrupting someone doing something else. After that I went to the dentist to have my gums lasered (it actually smelled REALLY bad, like burnt stuff) which didn't hurt as much as the shot of novocaine I received. After the dentist, I went on a forbidden excursion.

A few days ago I was informed by a letter in the mail that my favorite yarn store is closing down and the pre-sale would be starting today (apparently it really started Monday) so I quietly slipped down there to see what deals could be had. Everything was 20% off. So not much of a sale, but I still poked around for an hour, looking and examining everything that seemed remotely interesting. In the end I bought nothing. I just couldn't justify spending more money on yarn, when I have so much unused yarn as it is. I know that I will have every intention of using it but when it comes down to it, I will still have it 10 years later. I wasn't tempted by the notions or anything at all. I did keep going to my favorite cashmere yarn, but it's so expensive that 20% off makes it expensive instead of REALLY expensive. So no new yarn, and I was really glad I came home empty handed, but also glad I checked it out.

Primo and I finished digging out the buried spot in the back yard and we had a really good time doing it. We finally got a good rhythm going and it seemed to fly by, until my back started hurting, and then I wanted to give up altogether, but we pushed through and now we are ready for the next step. YAY!

Besides that there were some odd parts of the day, a gas leak somewhere in the west end of town shut the High School down and I had six messages from the school continuing to keep me informed on the status. A little surreal. FM came home with Prima again today and that was sweet, they made Irish brown bread, and Halloween costumes. I do love seeing her be engaged with things, and the bread is so tasty! We had pho for dinner which is Primo's favorite and it seemed to make him really happy to choose dinner.

Now I am exhausted and so ready to snuggle down in my marshmallow bed and snooze away. Goodnight.

California Crab

Day Forty Five, Wednesday Afternoon and Into the Night

Sometimes life seems as if I am living in a dream. Here I sit, scruffy little girl from the deep woods in Alaska, eating lunch from a Limoges luncheon plate, in my own house in a neighborhood I never thought I would own a house in, two little decorative dogs at my feet. How did I get here, so far away from where I started. Not completely refined but definitely with the roughness sanded down around the edges. I would never claim to be genteel, but I do believe that I can slip between nicer society and the wildness of my beginnings. I do go get pedicures, but I rarely brush my hair (I do NOT have tangly, dreadlocked hair though), I have grown up to be not one or the other, but picking and choosing from all sides of life. How fortunate for me that I am not stuck in any one place. Kind of. I know I rant on and on about being stuck with clutter and possessions and chaos, but this is a funny different thing. It's where I belong in the order of things and I think that the reason I am who I am is because I belong everywhere and anywhere.

That thought struck me as I was eating lunch, waiting for the appraise to come, it may or may not be true now, but it was true when I wrote it.

A whirlwind day of cleaning and clearing, starting with the second donation station drop off in as many days. I got rid of things I usually cling to, pillows, a quilt, things I usually hang on to because I might need them in the future. I might have an unexpected one never knows. But the name of the game is keep what you need and cannot replace, and since the cottage is so full of stuff, there is no room for guests anyway. I was surprised at how much I did get done before I had to go down and wait for the appraiser. The back deck was covered with tree litter, so I cleared that away and put the folding tables outside. I stacked bins and sorted stuff, I vacuumed and cleared the big room enough so it looks like an actual room and not the outer edge of a cyclone.

After Primo came home from school we spent some more time on digging out the back yard, it's coming along nicely, and even if it's not finished tomorrow or Friday, it will get done for sure. It is satisfying to see things move forward. I think if I have time tomorrow, I will measure the cottage windows and see if it's possible to replace hem without too much hassle.

Yay, Canada is green on my stat map again, welcome back Canada!

It was such a lovely day with lots of movement towards completion on my projects, and I spent time with each member of my family in different and enjoyable ways, digging out the yard with Primo, grocery shopping with Prima and her friend FM, a lively and happy dinner with everyone including FM, watching nostalgic music videos with TR while the girls made cookies and Primo did homework. It was altogether full and fulfilling and I am in a happy place.

Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment and then I plan on working up in the cottage some more. As soon as I get pictures uploaded onto my computer, I will start posting progress photos. And I think I need to move forward with painting the kitchen. TR left out the painting bin, so maybe all I need to do is buy paint and primer. I may do the bathroom at the same time, I think it's all primed and ready to be painted. Quite a lot to think about and keep me busy!

So in the original scheme of things, I only have 2 1/2 weeks left (I seem to have used creative math when calculating my original amount of time!). I still haven't heard from my ex-boss even after we spoke at the work site, and as I am officially NOT employed there anymore, I am not planning on returning on the 18th. I feel free and glad that I am not obligated to sacrifice myself for "the good of the team" when my co-worker never did and has been given no consequences for that. Perhaps I should let that timeline drive my efforts, just in case, but as of now I have a little wiggle room!

That's all, goodnight!

big things have small beginnings

Day Forty-Four, Tuesday Night Encore

The title only has the word encore because it rhymed, just incase anyone was wondering. Also, I have over 350 page views on this blog (on this blog, for this blog at this blog? What is the correct way to say that?!?), not that I'm exactly counting, and I know that doesn't mean it was read each time, I'm sure (have I said this before?) people end up here and think WTF, why am I here?!! But it does please me in a funny little way to see that number slowly creeping up. Should I be surprised that the day with the most views was the day I posted and entry with a vague biblical reference? And, hey Canada, I can tell you're not reading, the green on my stat map is fading : (. Okay done with that.

So this whole blog started as an accountability tool to keep me on task while I was on leave. But now that I'm unemployed, it seems to have turned into something else, but I am not sure what, and I did decide to continue just because I committed to eight weeks, but what to write?

Tonight I have to mention what WE accomplished, because it was pretty nifty. I texted LS pictures of the new couch, and she texted me back some suggestions about quick changes that would make a big difference. We implemented some of them and she was right. The living room looks much better, maybe not as spacious as I wish it were, buy surely tidier and we moved the giant movie poster from one wall to another, swapping it with a smaller one and it really opened the room up. I went and got new pillow cases for the old, tired pillows and it freshened everything up a bit. I also moved tons of stuff into the basement and our bedroom looks much less cluttered, so, yay! The house is looking better as a whole.

The cottage, on the other hand, looks like someone picked it up, shook it up, and set it back down again. I stacked up all the bins that I could in the closet, but the main room is sadly over filled and remember when I said that I was going to tackle it? Well I hope the appraisal person understands that I am in the middle of a MAJOR PROJECT up there! Did I mention that this flurry of activity is the result of an appraisal that is happening tomorrow? I have been super crabby all day and I think it's because of that.

I'm not sure if I mentioned that TR bought me a present (though I presented the credit card to the cashier all by myself!) on Sunday. I picked out, and he agreed to a beautiful little baritone ukelele. If I did mention it, please pardon the repetition, if I didn't mention it yet, he did, and I love it. It sounds so pretty and it's my very own, though as with everything, it's shared with everyone. I told him I wanted to learn "Dream a Little Dream Of Me" and he trotted right downstairs and found sheet music he has for it. Today he printed out chord paper for the ukelele and transcribed it all down so I can learn to play it. We have had two practice sessions so far, and I am definitely a beginner but I can at least make the chord changes for the first bit, and it made me feel so cherished that her would do that for me.

We had the funnest evening as a family too, TR played a video of one of Prima's fave singers and that started a whole video viewing session. We watched all kids of music videos, old, new, all fun to watch together and laugh and sing along and generally enjoy ourselves together. It was so nice. I will say that I do love my family, and I really enjoy the time we spend together.

I don't think I have anything deep or clever to talk about tonight, I think I'm nervous about tomorrow, so I will head off to bed and let the predictable mystery of Brother Cadfael lull me to sleep, goodnight.

Swan at the Palace of Fine Arts

Day Forty-Three, Monday Night Number Seven?

Already the beginning of the seventh week? It feels as if time has flown by and I'm not certain if I have been actively setting goals now that seems that I don't have a job to return to. I did accomplish some interesting and possibly meaningful milestones today.

First accomplishment was cleaning out the two "junk" drawers in the kitchen. I have been wanting to to this for quite some time, it may have even been on a list in an earlier post of this blog. It seemed the space could be put to a better use than a dumping grounds for all things homeless in the house (that seems to be a statement that disagrees with itself!) and I cleaned all the clutter out and threw it away. Then I organized an office drawer and a utility drawer. Now we can find tape and the stapler as well as be free of supply bins in the living room!

Today Primo started a biggish, paid job for us. We offered him a substantial amount of money to dig out a part of the patio that was covered up when TR built the new rock wall in the back. He came home from school and started on it, I did come out and help a bit after he found a pipe that I forgot was under the dirt, and I think it's a gas line to the cottage. So I supervised and it was boring just standing watching him, so I dug and filled the buckets a couple of times and he carried the dirt down to the front yard. I have been wanting to dig that area out for so long, but I didn't know what to do wiht he dirt. I can't believe that I haven't really talked it over with TR before, he knew exactly what to do, and Primo is totally motivated to earn a bunch of money, he has a date this weekend and needs the cash! So I feel really satisfied that the project is finally set in motion.

I dropped off refi papers to the Mortgage Man and looked into getting Prima's nose pierced again (she let the first one close because she couldn't get it to heal properly). She was really happy with the place we found (thanks goes out to CM, our partner in all things equestrian) and the young man we spoke with was pierced and stretched and all kinds of exotic things were happening on his face, which kind of intimidated me, but he was really nice and seemed genuinely interested in helping us out.

It was a productive day of sorts but I am feeling blue now and I know why but I cannot divulge the reason except to say it's irrational and if it really bothers me that much, it is within my power to change it but I know I won't and it makes me really sad.

TR, on the other hand, makes me really happy and when I dropped my head against his chest and told him what had made me so sad he told me he likes me best of all and I remembered that I live where someone (more than one I think) loves me best of all, and Prima made dinner with TR tonight and it was delicious and fun and we had a great time being a family tonight. So there is always that to think about if I am feeling a little blue.

I still haven't started that book I resolved to write a few entries back, though I have had dozens of ideas, one super science fiction one that I hope I really will write, because I want to see how it ends.

My brain is refusing to focus on one idea long enough to write it down, goodnight!

Roscommon Castle, Roscommon Town, Co. Roscommon

Day Forty-Two, In Which We Find The Meaning To Life, The Universe and Everything on Sunday Night

I couldn't pass up a reference to 42, but of course I am still searching for the question that leads to the answer of 42, and when I find that, I will have found everything!

After a long dry spell of no sewing or completion of really any project, knitting, jewelry, mosaic (I still have a vase that I started easily 5 years ago in the works) I went up to the cottage and made TT a baby blanket. The baby shower was today and we were about 45 minutes late because I was finishing it, but I did it and I made myself push through all the negative editing I was doing in my head while I was starting it, and I did not let my fear of failure make me stop at any point. And I think she really liked it. So maybe I can start up again and remind myself that it's okay to do my best and if that's not perfect, that's okay too.

It will be a short entry tonight, but I do want to say this, tonight's photo is a photo of true love, and this is why: I was raised by a woman who had very strict rules about other people's gardens. Any blossom or pretty plant in someone else's garden was strictly off limits, looking was acceptable, encouraged even, but touching was not allowed. Yesterday TR and I walked by a gardenia bush at a restaurant and I was yearning for one of the blossoms, their scent reminds me so much of my mother and grandmother. I told him playfully that I was going to pick one when we went back to the car, but I knew I wouldn't do it. After our meal, as we walked back to the car, he boldly walked up to the bush and plucked one beautiful, fragrant flower and gave it to me. That is true love.

given with love

Day Forty-One, Saturday Night (Fever)

No I don't have a fever, I'm feeling ever so much better than yesterday, and I did all the things I had planned on doing today which pretty much included dropping Prima off at our friends' house and going with TR to his gig at the music-store-anniversary-fête.

Both of us parents took Prima to her date (she got to go on an overnight with our family friends to a spa) and we had a lovely visit and coffee withe them, we don't see them too often, though the girls get together regularly. It was nice to be able to sit and visit for a little bit.

When we got home, TR prepared for his band event and I puttered around the house (really I tried on every outfit I own, cursed them all before I put on my same-old-thing-I-wear-everyday outfit) until it was time to go. We got there just in time and got to hear some of the other musicians play. The weather was beautiful, it had rained fairly heavily in the night and into the morning, but by the time the event was happening the sun came out, the air was full of moisture and the sky was full of cotton candy clouds. It was a beautiful day for an alfresco performance. We finished it off with a sushi dinner at a restaurant we have been dining at for 25 years, but only recently discovered as a fab sushi place. Too bad we live so far away from it, but maybe it's a good thing we're not closer...

On the way home the sky was spectacular, enough so that I actually pulled out my phone and took photos through the windshield, something I never do ( the taking photos part, not the through the windshield part, and TR was driving, just in case anyone was worried!). We chatted about the day and  all it had shown us and were just crossing the bridge, when I noticed what I thought were swans at first but upon closer scrutiny, I realized they were white pelicans. All siting on the water, dipping in for their dinner. They were so beautiful, I can't believe how lucky I was to have seen them. When I am in the world and it shows me so many beautiful things, one after another, I realize I am fortunate to exist on this wondrous and fantastic planet.

With all this "free time" on my hands for the past few days, while I've been sick, I have been deeply pondering life, the universe, and everything as I am wont to do. I keep thinking I need a bigger house, that I am suffocating in this tiny and cluttered house. TR has been exploring solutions with me whenever I lament to him and has been very patient with what I am sure comes across as complaining about everything. I watched a documentary yesterday about people that live in teeny tiny houses, 85-150 square feet tiny. I spent some time thinking about possessions and the hold they have on us. About how shopping makes me feel productive, as if I have accomplished something because I have bustled around gathering needed things together and brought them all home. I know that I cannot keep time from slipping from today into tomorrow by holding material reminders close to me. The boxes of baby clothes I have in the basement don't keep my children's childhood from escaping me, time gathers it up and turns it into adolescence and then it will turn into adulthood and what came before will always be a part of them and a part of me no matter what baby shoes I have to remind me of those tiny kids I held and loved and cared for. I know it will take a great deal of self control to let those things go, but I feel that I am ready to let go of the burden of taking care of things that do not care about me.

TR and I started talking about what our future could hold and I am eager to look into that further and perhaps start planning an adventure of some kind. It seems that I have been so engrossed in motherhood, I haven't really thought about what would come when the kiddos are off to college and ready to start shaping their own lives. I may be getting a little ahead of myself, Primo isn't even out of middle school, but I never really have lived intentionally, I feel that I she always  taken life as it unfolded in front of me, maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to try planning for once.

We also watched a documentary about the Higgs boson particle, which was really interesting and I wonder why there isn't a branch of philosophical physics. Not like in the movie "What The Bleep Do We Know" but something that combines the eternal why with the explanation of science. Maybe it is out there and I haven't encountered it yet. But it seems to me that some of the theories that theoretical physicists come up with are pretty far outside the realm of common thought, and that's what philosophy is. Maybe that's what Asimov was illustrating with psychohistory, though that seemed to be more along the lines of statistics combined with behavioral sciences.

Anyway that's more than I want to ponder on right now, it's really late and I haven't been this active in several days. Time for bed and a good night's sleep! Goodnight.

The view

on the freeway

as we drive home.

Day Forty, No Floods Seen on Friday Night

Kind of funny that this is my fortieth entry and it's supposed to rain tomorrow night. I know the rain was supposed to be OVER after the forty days and nights passed, but I am still amused by the connection.

I am still sick, I did nothing today but chat with my mom and watch a movie that has planted yet another seed of wondering in my head. I am anxious to start back to what I was doing before I got sick and if my follower is reading this entry, I am ready to purge if you are willing to assist!

My head hurts so much, I can't believe it's not going to burst open, it must be sinus pressure from the cold, but my neck hurts too and I can't think of anything eloquent or profound to write about or even anything except how much my head hurts. So I am going to bed and hopefully tomorrow will bring a better feeling day.

Goodnight.

Rockman by Primo

Strandhill, Co. Sligo

Day Thirty-Nine, Thursday Night

Another sick day, I did manage to go to the dentist, I bet they'll be hating that in a day or two. I did do my carpool duty but Prima stayed home so I didn't have High School duty, and tomorrow I have foisted the Friday morning drop off on TR, who always has my back. One observation, the biggest bummer about being sick after how lousy I feel, is all the work that awaits my recovery. Oh well, at least I don't have to be anxious about missing work!

This is really just a check in, to say I haven't missed a day, hopefully tomorrow will be better. Good nighty-night.

healing blossoms in St. James's Park

Day Thirty-Eight, We're Not Feeling Great on Wednesday Night!

Ugh, a sick day all around, the kids were home, TR stayed home, we all sat and did nothing but recuperate all day. But since I got the bug after everyone else, I am getting progressively worse while everyone is getting better. Yuck, and yuck, I do not want to be sick, no I don't.

Needless to say (but I will anyway) I didn't really get anything done today. We did iron out some details on the refi we're currently engaged in, and I signed on to be the Middle School representative at the Middle School Fair taking place at ex-work. So that sums up my progress for the day, little or none. Watch out tomorrow I'm coming atcha!

Goodnight for tonight.

possibility

Day Thirty-Seven Tuesday Morning, Elevenses

It's not my grandmother's house, but it is her tablecloth, her berry bowl and her great-granddaughter sitting with me. As much as she is gone, she is right here with me, her eyes peer back out at me from any mirror I look into. She is imprinted in my DNA and my memories and I carry her everywhere with me. I am sitting, not on her lanai, but in my garden where her spirit floats among plants she loved so much.

Today is a lovely day, the sun shining, the playful breezes dancing around my ankles and at the back of my neck. The dogs lingering at our feet, wondering what happened to bring us out of the house to sit in the fresh air and sunshine. The garden is crowded with stalks of purple stars, that came from the Berkeley House via CC's house and were brought to Mama from the wild by a neighbor in Berkeley. The neighborhood bees are buzzing contentedly around the purple stars gathering what food is left before the winter sets in and their short but busy lives are over.

I have been in that very dissatisfied place in my heart lately. I can see how much it distresses TR and often I am able to count my blessings and move on. Lately not so much, but today I feel different, and though I started crabby and griping at life, I have found a spot of sun to sit in and let it replenish me. I can hear my Mama's words in my head, reminding me that even though I can't take my whole journey in one step, I shouldn't stop walking, I should just keep taking one step everyday if that's all I can take. If I cam travel further, do it, but don't give up. So here I am writing this blog earlier, just like I keep saying I am going to, and I will head up to the cottage to sort through stuff again (of course it rained yesterday with all the stuff I had put out sitting in the elements). I guess if I really want change I will make it, and if I h=am happy whining about it, I should at least cop to that.

I am going to go do two things now, first I am going to spend at LEAST two hours working on the cottage, then I am going to spend at LEAST two hours in the working garden. These tasks are easily as valid as housekeeping, and need to be done.

Ha, and HA, I so did not spend two hours in the cottage or the garden, instead we made lunch together and then ran errands, Costco, Starbo,and picking the mandarin up from the fix-it-up-chappy at the dealership. I thought about my resolution but somehow the day slipped through my fingers and instead of holding true to those intentions, I flew away on the wings of spontaneity and a sunny autumn day.

It was a lovely day at that, and after errands were done outside the house, I picked the veggie box up on the way home and spent a little time chatting with friends at ex-work, where I ran into the ex-boss. I was so surprised to see him but that's so silly, he practically lives there, it's just that I haven't seen him on a veggie box day yet. It was funny, he said he missed me and I made a snarky remark about being fired. He kept saying we would figure something out and I should call him, we should talk. I ended it by saying, "you know how to find me". The funny thing is that when I ran into SS a little later and she referred to me by my FULL name, I was so relieved not to be a part of that whole thing anymore. The extra money is nice, but I really enjoy having my life full of the intentions I create and invite, instead of being forced to endure the juvenile behavior and delusions of someone else. I think I'm all done with that. Mr. Ex-Boss said, "it's the 15th, right?" about my planned return date. The 15th alright, the 15th of hell freezing over! (pardon my French, and by the way, is that offensive to French people?).

It's nice to know how I feel about that, I so rarely know exactly the just-right decision for me, but when I do, I really do, and it always feels so peaceful and even in my heart. Going back and re-reading what I wrote this morning, I feel the warm sun shining on me and can hear the laughter of my beloved daughter and husband as we chat in the garden, our voices carrying up on the breezes to be caught in the tops of the trees that stand like sentinels all around us. I feel I understand JD's father's explanation of creating an atmosphere to enjoy life from. It does nurture a kind of peacefulness in one's spirit to be in a space one enjoys and feels at ease in. Maybe that's the whole issue with the house. One thing TR and I talked about was my frustration with such a small kitchen. As I mentioned yesterday he suggested I just start cooking it the one we have. Well I did do yesterday, and it was marvelous, and today was the same. He and I invented a delicious soup for dinner and I used up some pantry supplies I was just feeling guilty about, to supplement the soup. It was gratifying in so many ways, the time we spent together, using up food we have already paid for and brought into our house, hearing the exclamations of the children as the tasted what we made, enjoying the dinner all together without the distractions of a restaurant. it was very good indeed. So maybe I need to really sit quietly and listen to my heart and find out what I am REALLY craving. Maybe it isn't what I think it is at all.

Tomorrow is supposed to be a painting day, I still haven't done my prep work, but we'll do what we can and go from there, one step every day

, right? So looking at tonight's picture, think about the first paragraph, it's the beginning and the end of today's entry. Which WAS started much. much earlier, just as I hoped it would be.

silent sunbeams

quiet garden dreams

Day Thirty-Six, Monday Night 6x6

I'm pretty sure this is the 6th Monday (okay I will admit it, I just went back and counted to be sure!) that I have been free from ex-work. I still haven't heard from my ex-boss and everyday that carries me away from that employment, I feel less inclined to go back. I know that I have said that before, and it is still true and getting stronger and stronger everyday.

So it seems that I have all but given up the list making. I haven't done it for days, and I mean really, I haven't made one and failed to record it, I just haven't made one up at all. I chalked today up as a wash before it even started because I was having brekkie with TT and I figured we would eat until close to pick up time for the High Schoolers. We did and I decided to stop into the Mortgage Man's office to inform him of my updated employment status. It didn't really leave me much time to do anything else before grabbing the kids, or so I thought. As I was meandering home, I remembered that TJ's is close to the pick up point for the kids, so I went grocery shopping. It turned out to be a great plan, I had enough time to shop and be on time for the kids (there were 5!) and Prima and I made a kind of spontaneous bolognese for dinner, which was delicious, and we made the whole thing up. We used up the sweet batard I bought  for the weekend dinner we never made, and she made a delicious burrata and tomato salad. It was wonderful, and I enjoyed cooking so much with her. I also attempted macarons earlier in the day, which didn't come put perfectly, but I did it without a stand mixer and didn't give up when the sifting methods I tried didn't work.

This whole long description of the day ties into a discussion TR and I had yesterday. I kept telling him that I was sad because our house is so small and cluttered and he was trying so hard and lovingly to help me find solutions to the problem, but all I could see was the problem. One of his solutions was that if I wanted to cook fabulous concoctions, I should just do it instead of fussing about what I don't have. Well he was right, When I decided to make the macarons, I almost gave up several times, but I kept reminding myself that it didn't really matter if I succeeded, at least I tried. Even up to the point that I realized that I was supposed to let them sit for an hour before baking. I had to go to the vet, and drop kids off and pick TR up. So I just left them to sit until I got back. And they didn't turn out half bad. TR was absolutely right, and after I did these simple things, I was able to find my way back into joy and contentment in my household. We even had a family brainstorming season at dinner on how to help Primo remember to keep ALL of his grades up. It was a wonderful evening, the kind of evening that makes me feel glad to have been born and to have lived the life I have lived so far, because it brought me here, right now.

With that, goodnight (tomorrow, I really am going to try to start earlier).

Clonmacnoise, Ireland

Day Thirty-Five, Sunday Night

I started out the day with every intention of working on the cottage. As I was walking up the stairs past the main house, I got caught on a bramble growing over from the neighbor's yard. I was cursing them in my head when I realized that I don't have to let their bushes and brambles grow over my fence into my walkway. I grabbed a handy pair of clippers and started hacking back. TR came out to help me cut the high boughs I couldn't reach and after a while the walkway was cleared and I set in on sweeping up the back patio. I kept at it for a couple of hours and the side and back are clean and cleared and feel open and tidy. It is always such a relief to me when our space is tidy and open. I feel I can somehow breathe easier, that I can take bigger breaths and fill my body with oxygen.

I never did make it to the cottage, after lunch we headed to the hardware store to pick up some fix-it supplies. We found, not everything we were looking for, but did get some of the needed supplies, washers to fix the shower, buckets to haul dirt, clippers to cut big branches and a New Guinea Impatiens in shocking pink to put on the plant stand by the front door. Not orange like Grandma's but a remembrance of her anyway. We patched a spot on the roof we hope will fix the leak that has been plaguing us. TR fixed the shower handle as best he could. I carried some of the donation station stuff downstairs and did the yard cleanup I mentioned earlier. It was a busy and productive day and I think we have both earned a good night's rest!

Primo had his last fall ball of the season, and I saw him run downfield and assist a goal, the last goal of the scrimmage. It was fun to watch, and I think he was proud of himself. I think he is really starting to understand effort and how it relates to skill and talent.

So I am off to tuck my kids into a LATE bedtime and go to sleep myself. Goodnight!

Going with Moomintroll again and thinking of TD!

Day Thirty-Four, Plain Jane Saturday Night

Opening remark, I have always wished my name was Jane, and once my, mostly absent, father told me that was what he wanted to call me (which pleased me immensely). I used to use it as a pseudonym when I was teaching, I would tease the kids that I had changed my name and they should call me Miss Jane from then forward. I held onto that for so long and then, when Prima and Primo were old enough to carry on grown-uppish conversations with me, I told them of my not-so-secret desire, and Prima responded with, "Jane (my married name)? That would be an unfortunate name." She is absolutely right, it is a lucky thing that my mother went with her father-in-law's choice.

Today was a whopper. I started in the basement, trying to make some sense and order of all the possessions we have kept safely down there. I lasted about a half an hour. I moved some shelves from one side of the big room to the blank space the piano left, I put some towels on one shelf, surveyed the chaos and scuttled out of there. I then decided that I would try up in the cottage. I trekked up, I hired Primo to carry up boxes I didn't want to deal with, I took a deep breath and dove in. I worked for several hours, sorting what to keep, what to put in a yard sale, and what to donate. I was really trekking through it and I broke for lunch. After eating a smorgasbord lunch of leftovers (which Is a good thing on many levels of responsibility AND tastiness) I made myself head back up to carry on. After a while I wanted to rip my eyes out. I cannot believe how much STUFF we have up there, Packed away in boxes, bags and bins, stacked up, piled up tucked away to be used later. I felt that I would be buried in an avalanche of possessions. As I sorted through things trying to decide what deserved to be saved and what should  be moved on, all I could think of was that the more stuff we pile up in our (very little) house, the less room there is for us to live.

And so I find myself back in the same rut I always find myself in. Bound to my belongings and simultaneously repelled by them, I cannot seem to find the balance between possessions, self control and space. I am constantly trying to pare down and yet every purchase I make is completely justified. I find myself yearning for a bigger house, a space that has a place for everything. A gathering place, a work place a craft place, a relaxing place, and storage for everything to be put neatly away so it can be found whenever it is needed. I have been longing for this for so long, and with every year that we don't find that place, I fear that it will never happen. I am resigned to living in a space that does not accommodate the things I so wish for.

What did occur to me while I was cleaning out upstairs, was that even though I can't make it to The Badger's Den (named for all the badgers we've never seen nearby) to fix it up, I can blog fixing up the cottage in my back yard. So today is the start (10/18/2014) and I did take pictures, though I left the camera upstairs and haven't uploaded the pictures today (that will be my blog accountability for tomorrow). I will keep working on the project until I have some noticeable difference. Hopefully it will make it cozy and nice up there and it will turn into a space that we use for living in, rather than just storing stuff we don't even remember we have. Also Mama is coming tomorrow to help me paint the kitchen wall. That will be a great thing!

At this point, I kind of wish I had tons of loyal, interested readers because I would love to have input and advice (though I may not follow it, it's nice to have that dialog going on during a project) about this endeavor. And with that mention, I have exceeded 300 page views as of today! I do wonder, who's looking?

So goodnight, that's all there is tonight!

Alaskan rose in California

Day Thirty-Three and 1/3 (That Would Actually Be Some Time Tomorrow), Friday Night

Aaaarrrghhh!!!! Primo keeps on using my computer with sticky fingers, no matter how many times I tell him to wash his hands first, and the finger pad is all sticky. I have spent about 10 minutes trying to unstick it but apparently he used some kind of super-stick-non-cleanable-polymer that I will never get off. Yuck!

Today was the tour at the High School. I was so nervous and I was afraid that I had given a sub-par tour, but the parents all seemed happy and left smiling, one dad told me he was sold and couldn't wait for his daughter to start. Okay, so I knew all the families but one, I was worried about disappointing them regardless. I am hoping that my enthusiasm and excitement for the school shone through and they were able to see how satisfied I am as a parent at the school.

I basically spent the whole day before pick-up there. I grabbed Prima and her friend, MC and we got lunch at the corner restaurant. Then I headed back into the school for a meeting with the Head of Discipline, regarding an incident that happened to Prima in class. As usual I left feeling happy with the way it would be handled and I collected my girl and took her to pick up and drop off the Middle Schoolers with me and then to the barn.

I need to change gears, this is NOT going to be a play by play of the day. That would be incredibly redundant for me. But I will sum up the day like this: it was some up, some down, but mostly happy.. Seeing friends on the tour ( I received the best group hug from the 5th graders!) lunching with my child, which I adore, family night with TR and Prima (Primo is having a sleepover), great conversations with LS, all in all it was a great day.

Now, what to write next?  I have mentioned in the blog that I intend to write a book. Maybe I need a plan, because whenever I think about it, it seems like such a huge project, I shrink away from it. Maybe I just need a theme and to run with it. I think what I will do to start is to set aside an hour or two each morning to work on it. Whether that means fleshing out ideas, or writing like a fiend, that time will be dedicated to writing and that's all.

I wish I had something soulful and insightful to put down now, but my brain seems to be in slightly-sarcastic-cynical-snark mode, so maybe it's best to sign off and check in with my sweetheart for a little replenishing of faith-in-the-good-in-the-world. Also I am about to change the password on this computer in the hopes that I don't keep finding it with the battery run down and sticky finger pad and keyboard. Time to set some boundaries? No, no, I mean yes, yes it IS time to set boundaries. Gooooodnight!

shells on a stone, Inis Mór

Day Thirty-Two, Thursday Night, Plain and Simple

First I must mention that I am writing this up on TR's home computer, I feel like I am writing in the lap of luxury, the keys light up, I can see so clearly!! Oaky, that's mentioned, onwards...

I noticed that I have developed a routine with this blog. I go through my email, find the icon that takes me to blogger, look at the stats, roll the cursor over the little mountain tops that indicate the day's number of views. After I have done that for a minute or two, I always go to the page that lists all the posts, to make sure that I am giving the post the correct number in the title. I don't know why I get so much pleasure watching the cursor roll over the mountain tops. The same numbers pop up each time, I think the highest number so far is 8 views in one day. Besides TR, LS (who is my one subscriber, yay!), CC, and my mother, I don't know who else in the world would be reading this (I feel the need to interject that despite fabulous, light up keys my typing skills remain the same, poor at best. In fact I think they are a little worse as I seem to be slightly mesmerized by the pretty lights.). Maybe no one, maybe they have only happened on this funny spot on the internet by accident and they quickly navigate away after realizing they have stumbled into the wrong room. This last sentence makes me want to tell a story, and since it is my blog, I will.

Once upon a time, many, many years ago, two sisters travelled together by train to a medieval city in Italy. It was rainy season, the skies were merciless and the sisters were forced to re-board the train and travel on to the next stop on their itinerary, Florence. They wandered from the train station wide eyed with wonder at the seemingly ancient buildings that crowded together at the streets edge, as if they were custodians of the city peering down upon passers by to make sure that no skulduggery was taking place. They consulted their guide book and chose a Pensione that seemed wildy romantic enough to fit in with their idea of Florence and all it should be. They spent several days poking around the city, in a and out of shops, sitting for hours in front of art masterpieces they had seen for so long in books, and were shocked at how much more breathtaking those same works of art were when viewed in person. The story that I will tell of that visit takes place one one rainy night.

They were caught in a deluge, the skies opened with no warning and let all the water they were holding down at once. They ran through the raindrops to the first doorway they found and it happened to be a restaurant, which suited them as it was dinner time and they were starved. The doorway was low, wide, and arched. It was the color of sun shining on a wheat field and when they ducked into it, it led down a light filled corridor to a bustling dining room. They asked the host if they might find a table for two available, and he looked at the wet girls doubtfully but spied a table at the back that could seat four and told them if they didn't mind sharing he would allow them to sit there. They readily agreed and were escorted to the table where they gratefully shed their wet coats and sank into their chairs. The waiter was a friendly young man who didn't speak much english (the sisters spoke NO Italian), but didn't seem bothered by the communication gap and served them with a cheerful demeanor that made them feel welcome and well taken care of. About fifteen minutes after they had been seated a couple was shown to the remaining two seats at the table. They were American and the girls could not help overhearing the conversation. In fact after a bit, the girls completely stopped conversing with each other because they were unable to stop themselves from eavesdropping on the couple. It turned out the couple were newly weds, and from the moment they sat down, it was clear the new, young wife was in charge, of everything. She spoke about how much she loved Florence, that her parents had insisted they honeymoon there because they knew how much it meant to her. She told him about all her favorite places they would be visiting, and she told him how she loved the restaurant they were eating at, she was a regular when she visited Florence and they loved her there. Well not the waiter. Each time he came to the table at her request, his face was a little sourer when he left. Either her Italian was horribly bad or she was just rude to him generally. All the while he remained, kind and sweet when serving the sisters. Towards the end of the meal, he brought around a bowl of grated parmesan cheese and graciously communicated to the sisters what it was and did they want any? They thankfully accepted his offer, and after serving them he started back to the kitchen, As he was turning away the new, young wife called after him, demanding that she and her husband be served cheese as well. He about faced, smiled at the sisters as he marched by and with a venomous look, practically threw the bowl down as he passed the couple and just kept on walking. The sisters watched open-mouthed, and at the end of the meal, generously tipped the young man who had taken such good care of them even though they were two bedraggled girls masquerading as worldy travelers. Which was a huge lesson in you get what you give. The two girls enjoyed every minute of their visit to Florence and there are many more stories of the wonderful adventure they had.

That wasn't at all what I planned for today, but that's what happened to come out of my head and my fingers, so there it is. I have to go to bed now, TR is almost sound asleep. So goodnight!

This photo is chosen because I am giving a tour of the High School tomorrow, I am nervous!

P.S. I must give photo credit to TR, this is all him, his vision, his super-neat-home-made-tilt-shift lens. I thank him for the loan of the image, he is an amazing artist.

Day Thirty-One, What-Has-One-Month-Brought-?-Let's-Find-Out-On-A-Wednesday-Night

Tonight's report has the distinction if having the longest title of the blog...so far, who knows where this may lead? Also even though it is slightly more than a month, I thought I might take stock of what has happened so far, especially since NOTHING happened today that was constructive or productive in any way. Well that's not entirely true, TR and I did meet with the most current mortgage broker to discuss a refi that would deal with our second mortgage, and that WAS important. Particularly in the sleep-through-the-night department.

So I haven't actually read back through the blog, I am recapping from memory. One of my favorite things to do, not refer to recorded material. I did move the sideboard out, and I have dealt with almost all of the stuff from it. I still have a few bins of things like office supplies and stationary, that have no current home and I don't know what to do with. I did have the piano moved to CC's house, and although I haven't done anything with the space, it is ready to accept storage of stuff, wait, office supplies? Hmmm a solution may be forming. I did (with TR's help and support) move the OBC on, even though it was a hard decision to make and even harder to let go of it. It is done and we have already deposited the check from the clean air folks. I did go see my sister for her birthday. I did make a list most days and follow it. I did remember to pick up the veggie box every week, even though sometimes I remembered as I was driving by, on my way to or from a pick up. I did pack up the DVD's. I did arrange to sell the little couch through the home consignment shop. So while I haven't moved heaven and earth, I have dug a little hole and from there it can grow bigger.

Let's talk about today, actually let's not. It was a weird, lazy do nothing day. TR worked from home and at one point I actually turned to him and said " I don't usually sit and do nothing all day while you're at work". No momentum, no movement, a lot of sitting wondering what I should do.  Oh, I did transcribe some of the pages cut from blank books, to the computer. Finally I have started that.

I am signing off now, I started writing something and it just turned into whining. This is not a whining blog, it is an accountability blog. So good night!

After lacrosse practice, last spring.

Day Thirty, Good-Night Ruby Tuesday

Today was a day of reminders. I was reminded that I am held in the heart of people that love me, and that if I am flailing in the doldrums, I need only to stretch out my hand to find my companion in the motor boat, ready to speed me away from the rocks. I was reminded that I am blessed in more ways than I can count, but not more ways than I am deserving of. I was reminded that, though I regularly forget it, the Little Prince is absolutely correct, "...what is essential is invisible to the eye". I was reminded of how much I love Mary Poppins weather, which is when the weather blows itself into what's coming next. I was reminded how sweet friendship can be. I was reminded  of goodness, and joy and satisfaction and hope. So I am reminded of the exhilaration of the anticipation of the future.

I made no list today, having complained, to my sister, bitterly of my talent for making lists and my appalling inability to follow through on them. Admittedly I was speaking of lists that I make regarding Big House Projects, but I decided to abandon the list for today.

I felt so bleak, and so defeated, I thought I would spend the day in bed, nursing a headache and a bad case of melancholy. I don't know what jump started me, but I changed direction and called LS and poured my heart out to her. She responded with support and tenderness, enough to whisk me through the melancholy, I went for a haircut and dye job and felt completely revitalized. When asked what I wanted to do with my hair, I did tell the Haircutter Lady that I wanted a haircut that made me 25 years younger and 50 pounds lighter. I never have done that before.

Now bed time has rolled around and I am remembering that I meant to start this blog so much earlier so I could do a bit more than recap the day and scoot off to bed. I am tucked snugly into my marshmallow bed and am ready to settle down into sleepytime. LS wrote me so many wonderful things today, so many healing words of love and wisdom, perhaps we came to this life together to make sure we get through it as intact as possible. Before I sneak away to bed I want to answer two things she brought up today.

One, and first, yes, yes, and yes, we do put other people's interests and priorities in front of our own and masquerade them as ours. We find our meaning in the importance of facilitating someone else's plans, hopes or desires, and then we are bewildered at how unfulfilled we are. We feel exhausted, and dis-engaged and wonder why we keep running faster but get no further. And I applaud that you noticed what a dis-service we are doing ourselves and I will be more mindful to give my interests, hopes and dreams the same serious regard I give to others. Thank you for helping me to see that.

Second, and secondly, LS looked over Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs with me today and discovered that we have two out five of the needs well in hand, and so are not, in fact, too far off from the goal of self actualization. Though when I read the comments on the web page she sent me the URL for, I became nervous that self actualization was actually insanity, as the comments were bizarre and made no sense to me what so ever. I am hoping that is NOT the case, but I probably won't find out until I am in that state, in which case I probably won't know or care that I am crazy cakes.

And with that, I bid a good night to any and all that are reading along this odd, 8 week journey with me and say, until tomorrow, goodnight!

The most beautiful view in the world

Day Twenty-Nine, Monday Night...Again

The List:

10/13

• Sweaters wash ( no)
• Groceries - list/shop (neither)
• Kitchen counters (no)
• Blank books (no)
• Bathroom ( teensy bit)
• Sweep (vacuumed instead)
• Call about mandarin (yes)

Not a great track record for today. I seem to be in the doldrums again, floundering on windless seas in a wind driven boat. I did call about our 2nd mortgage, to find out the terms, and while not favorable, they aren't as scary as I remember them being. Though, we do need to get on it ASAP. Mostly I had an Alexander type day and I am just waiting for it to be tomorrow so I can try again.

I thought I might give this blog up, since I don't appear to have a job to go back to, it seems a little pointless now, but TR encouraged me to at least complete it for the time I had allotted to it. So I will at least do that. I also think It's time for me to seriously purge, all the craft supplies, all the stuff I NEVER, EVER use but have to clean around. It seems I am the only person in the house that hates a dirty house, so if I am the only one to be picking up, at least I won't have to contend with so much stuff.

So that's it for today, a brief check in before I slip into the fantasy of the book I am reading, so Goodnight!

Father Ted's house

Day Twenty-Eight, Go Forth Sunday Night

The fourth Sunday since I started my leave, which I can now call something else, as I have heard neither hide nor hair from Former Boss if he will fight for me to come back, and I'm still not sure what I want to do. Sometimes things happen for the best.

TR played with the banjo band at a post wedding party, and I went to watch that. It was so beautiful, a picnic in the redwoods with live music, the sun filtered through the branches of majestic trees, stretching to the sky. I sat in a circle of redwoods, sheltered by their trunks listening to my husband play music, watching a community celebrate a marriage, it was truly idyllic. I went from that to lacrosse practice, watching my boy play a lazy day of lacrosse. I was so hot all the boys seemed to be playing in slow motion. And Primo wanted to leave early. We told him if he scored, we would leave right away. He did try, and when he didn't score after a long, determined run, he went back to more reserved playing. I think he resigned himself to staying for the whole practice.

Prima is at a sleepover, no school tomorrow and everyone here is exhausted. Tomorrow I am starting this blog earlier so I'm not checking in and then just saying goodnight. I have so many things in my head I want to write down, and when I get here, I'm so tired, all I think about is closing my computer and laying down.

Thant's my plan, goodnight Gracie!

Two views from The Badger's Den

(named for all the badgers we've never seen nearby)

Day Twenty-Seven, S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night!

I have meticulously planned out clean ups for the house, for the cottage, for the basement. I have made detailed lists, bought boxes and bags to pack up STUFF that I'm not sure what to do with, I have pulled up carpet, moved boxes from one place to another. I have bought construction and DEstruction supplies. I have bought, planned anguished, hoped, cried, discussed, started, but never finished any of these projects I want to execute. These things sit on me, haunt me, oppress me until I feel I cannot move at all. I am paralyzed by the sheer volume of projects that stand before me begging to be undertaken to completion. And here I sit, phone or iPod in hand attention buried in the screen, avoiding the reality of the situation.

I started this much earlier today and it is a good thing I did, because it is almost S-U-N-D-A-Y morning! It has been a beautiful day, again so many activities it seems like several days have been squished into one. We went to a "driveway sale" that RQ invited us to. I took Prima to the barn for her lesson, she fell off the horse today. Poor girl, it was a quick event, but she replayed it in her head, questioning her skill and ability. She did get right back on though, which is good. She will be sore tomorrow, and she's off to the Boardwalk, with PMM, so that might be a bit challenging. TR worked on the coolest novelty thunder maker to use with his banjo bass. He bought an amp at the yard sale, and when we got home he and the kids took turns playing guitar. I must say that I love the music that is in our house. It may not be as trained as other families, but it is full of enjoyment and satisfaction, and isn't that what it is really about? I went to an Arbonne party at PS's house, it was really for teenage girls, but Prima had an engagement tonight with PMM so I went for a bit in her stead. It was fun, the girls were so full of giggles and interest. I got to visit with PS which I haven't done in ever so, EVER so long. We used to hang out quite a bit. I am glad we reconnected.

Now TR is finishing up a double feature movie night we are/were enjoying with Primo. A double bill with "Shanghai Noon" and Shanghai Knights". It is so fun to watch Primo enjoying a movie. He gets so giggly, and you can see the excitement build in his entire body. He squirms and laughs and squeals with delight at the funny bits. He would probably hate that description, but I think it describes him. I do love to watch his complete enjoyment of life. If I hadn't had to come up to write this, I would have fallen asleep, I am exhausted. So I will make a couple of observations and then nighty-night.

First, I want to acknowledge that even though I spend a lot of time lamenting over what I don't have or haven't done, I know I have been incredibly fortunate in life. My man is the most amazing person I have known. Creative, tender, thoughtful, dashingly handsome, sweet, generous, loving...need I go on? I truly never though a relationship could be like this. My observations of the adults around me led me to believe that it would be better to be alone than to muck through a relationship. My children are wondrous beings, beautiful, intuitive, creative, interesting, compassionate, loving, I often tell people they are the best project I have ever done, and I am not completely kidding, they really are! My house though small, is comfortable to live in and can be cleaned up rather quickly. There IS a cottage, if I choose to fall to action and spruce it up. I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, and the neighborhood I live in smalls good and is full of bird choruses by day and frog choruses by night, Though sometimes there are owl concerts instead of frogs. I have good food, good fun, a good garden despite the fact I don't really do much to it. So I just want to say, life IS good.

Second, I forgot what I wanted to say second, so I will let this be the finale, I have checked in, no list, some things done, much contentment and satisfaction. Goodnight!

going with Moomintroll again. 

Day Twenty-Six, Fabulous Friday Night

My emotions are bigger than I can contain, I find myself caught up in them and swept away in joy or wonder or sadness or sometimes just being. It's a funny feeling, my emotions fill my chest until I think it will burst, and it's hard to breathe around them. My whole self becomes so much more sensitive to everything around me, the trees are greener, the light filters from the sun more dreamily, everything seems to sparkle with life, and, no matter what the emotion is, when I just can't contain it anymore, it leaks out of my eyes and trickles in narrow rivulets down my cheeks to my chin, dripping away from me.

Today was a gratifying day, many of my tasks were checked off and the overall feeling of the day was accomplishment. The list read thusly:

• Bills
• Blank books
• Unpack
• Bank-deposit
• Make appointment for the mandarin
• Start paint planning
• Schedule well check for  Primo
• Order more lavender

I did everything but make the mandarin appointment and order more lavender. The mandarin will probably have to wait until Monday, lavender can be ordered anytime, being an online thing. The blank books are started, it may take a bit of time to get it sorted but at least it is out there!

Painting...I did go to get the supplies, but I checked in with my mom and she said she would come help me paint, and since she has lots of experience and enjoys it, I happily accepted her offer and it will happen the week after next.

Primo was home today, and it is always a treat to get to spend one-on-one time with my children. He makes the most wonderful observations about the world and today he was tickled to be allowed to have a painter's mask from the hardware store. He has worn it all day and would probably try to sleep in it if he thought he could. He finds delight in the simplest things, sometimes his charms are lost in the bustle of everyday life. I am so glad of a day here and there that I am reminded of the wonder of him.

Two notable things happened today. The first and most unexpected but wondrous thing came from TR. I was lamenting about how this time off of work seems to be running out and I feel like I have lost my momentum, that I was getting things done but after returning from visiting LS, I am tired and aimless and feel like I have been scattered in the wind. He sat with me for the better part of an hour, not only consoling me, but helping me reflect on what my ultimate goals are. He suggested things that not only were insightful on their own standing, but showed that he knows me far better than I thought he did. I mean, knows what my most secret, unmentioned dreams are and said them to me in a completely supportive, nonjudgemental way that left me feeling loved and understood in a way I never expected to be, in my whole life. As I sat there listening to him, I realized that I am not alone, that all this time I have been searching for meaning in life, all this time I have felt lost and bewildered by life, he has been right there with me, listening, and paying attention to who I am. And so I see today that I am not lost, I am right here, hand in hand with my true love, who stands by me in the stormiest of times and celebrates with me in the most joyful of times. I am not alone, I am loved.

Next up was the email from my umbrella employer stating that my request for leave was denied, that my separation was processed and if I want the job back, I have to apply for it again. Coincidentally one of the topics this morning was the job, how I felt about returning and how he felt about my returning. My stand has become that the longer I am away from it, the less compelled I feel to return. His opinion is that he does not want me to go back to a job that exploits me while allowing a co-worker to cause me unhappiness. It did seem like uncanny timing. Since I found out, I have been ruminating over the lack of communication by my ex-boss after the notification was sent out. Part of me is a bit hurt, after all the exclamations of how much I am needed and how important I am there, I would have at least thought he would have checked in to reassure me that I will be brought back in. But at the same time, I am relieved, at this point I am not sure I will pursue going back, and since I am officially let go, I am not obligated to. I don't even need to check in, I am as free of them as I will ever be at this moment. I was tempted to email a snarky message, citing the delinquency of the secretary submitting the paperwork, but I decided against it. If I am done, I will be done. I do't need to say anything to him at all and if he is surprised that I don't come back, that's on him. Phew, I feel relieved!

And so, I can continue my ongoing achievements without worrying about running out of time. My time belongs to me again. Yay!

Now for a goodnight photo and a little reading and some sleep. Mmmm, sleep sounds so good tonight.

this 

is

a

series, the flight of the bumblebee

P.S. Ordering the lavender now...

Day Twenty-Five, Stayin' Alive on Thursday Night

Too bad it isn't Saturday Night! The title would have worked do much better with Saturday Night in there somewhere. So where to start (maybe with a typing class, but I digress), so many things going on today, it feels like I have experienced a whole week in this one day.

A lovely visit with my mom, a doctor visit with Prima, a trip to the barn, kid pick up, signing up to conduct a tour at the high school, visiting with a friend, school meeting, lovely dinner with my family. A full and satisfying day to say the least.

I did make a micro list today, on it were four things, it is down on the counter and I am up in bed so once again, list ála memory.

• Call Dr. J re:appointment for Prima
• Contact MP regarding offer to lead a tour
• Go to the bank
• Organize blank books

Two out of four is 50%, which is good on one hand but not so much as a grade in a class. So I'll look at it in the most positive light I can and also say that number one, calling the doctor was to confirm an appointment I thought was for tomorrow, that turned out to be for today. I am giving myself a couple of extra points for keeping that together. The doctor's office had called, but since I wasn't home, and the message wasn't clear enough to hear, so it was deleted, I had NO idea it was for today. Also, I think I have mentioned organizing blank books or journals or something of that sort before and it may seem like an odd goal, but I have SO many of them, I need to weed some out!

I really do have a strange compulsion for journal type books. I do like to write, and whenever I see one that looks good I but it. I buy them for the kids,  Prima, because she is a writer in school, I know she needs new ones regularly and Primo because he loves making field guides and instruction book and collections of super-hero-ish characters he invents. Our house is so full of them and whenever I resolve to clean them out, I promise to be firm, yet as soon as i hold one that I have written three entries in, I decide it's still good, cut the used up pages out ( putting them away to transcribe into one master journal later) and put it in the bookcase as a good, new, blank book. I actually wrote a journal entry all about my passion for blank books. My obsession doesn't show any signs of stopping. I bought a beautiful book at Liberty in London last summer. I decided I would write a complete book in it, but it is so beautiful, I can't bear to put a mark in it. My Auntie made me a wonderful little journal, with my name and the year stamped on it. When I told her how hard it is for me to feel anything is good enough to write in a special book like that, she told me it would sadden her to think of that book left empty. So I really do write in it. I carry it with me and pull it out of my purse, jotting down thoughts as they flicker through my mind. Okay, moving on.

Tomorrow I am planning on getting back into the swing of things with a real list and setting aside some time to go back and read through this blog so I can take stock of what I have done so far and refocus on what I would like to accomplish with the time I have left. As I count it, I have four weeks left. And while I have gotten more done than I would have without the blog, I haven't done a big project yet, and time is slipping by me. I think since I am going back to work, I really will look for a house cleaner. If I can keep the house tidy and organized, I am ready to use some of my paycheck to pay a house cleaner.

I want to plan a yard sale. I want to paint the kitchen. I want to start writing a book. I want to clean out the cottage. I want to get the yard together. I want to finish the basement. I want to clean out my room. I want to go to sleep! So first things first, Goodnight!

One of my favorite flowers, Californian 

and Alaskan.

Day Twenty-Four, Home Sweet Wednesday Home

While I adore my sister and her family, and was greatly enjoying visiting with her father-in-law as well, I must admit that there is nothing like the sight of my own family to make my heart soar. I guess Prima really missed me too because she came to the airport to pick me up and actually hugged me for a long time. Primo opted to stay home, no big surprises there, he never wants to go out, but I did kiss him when I got home, despite his grown up coolness.

After meeting a friend of LS's who has written a self-help book (that LS gave me), I realized that all you need to write a book is an idea and to write it. So I think I will start writing in earnest. Maybe I can take a workshop to try to figure out the mechanics of keeping it going past the first idea. But if LS's friend can write a book on self help, me too, well not on self help. But I thought I could write the fictional story I've had in my head for so long, or one about living from a standpoint of love and compassion. I think I can do this.

It is so late, I'm afraid that this is yet another short entry. But it does serve the purpose of documenting that I am keeping to my word everyday. Though I had almost forgotten, and did entertain the thought of doing it in the morning instead of getting out of bed, getting my computer, starting it up etc. No I am blogging everyday even if it's just to say I've done it.

Photo time and good night. Tonight I am going to post the other photo I suggested last night when TD  told me that one should always go with Moomintroll, so here's what lost out. A silly favorite of mine. Good-night.

Outside the Art School